On my blog entry entitled Riding Out Suicidal Urges, a reader named Matt shared his struggles with being married to a woman with dissociative identity disorder (DID) who has a suicidal alter part. His comment is a long one, so I am not going to reprint it here. However, I do want to address the questions that he posted in his comment.
Let’s begin with this statement:
[My wife] was abused by a teacher in high school, but was probably abused way before then as well.
Yes, if your wife has DID, then she definitely experienced other abuses. In order to develop DID, a child must experience severe and ongoing abuse before reaching the age of around six years old. If the only memory that she has of her abuse history is this incident with the teacher, then her alter parts likely hold the memories of all of the early childhood trauma.
It is possible that this suicidal alter part is causing so many issues because your wife is ready to start facing her history. Many people with DID suffered from organized pedophilia, otherwise known as ritual abuse or “cult” abuse. These are a group of people who know how to manipulate an alter part to self-destruct if the person ever tells about what happened.
Your wife created the suicidal alter part to protect her from severe abuse. Her abusers manipulated (“programmed”) the alter part into believing that suicide was a better option than breaking the silence. In my case, the threat was killing my younger sister. So, I would rather kill myself than see my sister killed because I told.
Your wife can dismantle the programming and integrate the suicidal alter part, but she must be the one to choose to do it. You can lock up everything in the house, but you cannot watch her 24/7. She could submerge her face in the toilet and try to drown herself while you think that she is using the bathroom. Rather than live like this, I strongly suggest getting your wife therapy with a qualified therapist who has experience in counseling people with DID or at least several child abuse.
I also suggest that you purchase the book Safe Passage to Healing and read it. Also, encourage your wife to read it. The book explains all about DID, alter parts, and ritual abuse. For your wife to have such a severely suicidal alter part, I strongly suspect programming. This book explains how to dismantle the programming.
You mention that you are a faith-filled person and that your faith has been stretched to the limit. I will address this part of your comment in my next blog entry.
Related Topics:
- Where is God During Child Abuse?
- Where Was God When I Was Being Abused?
- Wrestling with a Christian View of God after Abuse
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Excellent response. Also making me think what my current status is doing to my SO. I hate to say he’s gotten used to hearing suicidal statements but he knows the source. I have that going on right now. I have never attempted before. It’s all been an overpowering urge. Always fearful of just one time…
I wish I had some comforting words for Matt and Grace, but I dont. Mabye the upside as you suggest Fatih is that Matt’s wife, Grace and I are about ready to deal with the past, which means we are closer to healing.
I think about suicide a lot. I talk to my therapist primarly through writing. I read my writing to her once. It was horrible to hear my voice and to say it outloud, I felt so out of control. When I go to see her I usually just scrunch up and suck my thumb while she talks to me. I could stay there forever, sometimes I fall asleep. And when I am not with her, I often pretend I am just so I can feel safe. I wrote this for my t about a year ago. Its kinda sick but…
Running, shaking,
My mind is waking.
Looking for a place to die,
I don’t feel safe from me,
Don’t cry.
My head rests calmly on her.
My heart still racing,
Aching for relief,
For a moment of peace…
…I go away.
I suck on her breast,
I am a child.
My insides implode.
I feel the rush, a paralyzing high,
Of the soothing and calm
That envelops me.
It’s compelling and novel,
More powerful than the heartache and memory.
I hold onto this moment,
And rest in its power.
I know it won’t last
Beyond the hour.
When I come to,
There’s a calmness that lingers,
And cradles what’s left behind.
I feel sedated,
But present of mind…
Only the best wishes for you Faith, Matt and his wife, and Grace (and Simon if you are there).
~Palucci.
I don’t think your poem is “sick” at all. What I see is someone who is finally learning what safety feels like.
Take care,
– Faith
I liked your poem palucci, it is very powerful.
Simon
Thanks Faith. Thanks Simon. Feeling better today. I hope today brings you moments of peace, comfort and laughter.
What do you do with that suicidal alter? How do you take care of her/him? What do you do to prevent it from taking over? Do you know when it’s about to take over. Sorry for the peppering of questions. Just curious about what other people do.
As for my spouse, I am afraid to tell him when that part is lingering because I’m afraid of him getting to the point of not being able to handle it and I know that eventually that part will subside. I do fear that one day I/it will snap and I won’t have the foresight to see it coming, but I don’t live in that fear. That fear comes up when the suicidal part emerges.
Palucci- nice poem and nice response Faith. I hope I can feel what it is like to know with all parts of me that I am safe. My therapist says that I am safe right now, but others don’t believe her and think that she is setting us up…so that we let our guard down and then he will come. It’s so weird to be writing this, knowing that I can have so many different perspectives and believe them completely when I am in them.
Thank you for the blog, the responses, and the opportunity to share.
JP
Just want to recommend some relaxing music for survivors.
Theres a british group called ‘Bent’. There album called ‘Ariels’ is amazing. Mega-chillout. Might seem a bit off track but has helped me when ive needed to relax.
JP – When one of my alters has taken control in the past ive found no 1 way of riding the storm that works. Id describe it as getting on a new rollercoaster each time, and im blind-folded.
My dad takes all the rage. Last night for example ‘it’ came out. I was raging at my dad for 20 mins none stop. When i stopped he said ” Have you realised how you have just been”. I said ” not really” – Im aware but not aware if that makes sense. I could tell id been ‘talking very loud’ because my thorat was sore and i was nackered.
10 mins later i fell asleep, the raging had totally tired me out. It comes out of the blue, and sometimes im more aware than others. My throats killing today.
Basically me and my dad have tried developing full-proof coping mechanisms for 18 months now, for when other parts take over and we have found there is no such thing.
We both some it up by saying to each other – We will either get through this or we wont, simple as that.
Its pretty crazy to be honest.
Simon
[…] On my blog entry entitled Riding Out Suicidal Urges, a reader named Matt shared his struggles with being married to a woman with dissociative identity disorder (DID) who has a suicidal alter part. His comment is a long one, so I am not going to reprint it here. I addressed most of his comment in my last blog entry, Helping Spouse with a Suicidal Alter Part. […]