I am posting this message in real time. This just happened … my mother/abuser just called my house!!!!!
I have been focusing on breathing for the last hour. I called my therapist and am waiting to hear back from him. I also called a friend, who was great at reminding me to breathe. Seriously, I keep feeling lightheaded because I keep forgetting to breathe.
Let me back up…Mother/abuser’s birthday was last week, and I did not send her a card or present. She is in “Christian counseling” as part of becoming a Christian counselor herself. [Deep shudder] I suspect that this counselor is the one pushing her to disregard all of the boundaries that I have had in place for over five years – don’t call or visit; only write once a month; do not discuss the past or reconciliation.
Seriously – If a woman’s adult child has not wanted contact in over five years, why would this counselor think that badgering me is going to result in a reconciliation? Oh, that’s right … She’s not an educated psychotherapist.
So, my mother/abuser sent me a card on Monday. It was very short, and I dissociated away most of it. (My friend took the card so I would not get triggered by it again.) It said something along the lines of, “It has been a long time. I want a reconciliation. I will do whatever it takes.”
And then now, only two days later, she is calling my house!?!! I haven’t even had time to respond by mail yet!!
Again, I dissociated the message, but it was definitely her voice and something along the lines of, “You should have received my card by now. I want a reconciliation. Please call me…” I turned it off before it finished. My friend is going to listen to the message and tell me if there is anything that I need to know from it. Then, I am going to delete it.
I am not sure what to do other than remind myself that I am not a little girl any longer. She cannot force me to reconcile with her. If she shows up on my doorstep, I will call the cops. If hub is home, he will take care of it. Fortunately, I am going out of town this weekend. If she shows up then, hub will make sure she never comes back. She lives 6 hours away by car, and I would not have thought that she would just show up. However, after this barrage of contact and running over all of my boundaries, nothing would surprise me.
Don’t worry about me. I am going to be okay. I am going to pick up my son from school and then go to my friend’s house. She will keep me calm (or as calm as I can be). In the meantime, I am going to keep reminding myself to breathe.
Please send your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy my way today.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
breathing with you…. do keep us updated if you can. i feel your distress. 😦
[…] erunner posted a noteworthy aricle today onHere’s a small snippetShe is in “Christian counseling” as part of becoming a Christian counselor herself. [Deep shudder] I suspect that this counselor is the one pushing her to disregard all of the boundaries that I have had in place for over five years … […]
Hang in there. You are doing great.
If she continues this stalking like behavior and abusing your boundaries, you and the hub may consider changing to an unlisted number and perhaps a restraining order..?
Besides your immediate family, you are loved by a whole lot of people that visit here… People you’ve never met, but that you’ve reached out to and helped, people that only want good things for you and your family….Keep that in mind…. and for goodness sake, keep breathing.
With you in spirit,
Mia
Thank you both.
I am doing better this evening. My therapist called me back. He suggested that I not respond at all. I had previously told my mother/abuser that the consequence for violating my boundaries would be three months of no contact. That worked last time, when she pulled this a few years ago, and he thinks it will work again. However, if she contacts me again, he said to call him back, and we will come up with an action plan.
He also told me to stay out of her head. He said that her motivations do not matter. What matters is what is best for me, and that is not going to change, regardless of why she is disrespecting my boundaries now.
– Faith
I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself.
It sounds like you have good advice from the therapist. Wow, Faith. I’m so sorry for the strain and the upheaval you are enduring with this and I totally understand it. It sounds like you have a real gem in the friend who took the mother’s card and will listen to her message. Hold on to that, honey. That’s gold and reminds us that some people are safe and that we now have the ability to secure safe people and hold them close as our friends.
My Friend in Spirit,
I haven’t checked your blog in ages, and lo and behold I am here today. Can you imagine that ?!
I have not spoken to my parents in ten years, but two years ago they appeared at my home and confronted me. My phone number is unlisted and my home address is rented from Mailboxes Etc. so you can imagine the terror I felt…. had they possibly hired a private investigator to find me?
At least I had enough sense of safety at this time in my life that this confrontation did not split me for ages. I hope the same for you.
I also have wonderful friends in my life who would literally chase my parents away with pitchforks. LOL. I would be glad to do the same for you!!!
Sending you warm thoughts of protection and safety. And, if I could I would share one of my stuffed animals with you, from my inner little girl to yours.
Be well.
(((Faith))) Sending you all the love and support in the world. It does sound like you have a good therapist, with the right advice about doing what is right for you. I’m really sorry this has happened to you, but from the outside it seems that you’re doing an amazing job breathing and getting through it. Hang in there.
I am here, sitting and breathing with you. I hope you are doing better this night.
Thank you, everyone. I could feel all of the loving support from all of you.
I did surprisingly well yesterday. It helped that my sister told me that my mother could not drive to my house because she wouldn’t have the gas money. Also, she only came here three times, and that was over 6 years ago, so she probably could not find my house. (I seriously doubt she has even heard of MapQuest.)
I slept fitfully, but that was to be expected. My dreams were not nearly as bad as they could have been. So, I guess I am getting through this. I am mostly trying to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it.
Thanks again, everyone!!
– Faith
Hi Faith, I am glad you seem to be getting through this pretty well. I hope you are ok
Just letting you know I am thinking of you. Sorry I am coming in late on this.
Only the best wishes for you Faith,
palucci
there was a time for me when I was afraid my parents would find me too and I felt very unsafe… I’m so sorry you are having to go thru this with her… it is SO hard when they say that, but have no real idea what the issue is!
your friend sounds like a true blessing and I love what your therapist said too…
sending white light and blessings…
Hope
Holding your breath also holds the pain in. Breathing out lets some of the pain out and some of the nourishment you need in.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
[…] middle of all of this, another letter arrived from my mother/abuser. I shared previously about her last unwanted contact here. My mother sent me a letter in mid-March and then called me. Thank goodness I was not home. Now, […]
[…] Mother/Abuser Trying to Force a Reconciliation! […]
Perhaps you have written about this elsewhere, and you can direct me toward where I can read about it, but I have never been clear about whether your mother knows that you now know what has happened to you during your childhood- her abuse of you, and her facilitating other’s abuse of you. If she does know I would be interested in knowing more about her reaction to the fact that you know.