Archive for February 18th, 2009

In my last blog entry, I shared that I am in the process of accepting that I will always have aftermath from the child abuse to deal with. I am trying to adjust to this reality and be okay with it.

I said that when I reframe my situation and view having aftereffects from the child abuse as “normal,” I can stop beating myself up for not being able to do the impossible and, instead, have compassion on myself.

When my goal was the cessation of any aftermath from the child abuse, I was constantly falling short of the goal. I would get frustrated with myself, thinking that I was not doing X, Y, or Z enough. If I only did more of X, Y, or Z, then I would not still struggle with triggers.

When I reframe my expectations, I can stop beating myself up and, instead, have compassion on the little girl inside who was so badly wounded. Why do I struggle with frequent triggers? Because I was extremely damaged. Why do I get a bad headache and struggle with insomnia at each full moon? Because I was severally abused at the full moon for years during my childhood.

Rather than get angry with myself for having a normal reaction to severe trauma, I want to focus on loving myself. I need to accept that I was the wounded little girl in my memories – not somebody that I was watching from afar. To this day, many of my memories are from the perspective of the outside because it is still too painful to accept that this body that I live in now is the one that endured so many traumas.

I saw my therapist a couple of months ago after not seeing him for a couple of years. We talked about how I would probably continue to recover memories/experience flashbacks from time to time throughout the rest of my life. We also talked about how this is okay. I am releasing memories, getting to know myself better, and accepting myself and my experiences at deeper and deeper levels.

I can’t say that I am happy with this realization, but I do feel relieved. I can finally stop pushing myself so hard and, instead, love who I am today. I don’t have to wait until I grow into this person with no more post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) issues. I can love and accept the person who I am today. I can also appreciate who I am today. I don’t have to wait to do that.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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