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Archive for December 2nd, 2008

This week, I am focusing on triggers and how to deal with them. I was recently triggered by a nurse in my doctor’s office. Soon after I was triggered, I posted the following message on Isurvive.org, which is a message board for abuse survivors. The post fills you in on all you need to know. Tomorrow, I will get into how I dealt with the triggering after posting this message.

Triggered again re: eating disorder

D@#$!! I am so sick to death of being triggered every other day. I HATE this time of year.

Today, the trigger ties in with eating disorder, which is why I am posting here.

For most of my life, I have struggled with binge eating and compulsive overeating. I have made great progress over the past few years, but I have been slipping some (but not nearly as intensely) over the past several weeks as I keep getting triggered over and over again.

I have always had high cholesterol, no matter how “good” I try to be with my eating. It has been as high as 300+, and doctors want it under 200. I am now on Crestor (the “miracle drug”!!), and that has been working well.

I saw my doctor earlier this week for my six month cholesterol check in. I specifically told the nurse NOT to tell me my weight. If I hear a number, I sets me off badly — right back into self-hate land, which fuels the need to eat and … well, you get the picture.

She did not tell me the number. The doctor made a comment about me being a “normal” weight in relation to a conversation we were having, but that was it.

I know that I am not skinny and never will be. But, I wear a size 8 in relaxed fit jeans, which I figure is pretty good for someone who will be forty in the not-too-distant future. I am generally content with how I am.

So, now the nurse called to give me my results. My cholesterol is good — 187. Yeah!! Why couldn’t she have just stopped there??

Then she says that my triglycerides are too high. No s@#$. That always happens when I wrestle with my eating disorder. The doctor wants me to taking higher fish oil supplements to pull that down. Cool, I can do that.

And then, the d@#$ nurse says that my weight is up 6 lbs from last year. Already, the triggering starts. And then she says that someone of my age and height should weigh under ###. And then I was gone.

d@#$ d@#$ d@#$

Why did she have to leave that part of the message!?!!

So, now I have this number rolling around my head. I know it is just a number, but that doesn’t matter when I get triggered. I know that my weight is higher than “that” weight (or why else would she have said it?), so now my head is going all sorts of places that are likely not even accurate.

I also know that it was my time of the month, so I was bloated with water weight. In my head, I know that nothing has changed, but now I am back in that horrible place of being bombarded with those messages — “I’m fat. I’m worthless. I am this big cow who doesn’t even deserve to live.”

I know how to push through it all, but it p@$$es me off to no end that I HAVE to work through this crap again. My doctor knows about my eating disorder history, which is probably why she handled the weight stuff the way that she did. But that d@#$ nurse.

I hate this. I hate for other people to continue to have the power to push my buttons and send me reeling back to that horrible place. I hate it!! I hate it!! I hate it!!

– Faith

_________________

After the rain, the rainbow.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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