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Archive for January 15th, 2009

When I was in the early stages of healing from child abuse, I often wished that I could go back to my life as it was before I started healing. I wished I could wave a magic wand and “forget” about all of the information that I had recovered through flashbacks. Hub sometimes asked if I could do that as well because he liked it better when I was “happy” all the time instead of dealing with deep issues for years on end.

I no longer wish that I could just stuff it all back inside. Yes, the healing process has been grueling, and, yes, I have images in my head that are not pleasant. However, those are my experiences, and they are all part of what shaped me into the person that I am today. To “forget” my experiences is to lose who I am, and I don’t ever want to lose “me” again.

One of the bizarre realities of healing is that I sometimes feel worse (for a time) as I am healing. One day I might reach a plateau in healing and feel really good and “zen.” The next day, I might become triggered and work through more unresolved pain. It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I am actually in a healthier place in the midst of all of that pain than I was when I felt more at peace.

Every day, I am becoming much more whole, and I am discovering the beauty of my true self. I no longer feel the need to pretend to be someone else. Being me is much more interesting than any shell of a personality that I used to hide behind.

So, if I had a fairy godmother or a genie give me the option of going back to not remembering about my child abuse history, I would politely decline the offer. For better or for worse, this is who I am. I would much rather be myself, warts and all, than go back to being a shell of a person, always running from my truths.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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