I was blown away by the number of responses I received to my blog entry entitled Letter to Mother Messing with My Head after Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse. The timing is doubly interesting because her birthday is coming up. I had not even thought about her birthday until I flipped the calendar and saw the notation.
I found this comment to be particularly insightful:
The child inside knows the truth in its pure and elemental form and will react when she is not honored and protected. I can’t imagine still having contact with the actual abuser and making any allowances for the feelings of such a person. The poor child. That must be a real misery. I hope you feel better soon. I wonder where the mandate to coddle this abuser is coming from. ~ Ethereal Highway
I have been thinking about this question ever since I read this comment – Where does the mandate to coddle this abuser come from? I guess it comes from several places.
The first place is from my religion. I have been a Christian since I was eight years old and, ironically, my mother/abuser is the one who introduced me to the faith. I wrestled deeply with the mandate to “Honor thy father and mother” when I started therapy. How could I possibly “honor” my abuser? Why would I even want to?
My therapist and I worked through my conflict, settling upon me “honoring” while staying true to myself by limiting contact. At the time, this was a huge step forward.
Another place comes from a lifetime of conditioning. My mother/abuser is a child in an adult’s body. She has a (slow) child’s intelligence, and she is irresponsible. As a child, I was given the responsibility of taking care of her. For example, my father would yell at me, not her, for the unkempt house. I would make my own meals because she typically failed to cook us anything for dinner. In many ways, I had to parent myself along with her when I was just a kid.
I think another issue I wrestle with is my mother/abuser being different from your typical abuser. Most of my abusers were mean, cold, calculated, and manipulative. Why in the world would I care about their feelings at all?
My mother is pathetic. She is lost and alone. The best description I have heard of her is that she looks like she knows exactly what she is doing; she just doesn’t know where she is. She is very much a child in a lot of ways, and I guess it is hard for me to reconcile this about her with the terrible things she did to me, not to mention her handing me over to truly evil and abusive people.
I guess, when it comes right down to it, I don’t see her as evil, whereas I do see my other abusers that way. My therapist warned me many, many times to stay out of my abusers’ heads. When it comes right down to it, they all abused me. However, for some reason, I have trouble putting her on the same level as the others.
But then the child in me hates her more than the others, and I guess that is the crux of my internal conflict. I hate her, pity her, feel sorry for her, and feel the need to coddle her all at the same time.
And here I thought I had cut my emotional ties to her. D@#$, I hate it when I realize that I have a whole deeper layer of crap to work through.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
wow. I get it, I think. Sort of.
It’s hard to know what is right, when there is no real “right”. One thing that does come to mind though, is that you sound like one of the things you are wrestling with is co dependency right now. The hardest thing to do is to let someone go… to fix themselves, hit bottom, face themselves and find their way back. Or not.
Maybe the coddling is instinctual for you, but may not necessarily be the best thing for her either of you in the big picture…? I don’t know. I empathize with your struggle, and yet I want to tell you it’s ok to hate what she did, and to do whatever you feel you need to in order to protect yourself and your family.
As long as you are doing the deciding, whatever you decide, will be right for you.
Hang in there.
Hi Faith, this is a very tough place to be. I can see how difficult this would be to wrestle with internally. I’m sorry.
I heard a beautiful sermon once on honoring your mother and father, especially if they weren’t honorable to you during growing up. It was all about honoring them by how you choose to break the cycle and live differently then they did. That is the best way to honor the “role” your parents “should” have played. So you have already done that by being a great mom and choosing to continue to heal and grow.
Choosing to have contact with your mom is a very personal decision and you are in a unique situation, take care of yourself and I have no doubt you will do what is best for you and your family. All the best,
barbi
Hey Faith. I didn’t comment on your other post about this – it was just too close to the bone – and this post is to be honest. I’m in a very similar space. I’ve not had contact with my parents for the last 3 years in an attempt to sever the complicated ties between us. I’ve recently restarted email dialogue to try and ascertain what they are prepared to acknowledge, admit and talk about regarding what I’ve been remembering. But it brings up all the old issues again. My role was to protect my mother emotionally, to be there for her when my father was frequently away, to make the world a better place for her, to be the perfect child to ensure she looked good as a parent, as a person and much more.
So I feel this huge anger at the moment and yet I supress it, take it on myself, swallow it down, because my job is to protect her. I write these emails trying to get the wording right so I don’t upset her, accuse her, and to make sure she feels heard and understood, trying to soften the blow (I don’t know for sure if she knew or was involved or not). There is a part of me that is just wanting to scream and yell and let rip. Wants them to know just how much I hurt, am angry, just what happened and how it affected me. But I can’t. And as a Christian, I too struggle with the honouring your parents stuff. And feeling like I should be able to forgive, let go, leave the judgement up to God. If I was a “better” person I could just forget about it (again) and get on with them.
And their emails just reinforce this – the whole, we love you so much, we’ve done everything we could to protect you – more than others would have, we never let anything bad happen to you, we want to help you…. and I’m left feeling the baddie. I have kind, concerned parents, whats my problem? Sorry for talking about my stuff – it’s just I can so relate.
Karen,
Thank you for sharing your struggles. It reassures me that I am not alone in my struggles.
Take care,
– Faith
I completely understand where you are here, Faith. Last week was my mother’s birthday. She is quite pitiful as well and I could relate to almost everything you described about your own mother in this post. I have a problem with Christmas, birthdays, holidays and such, and a big chunk of that is my mother. She is so very pitiful that it seemed almost cruel if I did not at least do some small thing at Christmas like letting her come over to visit and buying her a gift. Last Christmas I was in such bad shape that I was sleeping when she came over. She dropped off gifts and left. I felt guilty and invited her over for New Year’s Dinner. Even though she was on her best behavior, it was an internal nightmare for me because she hasn’t really changed much at all. She is still in denial about her own family of origin and about my father and our life when I was a child. She is still the same woman who spent my entire childhood and far beyond trying to convince me and everyone else that I was crazy and that the abuse was all in my imagination. She denies it all to this day. Last week when her birthday came, I took no action what-so-ever. I normally would have at least called or sent a card, but I completely ignored it. I guess I just decided that how she feels about family and special occasions is something she is going to have to work out on her own and that I am not responsible for her feelings. I am responsible for protecting the scared little girl who lives here inside, though. I had to choose, so I chose me.
I used to be a Christian, too. I wonder if you can choose you by honoring the OFFICE of parent by being the best and most honest one possible for the child inside. That didn’t work for me, but maybe it will for you as each person sees their religious beliefs a little differently from others. If nothing else, some people can look at a religion and accept it without believing and practicing every single principal involved. Since you are a Christian, maybe you can ask yourself what Jesus would do? Would he make that little girl go to the woman who terrifies her or would he let her stay with you and be protected from the horror? If you can consider it this way, remember what it means to be a Christian. The old way is gone and Jesus came to bring freedom to the oppressed. And what did he say when pushed for an answer about what are the most important of the commandments? Didn’t your mother make it so that little girl became your neighbor instead of your Self? Lots to consider.
Take care and hang on, Faith. I have a sneaking suspicion that you will end up AOK here. You seem like a winner to me. You really do. I’m not trying to incite a riot in anyone’s comments, but if you want to use your religion as a tool to aid you, it won’t work unless you really see Jesus how he truly is instead of how the people (including his Apsotles) want him to be. Jesus was not interested in the staus quo. He was a brave and noble man. He was also into a righteous civil disobedience when it was just. I will never understand why Christians pay more attention to the Apostles than they do to the Gospel of the Christ they claim as God.
http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/2007/06/jesus-meme.html
EH,
I think you and I could have a very interesting theological discussion. :0)
I disagree with many of organized Christianity’s interpretations of the Bible. I do consider myself to be “Christian” based upon my interpretation of the Bible (which I have read cover-to-cover twice and have studied for many years), not based upon the tenets of organized religion. For example, I believe in reincarnation — that’s hardly in the Methodist Book of Discipline. LOL
If you have any interest in an email theological discussion, please shoot me an email. My email address is under “About Faith Allen” in the upper right corner of the screen. I never post it in the blog itself or I will get spammed to death.
I have a feeling that you and I probably see eye to eye on a lot of things re: religion. And if we don’t, that’s okay, too. I love to hear other points of view. It helps me broaden my own perspective and sometimes points me in a new and interesting direction.
Take care,
– Faith
I struggle in the same ways somewhat. i dont know how to reconcile it. especially in view of Christiianity which is a huge part of who i am. and shapes the way i think about everything, it presses heavily upon me.
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I have never posted before so forgive me if I do “trigger.” As a Christian, it broke my heart to read that EH “used to be a Christian too.” I feel that we tend to think that because something happens to us (whether we are abused or robbed at gun point) that is indicative of God putting His stamp of approval on it. After all, He is all knowing and all powerful so if it happens… That is so far from the truth! Just because something terrible happens to us, that does not mean that God approves it. I’m sorry, but I have a hard time with always having to reconcile things. When I think of the pain of my childhood and life, I think of Christ hanging on the cross near death; “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” I personally don’t have to reconcile anything. I don’t have to understand it and analyze it. Frankly, I don’t care why. I can’t do anything about the whys and what if’s. It won’t change it if I choose to embark on understanding it. I don’t excuse it away either-I accept it. It took awhile but when I was able to accept it for what it was-something that happened to me; not because of me and when I realized that I will never be able to understand why people do the things they do-both to themselves and others, I was okay with that. If ever I have met people who have the ability to forgive; and that without reason, it is those of us who were abused. Some of us as children and some as adults. We know what forgiveness; real forgiveness looks like and feels like probably better than any other group in the world. I led my mother to Christ a few years before she passed away in 2001 and I send my dad Bible studies as he is now bed-ridden. Forgiveness is a miracle and God has entrusted us with it. What we do with it, well that is up to us- I was set free by it. Sin is sin to God. Whether we lie, commit adultery, or beat and have sex with our own children- I know that is hard to swallow. It is true however, just as forgiveness is forgiveness. Does the liar deserve forgiveness but the child abuser does not? Does the thief but not the adulteress? Who decides, us? I thank God that he is willing to forgive all because I am included in that “all.” No, I have never harmed my girls (abuse taught me how to love in a strange way) and no I have not cheated on my husband and no, I have never taken a life; but I am a sinner regardless of the “level” and that means that I need forgiveness too. I would not want God to withold that from me and I do want to withhold from others-no matter how hard it is. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, please know that was not my intent. This is just how I chose to deal with my abuse and religion-it does not make it the only way as you well know-it is just my road you know?
Peace,
Lisa