Time to get back to The Shack. I took a break to address some other issues, but now that I have almost finished reading the book, I have many more topics to discuss.
For those who are new to my blog, I have been reading the book The Shack by William Paul Young. I have been focusing upon different words of wisdom in the book that can be applied to survivors of child abuse. See my first post for more information about the book.
Today, I would like to focus upon this quote:
As Mack made his way down the trail toward the lake, he suddenly realized that something was missing. His constant companion, The Great Sadness, was gone … Its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. For the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now, unexpectedly, it had vanished … He wondered who he would be now that he was letting all of that go–to walk into each day without the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of everything. ~ The Shack page 172
A couple of years ago, a friend called me on my “dependence” upon the label of child abuse survivor. She told me that, although I had been abused as a child, a child abuse survivor did not define who I am. By choosing to identify myself with this label, I was boxing myself in and limiting the potential of who I could be.
If I identify myself a child abuse survivor, then I set limits on my own potential. The human spirit has no limits, so why do I want to limit myself? She pointed out that I was forcing myself to live in a closet while I had mansion at my disposal. Only I could choose to step out of the closet and claim what is rightfully mine – A fulfilling life that is not limited by anything.
Since that conversation, I have wrestled with who I am and what I can be. On the one hand, I agree that I do not want to limit myself. I don’t want to use being a child abuse survivor as an excuse for refusing to engage in life or invest in relationships. However, there is also no denying that my symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are very real and do not just “go away” just because I want them to.
So, in many ways, I feel like Mack in this quote from the book, wondering who I am and who I can be when I remove the limitations of my history of child abuse.
I have also wrestled with not wanting to lose my connection with other child abuse survivors. I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I found Isurvive, a message board for child abuse survivors. I didn’t want to give up that connection and feeling of belonging.
So, for a couple of years now, I have been wrestling with where I fit in. I want to honor my reality without limiting my future. The balance between the two is not always easy.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
It is an interesting conundrum. On the one hand it is sort of confining to label ourselves as anything… we are all people.
The thing is that many issues/conditions in life are socially created and it seems that they are best resolved or dealt with socially…like recovery of any kind. That’s why support groups like AA, NA, parents without partners, etc.. work so well. We all need to validate ourselves and our reality when we experience certain things in life. There is really no way that “outsiders” to those situations can truly understand the way those who have can. They do provide really great perspectives at times, and help us not to obsess too much and that is good.
We are not limited, but seriously challenged in ways that others are not, so it’s natural to have that safety net. At least it is for me.
Take it easy,
Mia
I found the statement concerning potential quite interesting. Are we limiting our “potential” by labeling ourselves child abuse survivors or perhaps it is just the opposite. We are reaching our potential by acknowledging we are child abuse survivors and doing the hard work it takes to heal – one moment at a time. I believe we get confused by the word potential. Do we think we have to accomplish something notable and amazing to have reached our potential? Or is it that we are the best human beings we can be, living truthfully, and committing ourselves to stopping that kind of hurt in any way we can.
My friends tell me I am a hero even though I am a child abuse survivor because I have broken the cycle. I can accept that because I believe there is hero in each one of us and it can come out in big ways or small ones.
What I do know is that having survived our childhoods we missed out on any semblance of normal. So we can be easily impressed by what others say – somewhat like a child who listens carefully to his mom or dad to learn and grow. That is just part of it for us. I have had to work hard to listen to other’s opinions and glean from them what works for me, then form my own. My days of being led are not as often as in the past. Still they are of there but not as often.
So when I waiver and feel diminished or unworthy or not as much as I can be, I just sit still, breath and remember I made it this far, I am alive, and I have brought good life into this world.
My heart is with you.
[…] read this post over at Enola’s the other day, and something just didn’t sit right with me about it. I […]
Faith, friends often give us well-meaning advice on things we should be doing, things we shouldn’t being doing, on how to live our lives. Some of it is right and good and we should take it in and make it our own. Some of it isn’t. Only we can each decide for ourselves which it is to be.
When I had been in an Adult Children of Alcoholics group for about a year, a couple took it upon themselves to tell me that it was time to talk about something else other than my incest issues. I listened to what they said, went home, thought about their comments, got mad, got over it, thought some more about what they said and decided it was all their stuff, not mine. At least one of them, if not both, had unresolved incest issues of their own that they weren’t willing to look at. I continued to talk about my issues and they quit coming to meetings. Was it my fault they quit coming to meetings? Nope, they had their reasons. All any of us can do is work on our own issues. Other people can stay or leave, their choice.
I don’t use my label as an incest survivor as a way to play the victim. I use it to pass the hope and love along to others who are still suffering. I haven’t been a victim in a very long time. I am a Survivor and will be until the day that I die. It isn’t all of who I am but it is an important part of who I am. I would not be the person that I am today without the abuse.
I can’t imagine the person that I would be today without my past as an incest survivor. I love who I am today. I am strong and courageous and loving and kind. I could go on and on. My ego just loves that. But ego isn’t what it is all about either. Other people gave me hope and love and courage when I couldn’t stand on my own. One of them even gave me a temporary place to stay when I finally had the courage to face my dad and say “No more, I am out of here.” Admitting to being an incest survivor and reaching out a hand to others in need from incest or abuse of any kind is a pay back to those people who were there for me when I needed someone else to be strong.
[…] of child abuse survivor, limiting yourself through labels I recently wrote a blog entry entitled Words of Wisdom from “The Shack”: Dangers of the Label “Child Abuse Survivor”, in which I said the following: A couple of years ago, a friend called me on my “dependence” […]
There is a saying that you are only a survivor once you have made it home.
I’m not a survivor, I haven’t made it home yet, but each day is a day closer and one day I’ll get there, and I’ll be able to let it all go – but not yet.