It feels like forever since I wrote on my blog. I started a new job a few weeks ago. I knew that starting the new job, combined with the Christmas season, would take most of my focus, so I wrote ahead on my blogs, both here and on my professional adoption blog. I am glad I did because it has been a wild ride.
I was hit with some tragic news a few weeks ago that sent me reeling. Someone that I cared about passed away, and I did not take the news well. As philosophic as I can be about reincarnation when applied to my own life, it was not much comfort when I first got the news. I am doing much better now as I have had time to process and digest the news. Loss is hard, no matter where it comes from. There are no shortcuts through grief.
Getting this news was like a punch in the gut. I tried to rely on my three-step guide, but it was only so helpful at first. It was like the bad news sucked the wind out of me, and I simply could not breathe. I also was not convinced that I would get over this in 36 hours, so that was of no comfort to me. I had to hope that trying to feed my good wolf would be enough to get me through this cycle of triggering.
As it turned out, it took me about three days to pull out of the nosedive. While I was in that bad place again, there is nothing that would have convinced me that I would be okay again. I cried off and on for three days – hard, wracking sobs. It never once occurred to me to go back and read what I had just recently written about how to handle being triggered.
I even called my therapist and scheduled an appointment. I ended therapy a couple of years ago. I think I need a little “tune up.” The holiday season is always hard for me, but it makes me feel like I am bi-polar to be okay … and then fighting suicidal urges … and then okay again. Yes, I know that I am being triggered and that I am pulling myself back out (and that many of you would do anything to have the ability to pull out of a trigger in three days), but it makes me feel “crazy.” I need to hear a professional reassure me again that what I am experiencing is normal for a child abuse survivor.
If anyone else is feeling this way during the holiday season, you are not alone. Even after all of my years and hard work of healing, I still struggle with this, too.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Forgive me, I’m not sure I understand. Did something about your friend’s death actually trigger you? Or are you making a comparison of how similar the phases of grief are to a trigger cycle?
Either way, I’m very sorry that you lost someone you cared about. Death is always tragic, and it always hurts. The pain does get better eventually, but it can be hard to remember that when you’re in the midst of grieving. Try to remember that you have every right to be hurting right now, there’s no shame in it.
Faith, my heart is with you all the way. Call on me if you need help.
Lisa S.
I am so sorry for your lose Faith and hoping as the days go by you repair and i suppose it does not matter where we are in our healing life can come up from behind and bite, this holiday season sucks and no matter what we do to change it there are so many bad triggers just around the corner
TAKE CARE FAITH
((( Faith ))) I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, and your nosedive.
Take care of yourself.
Something about my friend’s death triggered me. It had to do with my son’s connection to her, which triggered my issues of feeling unable to keep my inner child safe. I tend to confuse the two.
I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago, and now my family suffered another big loss today. My husband’s mother passed away suddenly. My husband is taking it very hard. My son is blessedly mostly oblivious — too young to really get it.
As for me … I have already been struggling anyhow, and now I am toting the weight of a lot of people. I had to tell multiple people the news today because the rest of the family is too distraught to do it. It’s going to be a long week. I had already written ahead on my blog, so that is covered, but I probably won’t be around much to respond to comments this week.
– Faith
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Faith)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sorry for your losses Faith. Stay strong.