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Archive for February 13th, 2009

Is it possible to have a positive view of sex after sexual abuse? For me, this is the million dollar question. I truly do not know.

I can see where a woman (or man) who has had a “normal” sex life and then is raped can eventually get back to a place of having a positive view of sex again. However, is this possible for someone who was introduced to sex (rape) at such a young age that there never were positive associations with the act?

How do you take the exact same action and make it “bad” in one scenario but “good” in another? How do you take an action that was so emotionally (and possibly physically) damaging in one context and turn that into an “expression of love” in another? I feel like this is what society expects me to do, but I question whether that is even possible. Is it?

If you consider that my childhood was filled with rapes – by both men and women – and that those rapes were exceedingly painful for me (both physically and emotionally), how I am supposed to desire those same actions in order to say, “I love you,” to another person? It simply does not make sense to me.

I hear people talk about how sex is supposed to be about connecting at a very deep level. It is supposed to be about communicating how deeply you care about the other person. But that is simply not the case for me. To me, it is about another person using my body for his own gratification. As an adult, I choose to stay in a relationship that involves sex, and sex is an expected part of a marriage, but none of that adds up to me feeling like anything other than being a vessel for another person to feel gratified.

The act of sex does not make me feel loved and cherished. It makes me feel used. I am not sure how to get past that. I am also not sure if it is possible.

If you have once been in this place and have moved past it, I would love to hear your story. I would like to know that this is possible and get some tips on how to get there.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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