Archive for January 5th, 2009

As I have shared before, I no longer have a relationship with my mother-abuser. After years of mother-daughter sexual abuse, I cannot handle having her in my life. I do allow her to send me a monthly letter. Sometimes I respond, and sometimes I don’t.

My mother was never a mother to me – not in the way that I needed. Yes, she birthed me, fed me, and clothed me, but there are many more things that a child needs from her mother. I never had those needs met, and they have left a gaping hole inside of my soul.

I had hoped to fill that hole with my relationship with my mother-in-law, but that did not work out, either. For very different reasons, she was not the woman to fill that hole. However, she did meet a few of those needs, such as taking care of me after surgery or answering my basic questions about how to make mashed potatoes or whatever. Now that she has passed away, even that little bit is gone.

I periodically go through phases of really yearning for a mother. It tends to happen during the holidays, and this year has been no exception. I dream about having a mother figure to lean upon, but I awaken to being alone as I always have been.

I do not yearn for my mother/abuser. I know that she has nothing to give. I do not yearn for my deceased mother-in-law because I know that she had her own limitations. I don’t yearn for a particular person – I yearn for what should have been but wasn’t.

In many ways, I feel like an orphan. My father is dead, and my mother is as good as dead to me. I am a strong person and know how to take care of myself, but I envy those who have a safe place to fall with their loving parents. Yes, I know that most relationships come with some sort of baggage and dysfunction, but it still would be nice to have a mother figure who loved me. I would be nice to know that someone out there thought I was special and loved me just for being me.

I try to fill these needs through friendships as well as through quality books and movies. I also try to nurture myself and be my own mother. However, sometimes the ache eats away at me, and I really just want a mom.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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