Archive for January 2nd, 2009

This week, I have been talking about the aftereffects of my mother-in-law’s death the week before Christmas. This has been a very long and very hard couple of weeks.

Even if this holiday season had gone well, my baseline would have been struggling. I have so many negative associations with Christmas – so many traumas that I endured around the Christmas tree. I cannot make Christmas a happy time. My goal is to make it bearable.

This year, I had to deal with a death in the family and being surrounded by grieving people on top of my own baggage. I have also dealt with people misunderstanding me and my motives, which I just don’t understand.

I have found myself dissociating more and more. I have not lost time, although I have been tempted to go that route again. The thought of waking up and discovering that this phase of my life is over sounds appealing at times, but I don’t want to go down that path again. I have also leaned on wine and Xanax (but not together) a few times to get through the tougher days, but I don’t want to go there, either.

I just want my life back. I want to get back to blogging, working at my new job, and hanging out with my friends. I have spent too many years of my life surviving — I want to live! I want to embrace life and enjoy all that it has to offer, but that always seems to be just beyond my reach.

What’s worse is that I am afraid to embrace it when I have the chance because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Twice this holiday season, I gave myself permission to enjoy being alive. Both times came to an abrupt end with the news of the death of a loved one.

I want my life to stop being so hard all the time. I am not asking for singing birds and Prince Charming to come riding up (which would definitely complicate my life as a married woman!!). I just want to be able to stay present in my body and want to do it. I keep hoping that day will come, but then I wonder if I am just deluding myself. Maybe I am not intended to be at peace. And yet I hope…

Photo credit: Faith Allen

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