Hi, everyone. I am back from my hiatus (I hope!). I stopped blogging abruptly in the middle of a series on dealing with issues surrounding sex after sexual abuse. I do plan to get back to that topic, but first I feel the need to pour out the last couple of weeks. They have been very rough.
Like many of you, the holidays are a very difficult time for me. My baseline is anxiety, nightmares, and feeling out of sorts. Throw in a mother-in-law passing away a week before Christmas, and Christmas turns into one big, fat, ugly mess.
My mother-in-law and I had a strange dynamic, which I guess is true for many mother/daughter-in-law relationships. She said that she embraced me as a daughter, and I sooo wanted to believe that was true in light of my own history with my mother/abuser. I desperately wanted a mother, and I saw my relationship with her as life giving me another chance at having that bond.
Unfortunately, when I married, I was so emotionally unhealthy that I saw my husband’s family as the “perfect” family that I never had. I embraced them as such. But, as with most families, they had their own dysfunction, but I did not see it, much less understand it, so I would step into emotional “landmines” with regularity and assume that it was just me doing something “wrong” again.
It wasn’t until I entered into therapy and began the healing process that I grew to recognize that hub’s family was dysfunctional, too. As my therapist pointed out, my family was so “out there” that my in-laws looked “normal” to me because they were at least “on the map” of normal. However, as I healed, the dysfunction became more glaring.
Without going into details, my mother-in-law needed to feel needed (which I equated to dependent) in order to feel loved. Anyone who reads my blog with regularity knows that I have issues with being reliant upon anyone. This was a train wreck waiting to happen, and it did a few years ago. Since then, I downgraded my relationship with my mother-in-law to being a “polite outlaw,” and we found a rhythm that worked well enough. However, I did grieve mightily the loss of yet another “mother” back when it all happened.
So, when my mother-in-law passed away a couple of weeks ago, I had already done much of my grieving. I had already grieved the loss of the relationship in my life. Now, it was time to focus upon the grief of my husband, son, and hub’s family.
Also, even though my relationship with her was no longer what (I thought) it had once been, she was still a strong presence in my life. I saw her at least weekly for Saturday night dinners with the family. In many ways, I still cannot believe that she is gone.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Hi Faith, glad you got through the last few weeks ok. 🙂
Im beginning to see that most familys are dysfunctional, not abusive but dysfunctional. The prefect family was something i created in my own mind as a way of forgetting my own past – i projected this image onto everyone elses familys.
Im now starting to see that theres no such thingf as a perfect family, just some family are less dysfunctional and more healthy than others!!! Im starting to see the world for how it is, warts and all!
Also im seeing that my remaining family (that have always been there) are actually quite nice people, but ive always irrationally seen them as not-normal and everyone else as normal. In reality only my mum and grandma (her mum) were abusive.
Ive also wanted a mother-figure faith, someone to maybe prove to me that i am loveable, and the world is a nice place. Im not sure if that need in me will ever go, i just hope it doesnt stop me from having a healthy relationship in the future.
Im so sorry that your mother-in-law past away. One thing is at least you have healed enough from your child-abuse to be able to deal more’ normally ‘ with other traumatic things that happen, which is a measure of all the hard work you have done to get where you are. Lifes bad enough without having to carry the past around with us.
Take care, simon.
Faith,
i am so pleased you have been able drag yourself through the past few weeks which has been a total nightmare for you and those you love
it must be very hard for your H and little boy so still sending lots of good wishes and thoughts your way
Hi Faith,
I am glad you made it through christmas. I can feel the heaviness of it all in your writing, but I can also clearly see a woman who is responding in a very healthy way – expressive, self-aware, feeling, intuitive and mindfully present. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I can understand that need you and Simon describe about needing a mother. I feel that need and I dont know how to stop it. I see my t as a mother. I want her to be my mother. My needs are that of a child. Sometimes I am so small with her, because I feel so safe. I suck my thumb and she holds me. The feeling of safety and soothing consumes me entirely. It starts in my upper belly, just below my ribs and radiates outward. It is the most incredible feeling, I cant describe it. I dont know what it is? I tried to describe it once on isurvive and someone responded by saying ‘hold onto those loving feelings’. I fell apart reading that. because if it is just love that I am feeling, then I have never felt that before. I know sometimes I do not allow feelings to come through. i know when I was in my early adulthood, a friend hugged me, it was so tight and he sort of shook me, and I swear it was the first time I felt the arms of another being around me. I had always focused on how I was holding the other person. I don’t know. I cant see myself ever not seeking the mother in my t.
Best wishes to you Faith, Simon and anon
~Palucci
Dysfunctional is normal, it seems.
*sending hugs your way*
I am so sorry for your prolonged loss of your mother-in-law. It must be difficult for you and your family. It is not easy to face the loss of intimacy in a relationship, even if that intimacy was not healthy for you. I hope your husband and son cope well. My best wishes to you all.