I have been reading the book The Shack by William Paul Young. This week, I am focusing upon different words of wisdom in the book that can be applied to survivors of child abuse. See my first post for more information about the book.
One of my struggles as a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse has been making sense out of and healing from my mother’s warped version of love for me. It would have been easier for me if she was always evil. However, she did sometimes do loving things for me, and then other times, she was extremely abusive. Trying to make sense out of this has been hard for me.
And then, of course people say things like, “She did the best she could,” to which I reply, “BS!!!!” I actually told a woman one time that raping a child is not doing the best that you can as a parent.
Here is a quote from the book The Shack on this topic:
In some sense every parent does love their children…But some parents are too broken to love them well and others are barely able to love them at all… ~ The Shack page 156
This is really another way of saying the following quote, which has brought me an enormous amount of healing:
Just because someone does not love you in the way that you need doesn’t mean that she isn’t loving you with all that she has. ~ Author Unknown
As abused children, we mistakenly believed that the lack of love was about our own shortcomings. If we were only prettier, smarter, better behaved, [fill in the blank], then we would be loved. The reality is that the abusive parents were broken and unwilling or unable to love us in the way that we needed. This was about their shortcomings, not ours.
It was a healing balm for me to be able to recognize that my mother could love me but also be too broken to love me in the way that I needed. I was not “crazy” to feel love from her sometimes while, at the same time, fear her as my abuser. I received both signals because she sent both signals.
Broken people might love, but they are unable to love as fully and completely as a child needs. As a parent myself, I know how much emotional investment it takes to parent a child – my mother certainly did not have that capacity within her. The failings were all on her end, not mine.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
I get this. I feel the same about my family… however, I still believe that some people/parents are so broken that they do not know what love is, only control and passing on their own shame and pain. I see both sides of the argument, but I also think that when someone becomes so broken that they don’t show any kindnesses or thoughtfulness, can it really be called love? (I’m not talking about your mother here, but some other more hard hearted abusers out there) I just don’t know.
These topics are very tricky. I’d like to believe that what “The Shack” says is true for us all, but I just don’t. Thanks for sharing. I just may not be there yet…. again, I’m thinking.
Thanks as always for opening our minds a little further.
blessings,
pf
Don’t worry, Mia. I don’t agree with all of it, either. This is just one man’s opinion.
I am to a part in the book right now that I really disagree with. Now, I have not finished this part yet, so I am trying to keep an open mind. However, my first reaction was BS!! So, we’ll see.
Re: broken people — I really do not believe that S, my most sadistic abuser, had the capacity to love. I believe that she was a psychopath. However, I was not her child, so I cannot speak for the experiences of her children. I am just thankful that I was not one of them.
Take care,
– Faith
Faith,
What you write of in this entry about the failing being on their end, not ours struck a chord. We struggle with some of our childhood abuse because our parent wasn’t evil all of the time. there were times of “normalcy” in all of it. Thanks for giving us more food for thought on the topic.
Kay
Faith,
This post reminded me of a line in The Secret Life of Bees. Even though my life was different from Lily’s, I so deeply identified with the desperate longing she had for a mother. I would imagine that anyone whose mother was abusive feels that they have a big, painful hole where their mother should have been. But I really liked August’s line in the movie, “There’s no perfect love, Lily.” That helped me to accept a little better the confusing coexistence of love and abuse in my mother’s behavior toward me.
Faith, I’ve been reading your blogs about the Shack, and I saw for the first time your mention of your mother as a Christian (counselor, no less). My mother is also a devout Christian, and one who both ministers to others and counsels others about parenting (I’ll echo your shudder!). She is not a hypocrite, but I believe that her spirituality functions a lot like an addiction…almost like an alcoholic. It has been very painful for me to deal with the spiritual aspects of her abuse…how to reconcile her sincerity in faith with some of the sexual invasiveness, which I don’t think she intended maliciously…but nevertheless…. I feel almost as scared of someone doing prayer ministry with my precious daughter as I fear other types of abuse for her. Sorry…I’m not really going anywhere with this thought; just sharing my ache. Thank you for all you are sharing of yourself.
Hi, Blueorchid.
OMG — I totally get what you are saying with the “god-addiction.” Yes, my mother is that was so much that it is scary. I am sorry to hear that you know that pain, too.
– Faith