One serious issue that adult survivors of child abuse often deal with is the ache of unmet needs. I am going to be focusing on the topic of unmet needs over my next several blog entries.
I have seen the ache of unmet needs manifest in many ways. Most child abuse survivors have serious issues with trust and shame. I know a child abuse survivor who felt such a strong need to be rocked (a need that was not met in childhood) that she bought herself a hammock to give her this experience. I know child abuse survivors who have felt the need to sleep with stuffed animals in their forties because it met a need that was never met in childhood.
The sad reality for child abuse survivors, and particularly those who experienced ongoing and severe child abuse throughout their childhoods, is that unmet needs do not just “go away.” Anyone who has adopted a child out of foster care can tell you this. Even though the parents are doing a wonderful job in parenting the abused child from age five and meeting the five-year-old child’s needs, the child still has five years of unmet needs that the foster or adoptive parent must try to meet.
The best resource that I have found to explain unmet needs the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) by Doris Bryant and Judy Kessler. Although the book is about a woman who integrated from dissociative identity disorder (DID), it has a lot to offer to anyone who experienced severe and ongoing child abuse or who is parenting a severely abused child.
DID is just the way that a person might react to severe and ongoing child abuse. It is a symptom, not a cause. The abuse is the cause of the unmet needs, so all child abuse survivors are going to experience at least some unmet needs. Until those unmet needs are met, they will manifest as empty places inside of the abused child’s soul. The fact that the abused child now resides in an adult body does not change that fact that the voids are still there.
Over my next few blog entries, I am going to discuss the unmet needs that result from abuse during each stage of development in a child. I will be using the information provided in Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) as a template because I could not possibly do a better job at identifying unmet needs in each stage of development than this book does. However, I will bring my own perspective into the discussion about things you can do to begin healing your emotional wounds from unmet needs.
Developmental Stages:
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Great thread. Im finding this myself. Just because im inegrating doesnt mean im healed. Just means im putting the mind and body back together so i CAN heal. It might be the hardest part of the process but is still just that, – 1 part.
I just discovered this past week that when my adopted daughter was small, while under her neglectful teen birthmom’s care, she was sexually assaulted. She is just starting to remember, with the help of a great therapist. It’s been really helpful for me to read your blog. I want to understand as much as possible so I can help her.
God bless you for writing so honestly!
Hi Dee!
I am so glad that this blog is helping you. I also write a blog about adoption at http://www.ouradopt.com. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I write to adoptive parents about trauma issues. Those articles will be helpful as well.
Take care,
– Faith
Thank you.
Thank you Faith for writing so often in this blog and for providing and the helpful resource information.
Funny, I told my therapist just recently that what I want and need is what a child would want and need. I am an adult and I cannot have that. After my husband and daughter are in bed I will sit by myself on the floor and rock until the early morning. I did this as a child, for hours every day and no one ever stopped me. I dont remember ever sucking my thumb, but I use that a lot now to help me through the daytime hiding episodes, and to make going to bed more tolerable. Its like I am starving, but not for food.
I want to be safe.
I want to be held all the time.
I want to suck my thumb.
I dont want to feel dirty and gross.
I want to smell good.
and I want to be taken care of.
Only the best wishes for you Faith, Simon, & Dee Immi.
~Palucci
There is another book, written by the same two authors, that shows how the emotional and social development of a child abused to the point of DID is different from a normal, healthy child. That isn’t all the book is about, but it has a chapter for each developmental stage, and discusses what happens when certain needs aren’t met at vital stages in a child’s development. It’s really more of an educational book for therapists than a self-help book, but I found it quite interesting because none of the other DID books I’ve read talked about child development.
“The Family Inside: Working With the Multiple” by Doris Bryant, Judy Kessler, and Lynda Shirar
Cool!! I have never heard of that book, but I am sure it is good based upon this other book.
Here is the direct link if anyone wants to purchase it:
The Family Inside: Working With the Multiple
[…] meeting needs after child abuse I am working through a series on unmet needs. The series begins here. I am using the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) […]
[…] meeting needs after child abuse I am working through a series on unmet needs. The series begins here. I am using the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) […]
[…] meeting needs after child abuse I am working through a series on unmet needs. The series begins here. I am using the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) […]
[…] meeting needs after child abuse I am working through a series on unmet needs. The series begins here. I am using the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) […]
[…] meeting needs after child abuse I am working through a series on unmet needs. The series begins here. I am using the book Beyond Integration: One Multiple’s Journey (Norton Professional Books) […]
[…] that I would never expect of another person. I have to forgive myself for being human … for having needs … for not being perfect . I don’t begrudge my eight-year-old child for needing his mother, but […]