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Archive for December 3rd, 2008

In my last post, My Experience with Being Triggered Recently, I shared a recent experience with being triggered. Just re-reading what I wrote gave me headache, but I am not triggered like I was when it happened, thank goodness.

After I posted the message on Isurvive.org, the self-hate grew significantly stronger. I felt like I was free-falling. I had the strong desire to self-injure, and I battled suicidal urges. Before hearing the message from the nurse, I was completely fine and even having a good day. I went from being completely fine to the absolute opposite of fine in a manner of seconds. That is what triggers do to child abuse survivors.

Historically, after getting triggered, I would binge eat. If that did not work, then I would self-injure. If that did not work, then I would battle very strong urges to die. Because the triggering had to do with weight, binge eating was not an option, so that put me in dangerous territory.

My first step was to post the message to Isurvive. That did not calm me. Next, I tried to call my sister, but I couldn’t reach her. I then called another friend. Thank goodness she answered. I likely would have self-injured if she had not.

My friend told me to get in the car and come to her office. She needed to run errands for her boss, so she took me along with her. Just being in the presence of a positive and loving friend did a lot to lower the intensity of what I was feeling. I was still in a bad place afterward, but at least it was more manageable.

After this, I sank into a deep depression that lasted into the night. I took some heavy-duty sleep aids to make myself sleep, but it was not a restful sleep. I was still in a bad place the next morning. I did a lot of crying, and I did not have the energy to do the things that I needed to do that day.

By the afternoon, I kept thinking that I needed to breathe. I played songs that talked about breathing, and I made myself breathe in and out very deeply. That helped.

My son and I took our dogs for a walk. I tried to focus upon the beauty of the world around me. By the time we got home from the walk, I was feeling better. By that evening, I was doing much better. By the morning, I was my normal self again.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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