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Archive for March 17th, 2009

Several of you have asked me whether or not I ever talked to my mother/abuser about the abuse. The short answer is no, although I did sort of confront her through one of my alter parts when I was still in college.

When my therapist and I talked about confrontation, he strongly suggested that I not confront her. He said that he generally leaves that decision up to the patient, and it is ultimately my decision. However, in my case, he felt that a confrontation would be a very bad idea.

In my case, my mother is schizophrenic. My therapist is concerned that a confrontation could cause her to have a psychotic episode and have to be hospitalized. He does not want me to feel guilty for anything that she might do in a psychotic state after I confront her.

Also, I see little to be gained by a confrontation. I truly do not believe that she carries memories of the abuse in her conscious mind, so she certainly would not validate my memories of the abuse. And, without her being willing/able to take responsibility for the abuse, I see no point in having the confrontation in the first place.

Now, I did sort of confront her back in college through an alter part. To make a very long story short, my mother screwed me over financially in college. We had a financial arrangement that she backed out on without telling me. I found out when my car insurance was canceled right in the middle of finals. I was not happy.

So, I called my mother (who lived in another state), and she had a really smug, b@#$%y attitude on the phone. An alter part took over and said, “You already f#$%ed me as a child. You are not going to f#$% me as an adult.” Of course, she hung up on me.

After this conversation, my mother immediate “forgot” what was said or why. [I believe that she has dissociative identity disorder (DID) in addition to the schizophrenia.] All she remembered was that I called her and “was nasty to her.” She took out a gun, loaded it, and almost blew her head off. I learned about this a few years later, when she wrote a self-published autobiography.

After I read her autobiography, I asked her if she remembered why I was “nasty to her,” and she said, “No.” She seemed very confused about the whole thing. I chose not to remind her.

I see nothing positive coming out of confronting my mother about the abuse, but I see a lot of potential negative. If she blows her own head off, then that is her business, but I don’t want to potentially cause her to have a psychotic episode and blow somebody else’s head off.

For me, I am at peace with my decision not to confront my mother about the abuse. I have been able to heal without having this conversation with her, and I don’t think that anything positive would come from this conversation – at least not enough to make it worth the taxing emotional experience of going through with a confrontation on my end. I would much rather simply never see her again at all.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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