In my last post, My Experience with Being Triggered Recently, I shared a recent experience with being triggered. Just re-reading what I wrote gave me headache, but I am not triggered like I was when it happened, thank goodness.
After I posted the message on Isurvive.org, the self-hate grew significantly stronger. I felt like I was free-falling. I had the strong desire to self-injure, and I battled suicidal urges. Before hearing the message from the nurse, I was completely fine and even having a good day. I went from being completely fine to the absolute opposite of fine in a manner of seconds. That is what triggers do to child abuse survivors.
Historically, after getting triggered, I would binge eat. If that did not work, then I would self-injure. If that did not work, then I would battle very strong urges to die. Because the triggering had to do with weight, binge eating was not an option, so that put me in dangerous territory.
My first step was to post the message to Isurvive. That did not calm me. Next, I tried to call my sister, but I couldn’t reach her. I then called another friend. Thank goodness she answered. I likely would have self-injured if she had not.
My friend told me to get in the car and come to her office. She needed to run errands for her boss, so she took me along with her. Just being in the presence of a positive and loving friend did a lot to lower the intensity of what I was feeling. I was still in a bad place afterward, but at least it was more manageable.
After this, I sank into a deep depression that lasted into the night. I took some heavy-duty sleep aids to make myself sleep, but it was not a restful sleep. I was still in a bad place the next morning. I did a lot of crying, and I did not have the energy to do the things that I needed to do that day.
By the afternoon, I kept thinking that I needed to breathe. I played songs that talked about breathing, and I made myself breathe in and out very deeply. That helped.
My son and I took our dogs for a walk. I tried to focus upon the beauty of the world around me. By the time we got home from the walk, I was feeling better. By that evening, I was doing much better. By the morning, I was my normal self again.
Related Topics:
- Getting Triggered after Child Abuse
- Determining the Origin of Triggers
- Traumatized Adopted Child, PTSD, and Triggers
- Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Adopted Child and Triggers
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow…praying for you. I do know this feeling…I’m so sorry. I’m too ignorant to figure out from your post what happened…did someone reply to something with words that set it off? I felt horrible because I was so afraid it was a message I had left you asking about a similar experience I had like one you wrote about, and soon after I sent that you posted the message about trigger labels…I hope it wasn’t my fault! I’m sorry! But thank you for sharing all of this…it really does amazing things for those of us who thought we were the only ones who ever felt this way…you have a beautiful heart!
right now i feel like there is no hope for me… but i know i am not doing well. 😦 if this doesnt get better i dont know if i can make it.
Amy,
The details about what happened are here:
I generally write ahead and publish a week later, so you don’t have to worry emailing me one day and seeing a response on my blog the next day.
Take care,
– Faith
(((((( Zoe ))))))
You can make it through. In light of your childhood traumas that tie into Christmas triggers, you can expect to feel lousy through the holidays. However, you will feel better after the holidays pass. There is an end to the pain.
Hang in there.
– Faith
Zoe – Dont let the abusers win. I dont know you but im sure your a fighter, all survivors are. We have a spirit and mental strength that so-called ‘normal’ people would never have in a million lifetimes.
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