In my blog entry yesterday, I shared that I would be focusing this week on my experience with dealing with a new flashback. I am writing today’s blog entry on Thursday, 10/23/08.
I have had a pit in my stomach today. Out of nowhere, I started thinking about something that always perplexed me during my freshman year of college. Here is what I remember …
I befriended a guy (S) who was also a freshman. He was in the ROTC and part of a specialized unit. He was a nice guy. I thought he was cute, but there were no sparks between us or anything.
S introduced me to some of his guy friends who were also in this specialized unit. They were going to have some sort of formal dance. S invited B to go with him as his date. B was another freshman who lived on my hall in the dorm.
S introduced me to J, who was also in ROTC. J invited me to go to the dance with him. He also invited me to go to a party with him. S and B were going to be there as well.
I know that I went to the party, but I have no memory of anything that transpired at that party. After the party, I no longer wanted to go to the dance, and I did not go. I do not recall having a conversation in which I said I wasn’t going – I just knew that I wasn’t going to go.
After the party, B hated me. I don’t mean dislike – I mean total loathing, to the point of being quite rude if we came into contact with each other. I had a group of friends who asked why B hated me so much. I honestly do not know the answer.
My friends talked me into extending the olive branch. She did not want to talk to me but let me in her dorm room. I told her that I wanted to apologize for whatever I had done that might have hurt her. I also said that I honestly did not know what I had done to offend her.
B said that I knew d@#$ well what I had done and that she had no interest in any apologies from me. I believe that she said more, but that memory is fuzzy as well. I returned to my own dorm room absolutely baffled. I just tried to avoid her after that.
Soon after all of this happened, I started dating a very nice guy that I was not remotely attracted to. He was innocent and sweet but hardly my type. I am now recognizing a pattern in myself – I did the same thing after the date rape.
Tonight, I am going to give myself permission to remember what happened that night. I am fairly certain that it is sexual in nature – perhaps a gang rape situation. I am going to allow myself to stop the memory part way if I need time to process the first part. I suspect I will be able to process it all in one sitting. I hope so.
I keep reminding myself that, no matter what happened, I am still the same person today. I was also only 17 years old and fresh out of an abusive household, so I likely would have been easily triggered. Most of all, I just want to be kind and gentle with myself.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith, I am thinking strong positive thoughts for you. God, at 17 you were still a baby, just a child. I am not following you to isurvive today. I am afraid. And afraid for you. Tomorrow I see my t. The plan is to show her some writing I did… Hopefully we dont read it out loud.
Only the best wishes for you Faith,
Palucci
Hi Faith,
I read this post after I read today’s post. I just completed my own blog entry on the puzzle of memory. You say something I believe is so important, yet I know it is difficult to do. You prepare yourself to invite the memory and allow it to happen. That makes the processing easier and your system knows you will make time at night. Amidst the trauma of the memory, you are opening yourself to any insiders with information. They feel welcome and their giving you the memory is their healing or beginning of healing. It is a beautiful step one can take in memory processing. I love that you spray your pillow and take such self care. I know you are likely still reeling. I know you will be gentle with yourself. Know my heart is with you.