This week, I am writing a series on polyfragmented Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I am hoping that this series will educate people about polyfragmented DID as well offer hope to those with this diagnosis that healing is possible.
Polyfragmented DID can manifest in many different ways. What all polyfragmented DID multiple systems have in common is that they have many alter parts that work together to give the appearance of the person functioning as a singleton.
Roles of Alter Parts
Each alter part has a role. Some hold the fragmented pieces of the inner child, which feels like having many inner children. (An inner child is really a repository for unmet needs.) Others hold memories of various abuses, emotions, and/or feelings. Some are protector parts that come out to protect the inner children whenever the person feels threatened or gets triggered.
Clusters
Some Polyfragmented DID multiple systems “cluster” their alter parts. For example, you might have an inner child who is protected by several protector parts. So, before the person can access and heal the unmet needs in an inner child part, he must first heal the pain of the protector parts that are “guarding” the inner child.
Layers
Some polyfragmented DID multiple systems have “layers” of alter parts, and the alter parts in each layer might be unaware that another layer exists. This is how my multiple system worked. One layer held all of the memories, feelings, and emotions associated with the mother-daughter sexual abuse. Those parts had names like Irate and Melancholy. None of those alter parts were aware of the other layers of alter parts. So, when I integrated those parts, I believed that I was integrated until the next layer of alter parts revealed itself.
I had several layers of alter parts. In addition to the one already discussed, I had a layer for the abuse by family “friends.” Another layer held the memories of the sadistic abuse by the couple who prepared my sister and me for the ritual abuse. Another layer held the ritual abuse memories. Still another layer held the memories of being raped by men.
Healing in layers was a blessing because I only needed to deal with one set of traumas at a time. If I had remembered everything at one time, I would have been overwhelmed and possibly committed suicide. Thankfully, the layers enabled me to focus upon and heal a little at a time, which made my healing process much more manageable.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Actually, the part about layers reminded me of something. Have you ever heard of an alternate personality being multiple? As in, an alter having alters of his/her own?
I know it sounds crazy, but during one therapy session, I discovered that one of my alters was multiple. We found out when my therapist was trying to ask his age, and he (the alter) listed off a whole series of numbers. Further prodding got him to admit that he has many alters. My therapist speculated that he was one of the first alters created, and that he experienced such horrifying things that he actually split into parts.
If his alters count, then I’m definitely poly-fragmented.
Yes, that counts. :0)
What that sounds like is personality clusters, where they are all grouped together to protect that part of yourself.
No matter how you split, they are all still part of you. All of the parts together make up one spirit. So, no matter how that spirit split, you are all still one.
Take care,
– Faith
god, I am sorry this is so long. I started crying and then I just started writing. *****triggers******
I do not know why I am crying again. Except maybe some of the things you are saying are making sense to me. There is this little piece of me that has become so consuming and relentless in making me feel her pain. It was triggered, I think, by a flahsback on the 26th of december, which connected to another flashback I had a few months earlier and a memory (a memory piece I have always had, but never questioned it. The memory is of my mom sitting on her bed behind me. Its a weird memory because nothing else ever came with it, it just like hung there and appeared every so often and it made me feel sort of sick. One of the flashbacks, the one a few months ago is of my dad trying to describe sex to me. He uses a train in a tunnel and a snake in the grass… I didn’t immediately accept the connection between the memory and this flashback, but the flashback I had on the 26th somehow makes them connect. I am not sure why. I am being raped in a shower again). I went between feelings of being afraid, angry, powerless, and checked-out after the most recent flashback . I was still going through it and my t went on vacation and that’s when she came out. But I dont know why she came out because she feels like a baby and I am probably around preschool age or first grade in the flashbacks. I feel her, she just cries and screams. she’s so desparate. I wrote about her on isurvive – this is what I wrote.
I cannot distract.
Her need consumes me.
The pounding in her chest
makes my hands throb.
She is starving.
Her bones ache to be soothed
beneath the casing of skin,
She is screaming.
She cries until her eyes fall closed,
exhausted from the futile struggle.
She sleeps,
between the uneven breaths
as her chest jolts with sudden bursts of air.
And the baby goes cold
as she lies listless in the pool of sweat and tears.
Hi Palucci, i often have different fragments of memory that build up a pretty horrible picture aswell. I know how horrible it is.
Stay strong, Simon
Sorry if this question is a bit off topic – it’s something I already asked about on isurvive, but I’m still not sure of the answer. Here it is : is it possible to have an alter while being aware of it? My T says that alters are not aware (consciously) of each other. Is that right?
Faith, I imagine it’s much like breaking a mirror. All the shards of broken glass on the floor. So many pieces, but all part of the same mirror. Then you take one of the shards and step on it, breaking it into even more pieces, but they’re still from the same mirror.
Ahlize, I’m not sure what your T meant. It certainly is possible for alters to be aware of each other, and for you to be aware of them. Sometimes there are amnesia blocks between them, so that each one thinks they are the only inhabitant of the body, but that doesn’t always happen. Often they know all about each other. One of my first clues about DID was that I was hearing voices in my head, not just talking to me, but talking to each other, back and forth, whole conversations. So yes, they can be aware of each other, and you can be aware of them.
Simon, thank you – I will be strong.
Midge, the other day I was running early in the morning. I ‘woke up’ sort of to a conversation going on in my head between 2 people arguing, they also talk about a third, the baby (she’s the one I am having a hard time with above). I have become aware that sometimes it is so loud in my head, conversations in my head between other people, and recently that baby. But I don’t hear voices outside my head. But am I describing DID? I cant have DID, my t has never mentioned it and I dont lose time. I had a blackout once that lasted 2 weeks, but that was a long time ago. I am having a hard time understanding or accepting so I am just going off processing/writing. Sorry.
Faith, Midge, Alhize, Simon sorry I am being so needy and self absorbed. I am not at all being supportive. I really hope you all are finding comfort support peace and strength today.
~Palucci
Midge, thanks for your reply. I think the amnesia block you mention is what defines DID, isn’t it? I’m confused. I have all sorts of people living inside me, some are me, but some are made up in my imagination. I am aware of all these people and never have lost time, but I can’t control the angry me that surfaces regularly. Until recently I thought that everybody else was like that, but now I’m starting to wonder if it’s the result of CSA.
Palucci, no need to apologize, I am also trying to understand stuff, so that makes the two of us.
((((( Palucci )))))
Send her lots and lots of love. The more loving energy you send her way, the sooner her need will stop consuming you.
Hang in there.
– Faith
“is it possible to have an alter while being aware of it?”
Absolutely!! This is called co-consciousness or co-presence, and it is a sign of healing!!
I first became aware of having alter parts when a part called Irate “took over” while I stayed “out.” It felt like I (from the perspective of the host personality) was shoved to the side while this other part ran the show. I experienced her thoughts, but they were not coming from me. It was surreal. Up until this point, I was not aware of having alter parts.
As you heal from DID, you develop the ability to stay co-present when another part is out. Think of it as ice cubes melting and merging together. I used to invite them out (on the advice of my therapist) so I could love and accept them. This was all part of healing.
When another part comes out, I feel it “step into my face.” I also feel this odd sense of energy that separates another part from “me.” It is hard to describe — kind of like having a fuzzy or blurry line separating myself from the other part. I envision it like two bubbles sharing the same space.
Take care,
– Faith
“Midge, the other day I was running early in the morning. I ‘woke up’ sort of to a conversation going on in my head between 2 people arguing, they also talk about a third, the baby (she’s the one I am having a hard time with above). I have become aware that sometimes it is so loud in my head, conversations in my head between other people, and recently that baby. But I don’t hear voices outside my head. But am I describing DID? I cant have DID, my t has never mentioned it and I dont lose time. I had a blackout once that lasted 2 weeks, but that was a long time ago.”
I definitely see red flags for DID. A two-week blackout is a HUGE red flag. I did not recognize lost time until after integrating. Now, as I have filled in the missing pieces with recovered memories, I recognize the holes that I had in my memory and details that made no sense until I recovered what happened.
I never heard voices outside of my head. What I experienced is best described as “loud thoughts.” For example, the first time I recognized that I had an alter part, I was triggered by my mother/abuser going into my child’s room during the night. I had no conscious memory of the abuse at this point.
Another part took over, grabbed my son, and locked us in a room together away from my mother. My mind was flooded with fear and the thought, “I hope she did not molest my son.” I thought this was weird and wondered where those thoughts were coming from because they were not coming from “me.”
I used to access “conversations” between alter parts by doing free association writing. I would put my fingers on the keyboard and allow whatever wanted to come out to come. I would record arguments about how much I (as the host personality) could handle knowing right now.
Take care,
– Faith
“I have all sorts of people living inside me, some are me, but some are made up in my imagination.”
All of the parts are you. As a child, you used your imagination to create different alter parts to protect you.
For example, I have a wolf alter part. That part is as much “me” as the angry parts or the sad parts. No, I am not really a werewolf. When I was a child, I thought that the wolf in the story “Peter and the Wolf” was the scariest creature, so I created an alter part to protect me from my abusers.
You created each alter part to protect yourself, and you used your imagination to create what you needed. I have heard of all sorts of variations, from animals to big, burly men to inanimate objects, such as dolls. Alter parts are as creative as the child who created them. However, all are still you. All are still parts of one spirit.
Take care,
– Faith
WOW palucci!
That has happened to me, alot!!! Ive never mentioned it because i was scared what people would say, but i often heard conversations while i was asleep! Been a while since i had one though. Hope this makes you feel less alone in what you are experiencing.
You arent being needy palucci, you just need support and rightfully so. If it was a physical injury we wouldnt question it, for some reason we do when its this!!!!
Take care, simon.
Faith, thank you so much for telling us what you have been through and how you are managing to heal. Your support means a great deal to me. It helps me settle down a bit.
Simon, you too. Its good to be understood and to not be alone. I am glad you felt safe enough to mention the conversations you have heard too.
Thanks ahlize. I hope today is better and you have found some comfort here.
Sending thoughts of comfort strength peace and healing, Simon, Faith, Midge and Ahlize.
~palucci
Ahlize, amnesia between parts is not the defining aspect of DID. Having parts, period, is what defines DID. “Normal” people don’t have defined parts inside. They might have different aspects of themselves, such as the business woman who must be stern and precise at work, but who becomes a much kinder and playful woman when she’s at home with her family. But these are only masks they put on for circumstances that require different behavior.
Whereas with DID, the person who goes to work and takes care of business might literally be a different personality from the one who plays with the kids at home. And she may or may not be aware that she’s at least two different people, because the amnesia affects people differently. Some are fully aware of all their parts and continue to be aware while the alters take over, while others know about the alters but black out while one takes over, and still others are completely unaware of having any parts. Does that make sense?
Palucci, what you describe certainly sounds like DID. Hearing voices inside your head is a symptom that I don’t think appears anywhere else but DID. If you actually heard the voices around you, it could be schizophrenia. But having the voices in your mind sounds like DID. I often hear the voices the clearest when I’m in a drowsy state, just before falling asleep, or just after waking in the middle of the night. Something about that state relaxes the barriers of your mind, I think, letting communication flow easier.
Not all therapists are qualified to diagnose DID, and many don’t even believe in it. It may be that your T suspects but doesn’t want to alarm you until she’s sure. Or maybe she just doesn’t believe in it, so refuses to see your symptoms for what they are. What’s important is whether you feel you are or not. I discovered that I was multiple about eight years before I got diagnosed by a therapist. I simply *knew* I had DID, because of all the symptoms. That and the voices told me, LOL! 🙂
Midge, thanks for talking to us about it. I am feeling a bit better today. It is quiet in my head right now. I am going to be loving to myself today. I hope your day is good.