I have been reading the book The Shack by William Paul Young. This is a New York Times bestseller that is quite popular among the church crowd. The tag line is “Where tragedy confronts eternity.” The basic gist is to try to make sense of where faith comes in when tragedy strikes.
The premise of the book is that the main character, Mack, lost his six-year-old daughter to a serial killer. Obviously, his pain has affected his ability to connect with his faith. He receives a mysterious note from G*d, inviting him to return to the shack where evidence of the child’s murder was found. The rest of the book is an allegory of wrestling with making sense of faith amidst tragedy.
I have found that this book contains a lot of wisdom in it. This week, I would like to explore some of the pearls of wisdom that I have found, specifically those relating to those of us who are healing from child abuse. I am trying to write this in a way that does not leave out those of you who are triggered by religion. If religion is unavoidable in a topic, then I will post a trigger warning for you.
My first topic does not have any religious triggers. Here is the quote I would like to explore from the book:
You cannot produce trust, just as you cannot “do” humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me. ~ The Shack, page 128
I found this pearl of wisdom to be quite insightful. I always think of trust as something that I “fail” to do. I have a very hard time trusting people, and I have seen this as a shortcoming that I need to work on. However, I think there is a lot of wisdom in the thought that trust is a natural byproduct of feeling loved.
I have a new best friend. We have known each other for a few years but just started getting closer about a year ago. She is very guarded, but once she lets you into her heart, she does it wholeheartedly.
I am finding myself trusting her more and more, and it has been a natural byproduct of knowing that she loves me. I have not had to “work on” trusting her. I also did not have to “work on” caring about her. The intermixing of love and trust happened naturally as we become more emotionally intimate in talking about the things that matter.
On the flip side, I have other relationships in which I do not trust much, and I am growing to see it is because I do not know that I am loved. In some cases, I am probably not. In other cases, I do not feel the love. It might be because of how the other person expresses the love, or it might be because I resist the expression. Regardless, I do not feel loved, so I do not trust.
What do you think about this correlation?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
I’ve read that book also, very revealing about love. I totally agree with you about your observation on the relationship between trust and love. When I apply this to my own life I realized that for so long I too thought I had to work at trusting someone. Now it makes total sense that I can only trust when I know I’m loved, because that is when I truly feel safe.
I have a hard time trusting anyone. In the end everyone only looks out for themselves. When that’s been your experience with everyone from your mother to your husband, how do you learn to trust? After all they told me they loved me…
Ljane,
If I based my ability to feel loved and trust on my relationship with my mother or my husband, I would be in the same boat. It has been through friendships and through becoming a parent that I have been able to learn to trust … at least a little bit.
– Faith
Yes. Yes. I totally agree with you. I can not trust if I don’t feel loved, but I never feel loved because I can not trust anyone to love me without having their own agenda. OMG! This issue has heightened my overall anxiousness. I am not overwhelmed or anything, but putting these feelings into words clarifies the details of what I feel. I have to admit its a bit scary. I know logically people love and care about me. But I can’t take it all in or fully accept it. This really sad I suppose and not fair to others who work at deepening their relationship with me. You have given me something to think about and explore in my own blog and journal writing.
Faith, I have to tell you I really appreciate your entries. I read your blog everyday because it touches upon all the issues I am facing. I just started therapy again, this time to deal specifically with the PTSD and I believe it is because your writing made me realize you can’t deal with the abuse passively. You must be a proactive participant in your recovery. Thank you for helping me realize that recovery is possible.
Lady In A Net
hey Faith. Really excited you are going to be writing this series. I read the Shack and agree it contains a lot of wisdom. Certainly made me look at things in a really different way. I really struggle with this issue and how it feels like a vicious cycle – can’t trust because don’t feel loved – don’t feel loved as can’t trust them. Hmm… not sure how to allow myself to feel more loved – because I know rationally there are some who really do love me.
Some of the book I really agreed with, some I disagreed with and some really challenged me but was probably very true. I really liked the part about pain clipping our wings but we are not defined by our limitations and the whole bird analogy (pgs 97 and 100). His rant at God on p161 is so totally where I am at. I found the bit about how we don’t have a right to anything (p137) hard and wrestled with it a lot. Would be interested to know your views on that.
Trust and love do seem to go together naturally.
I am confused by the spiritual communities and healing communities always talking about “trust” being healthy and we all must do it, etc… Why should we just trust a random person/people? And who decided that trust in general is healthy? I mean, obviously all of us have to have a certain amount of it to live in a society, but… (I trust most waitresses also!) But I don’t think we’re talking about that kind of trust.
Are faith and trust the same? I have to go look them up now!
Thanks for making me think!
pf
uh hem… I think I got two blog posts confused, sorry! I have been reading a lot lately. The waitress part was from a different source! Somebody somewhere said that they “trust that their waitress will bring their food.” But other sorts of trust were hard.
Also forgot to mention that I have heard very good things about “The Shack” from friends to NPR. I just don’t know if I can get through it now. It is on my list though.
I have said that about the waitress on other blog entries. You might have read some of my other writings on trust.
I agree with you, though. There is a HUGE difference between trusting a waitress to bring me my food and trusting another person with my heart.
– Faith
i dont feel loved either by anyone… and i feel like i will forever slip between the cracks unoticed unheard and pushed away.. i will always be the girl prostituted and taken tto the basement… always missing the opportunity and never good enough, the book was hard for me i read most of it, in a wierd way, i wished i was the little girl, cause i did get hurt real bad and i did have blood on my dress but i wasnt lucky enough to go to heaven i am still here. suffering.
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Zoe — There are many times that I have felt the same way. Fortunately, that deep level of despair passes, although not fast enough while I am in it.
Hang in there.
– Faith
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I have read the shack too, and i found it to be one of the best books i have ever read! I loved the way Young described the relationship of us and God…I agree with your words on trust. I am realizing that i am having to work at relationships, im having to fight for friendships. and that’s not right. I shouldn’t have to “fight” for love, friendship, and trust from someone…it should come easily. This is an area i am really struggling in, realizing who my true friends are. Realizing what friendships are not healthy for me. It’s hard though, because i’m finding it really hard to forgive some people in my life…
-Meghan
There are many different types of relationships we can have with one another, from friendship romantic love to parental or sibling love or working relationships. Whilst love can feel wonderful and bring much joy and happiness, it can also bring much pain. Yet it is through pain that we learn the most ut there are ways to be in relationship with others that is positive and uplifting to yourself and to the other, even if the relationship doesn’t last forever. In love relationships we have much to learn from the other. The important people in our lives (actually all people in our lives) are really mirrors. We draw to us those who will help us learn about ourselves. Each time we are presented with a challenge in a relationship, we are really being presented with an ‘opportunity’ to look inside ourselves to see what about us it is that needs working on, so that we may grow s an example, if a partner