In my blog entry yesterday, I shared that I would be focusing this week on my experience with dealing with a new flashback. I am writing today’s blog entry on Thursday, 10/23/08.
I have had a pit in my stomach today. Out of nowhere, I started thinking about something that always perplexed me during my freshman year of college. Here is what I remember …
I befriended a guy (S) who was also a freshman. He was in the ROTC and part of a specialized unit. He was a nice guy. I thought he was cute, but there were no sparks between us or anything.
S introduced me to some of his guy friends who were also in this specialized unit. They were going to have some sort of formal dance. S invited B to go with him as his date. B was another freshman who lived on my hall in the dorm.
S introduced me to J, who was also in ROTC. J invited me to go to the dance with him. He also invited me to go to a party with him. S and B were going to be there as well.
I know that I went to the party, but I have no memory of anything that transpired at that party. After the party, I no longer wanted to go to the dance, and I did not go. I do not recall having a conversation in which I said I wasn’t going – I just knew that I wasn’t going to go.
After the party, B hated me. I don’t mean dislike – I mean total loathing, to the point of being quite rude if we came into contact with each other. I had a group of friends who asked why B hated me so much. I honestly do not know the answer.
My friends talked me into extending the olive branch. She did not want to talk to me but let me in her dorm room. I told her that I wanted to apologize for whatever I had done that might have hurt her. I also said that I honestly did not know what I had done to offend her.
B said that I knew d@#$ well what I had done and that she had no interest in any apologies from me. I believe that she said more, but that memory is fuzzy as well. I returned to my own dorm room absolutely baffled. I just tried to avoid her after that.
Soon after all of this happened, I started dating a very nice guy that I was not remotely attracted to. He was innocent and sweet but hardly my type. I am now recognizing a pattern in myself – I did the same thing after the date rape.
Tonight, I am going to give myself permission to remember what happened that night. I am fairly certain that it is sexual in nature – perhaps a gang rape situation. I am going to allow myself to stop the memory part way if I need time to process the first part. I suspect I will be able to process it all in one sitting. I hope so.
I keep reminding myself that, no matter what happened, I am still the same person today. I was also only 17 years old and fresh out of an abusive household, so I likely would have been easily triggered. Most of all, I just want to be kind and gentle with myself.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 