Yesterday, I talked about dialing it back and shifting my focus from the dissociative identity disorder (DID) issues to the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) issues. (Isn’t my life fun??)
I have recently been recognizing just how f@#$ed up my sleep patterns are. My DID mostly shielded me from just how bad it was. I had (and still have) a wolf alter part that comes out at night to protect me while I sleep. Back when I still had DID, the wolf would take over while the host personality “lost time.” I saw this as sleeping very soundly when, in reality, I was dealing with all sorts of sleep issues.
Since my host personality integrated, I have stayed co-present when the wolf comes out. I always know that I am about to fall asleep when I feel the wolf come out.
I have had messed up sleep patterns forever, but for some reason, I am finally recognizing them for what they are. Here is my pattern:
- During the day — My version of “normal”
- Sun goes down – Headache
- Dark outside – Feel depressed
- Feel anxious/triggered
- Look for ways to make it stop – binge eat or drink alcohol
- Both tired and anxious as bedtime approaches
- Delay going to bed even though I am tired
- Go to bed late
- Wrap up tightly in blankets
- Wait for the wolf
- Experience nightmares
- Awaken at 3:00 a.m.
I cannot sleep unless all of the following happen:
- Covered in heavy blankets, even during the summer
- No breeze can touch my skin
- Must breathe “new” air – cannot be warm (suffocation triggers)
- White noise drowning out nighttime noises
This is clearly not normal. I could not do all of these things when I shared a room with hub, so I pretty much did not sleep very much or very well for over a decade.
Now, if I take a nap, I have no problem dropping off to sleep or sleeping very soundly. I also rarely have nightmares.
Obviously, this is not normal. These are all aftereffects from the child abuse. I would hear the door open and jerk awake. My mother would pull the covers off me, and I would feel a cool breeze hit my body. Those were always the first two signs that abuse was going to happen.
The fact that I went without the abuse for a few years and then it started again messed with my head, too. I cannot rest and feel assured that it won’t happen again. A part of myself is always on guard at night, waiting for the abuse to start again.
What blows my mind is that this has always been the case, but I am only recently recognizing just how serious this is. I also have no idea how to make it better. I frequently take sleep aids (herbal or over-the-counter sleeping pills) to help, but I don’t want to do that every night.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
