This week, I am writing about my experiences in dealing with recovering a flashback as it happens. The series starts here.
It has now been a few days since I had the flashback. I am doing okay. I am actually doing well for the most part, although the pain is still a bit raw.
I shared the story with two friends separately. Both said the right things. One focused on the fact that nothing that happened in the past can change the person that I am today. The other pointed out that S probably thought I was drugged. He knew me before and after and saw how innocent I was. He probably figured I blocked that night out and thought it was best that I did.
What I am struggling with the most right now is coming to terms with the fact that the dissociative identity disorder (DID) really did affect me in adulthood. Up until recently, I believed it was just an issue in childhood. In fact, my therapist never gave me an official diagnosis of DID because I did not report losing time in adulthood. However, I clearly did.
A part of myself is mortified that I have memory gaps that other people could fill but I could not. How many times did I interact with my abusers after the fact and never even know it?
I am also angry that my abusers from childhood left me so vulnerable in adulthood. I was programmed to be a walking doormat for anyone who wanted to use and abuse my body. I fear just how many times I was exploited in adulthood because of my DID.
I am also in awe over how much I have changed. Going back to those times and seeing just how passive I was and then contrasting that person with who I am now is mindboggling. It is hard to believe that I am even the same person.
Overall, I accept that the flashbacks have been a good thing. I am reclaiming parts of myself that I have been pushing away for decades.
A friend worried that something that I had written recently triggered the flashbacks, but I don’t think so. I think I was ready to heal at a deeper level. Until I reclaim all of myself, I will continue to remain fragmented. While I am much more whole than I have ever been, I am still not fully whole. The price of finding wholeness is continuing to discover and heal these wounds.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I’m glad that you’re able to recover memories and heal from them. Every flashback always comes with pain, but once you know what happened, you can finally begin to get better.
I’ve often said that blocked memories of abuse are like infected wounds that have healed over and remain invisible but festering. You can’t see them, but they cause exhaustion, aches and pains, and drag you down, mentally and physically. The only way to get better is to cut the wound open, expose the infection, and drain it away. Then it can finally begin to heal properly. It may leave a scar, but you won’t be dealing with a hidden injury any longer–you’ll feel healthier and can finally start to heal.
I hope that proves true for you.
Yes — I think that is a great analogy.
– Faith
Im beginning to think healing is a majorly risky process, and one i dont think id easily recommend.
Ive gone through so much cr*p so far, just like im sure most have that are trying to heal. Thing is im healing on the inside and thats great, but only if there support on the outside to match these changes.
For example i see that all my so-called-mates (or most) are sh*te but i cant cut them out because i need people. If i had a big supportive family then i could, but how do i do it when these are the very people that i rely on?
Im on a real downer this weekend, im realising that although ive travelled a million miles in healing, that i more vunerable now than ive ever been in my life. Wheres all the benefits to all this hard graft? 2 years of hard graft for what?
I think its important that anyone thinking of going on this journey thinks carefully before doing so.
Hope your ok Faith, Simon.
I am doing fine, Simon.
Yes, the healing process is hard work, but I recommend it. This is the only way to reclaim your life. As you change, all of your relationships will change. You will need to let some of them go. However, the new relationships you make are much more fulfilling. It was worth the loss of some of my dysfunctional friendships to make room for the fulfilling friendships that I have now.
Take care,
– Faith
Midge, I agree with Faith. You gave a wonderful analogy. Simon, you are in the early part of the healing journey which is so raw and painful. I hope one day you’ll see that it has been worthwhile. You were hurt for so long. You need time to get through the muck. I used to tell my clients that the only way through the sh*t is through the sh*t. No way around it or over it. But I would put my waders on and go through it with them. You only need one support person to validate your experience. Usually that is the therapist. But the people who post to Faith’s blog and other supportive online places can have that validation here as well. You don’t need the world to believe. Just one.
We are the witnesses of your pain and healing, Simon. Faith, you did this topic a great justice. We have such similar mindsets about approaching the pain of healing. Open the arms and let it in.
Safe hugs,
Grace
Hi Faith – your right, just seems endless. I want to reclaim my life, but i dont want to spend my life doing it. Ill do anything to get there, and put myself through as much pain as it takes. Im not after a quick fix but some indiciation that its all been worth it.
Hi Grace – Sometimes i feel like i need everyones validation. Im very aware of this and try not to ask for it. But at the moment it seems like the only way i have of feelintg alive – if that makes sense.
Faith, I can’t thank you enough for your blog. I’m in the midst of recovering memories and trying to deal with everything that happened to me as a child. I’m trying to hang in there but it’s unbearably painful. I want it to stop. I thought I had these things neatly locked away, but they’ve been festering, lurking, waiting for me all these years. Your blog is giving me hope that there’s light at the end of this very dark tunnel. Thank you.
Kerro,
I am so glad that my blog is helping you. That is why I write it. :0)
Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is also lots of positive energy. You will be amazed at how much effort it has taken you to lock those memories away. When you finally stop actively repressing them, you free up an enormous amount of energy that you can use to live your life in any way you want.
Flashbacks feel horrible, but they are really a good thing. It was the abuse itself that was bad. Flashbacks are a normal part of healing from trauma.
Take care,
– Faith
I thought the flashbacks opened a portal that started my understanding of my true story, but that was years ago like 7 years ago. Now, i am awareof what happened mostly, and with whom, and i am attaching feelings to those moments which is agony and so frightening. If I have the feelings that look like the people who hurt me then i am like them? sounds ridiculous but that is a quandry that is hovering in my thoughts. I thought flashbacks were over, but as i talk of more of this, i find the dreams are back and i have the dreaded feeling of flashbacks coming on. Some scenes I had not completed are now trying to fill in. Is this normal? I know not much of this process is linear, but being completely vulnerable in those flashbacks feels like stepping backwards.
Hi, Aggiemonday.
I am in a similar place. I think it is actually a step forward. For me, many of the flashbacks seemed to be happening “to her.” I would observe the abuse in a detached manner from “the ceiling.” The flashbacks I have been having lately are happening “to me.” I think the early years of flashbacks were about awakening to my story and history. Now, the flashbacks are about really accepting that these horrible things happened **to me** — to the this body that I inhabit.
Yes, it’s awful. It is painful and scary. However, it is also amazingly healing. As I accept my truths — really accept them at a heart level as happening **to me** — I am able to let go and move through it.
– Faith
Faith, you added a detail that is true to me as well but i really didn’t realize it. i do fluctuate between watching and being which is different. these contain feelings where before i watched and only felt the fear. i will think more about this, but feel better that someone else is experriencing similarities. thank you so much so so much