I have been reading the book The Shack by William Paul Young. I have been focusing upon different words of wisdom in the book that can be applied to survivors of child abuse. See my first post for more information about the book.
The book The Shack hits upon a hot-button topic for child abuse survivors: forgiveness. I have mixed reviews to offer about the way this book handles forgiveness. I was quite displeased with the sudden forgiveness of and reconciliation with the abusive father. However, the matter involving forgiving the man who murdered Mack’s daughter was much more realistic.
I do not completely agree with the author’s views on forgiveness, but I really did like this part:
Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release you from something that will eat you alive, that will destroy your joy and your ability to love full and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don’t you want to cut that off? ~ The Shack page 227
I have been saying for years that forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. It also has nothing to do with “forgetting” about the offense. Instead, forgiveness is an internal choice that I made within myself to stop “feeding” energy into hatred toward my abusers. By choosing to stop nursing the bitterness and, instead, use the energy to heal myself, I cut the bond between us.
The day I chose to begin forgiving my mother/abuser (forgiveness is a process, not a “moment”), my life stopped being about her. Up until that point, I aimed so much mental energy toward hating her. My life was consumed by hating her. I thought about her a lot (how much I hated her), and I limited the degree to which I could connect with other people. There was no room left for investing in loving others because so much of myself was consumed by hating her.
I did not want to stop hating her because she deserved my hatred. However, it hit me that I was the only one suffering, not her. My hatred was all inside of myself. So, when I chose to stop nursing my bitterness toward her, it really made little difference in her life, but it made all of the difference in the world in mine.
I don’t really like the term “forgiveness” because society has tacked on many things that it does not include, such as forgetting about the offense and reconciling with the offender. I like the term “letting go” better because that better captures what was involved in my choice to forgive.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I think ;you really have an understanding of what forgiveness is really about. There are many misconceptions of what forgiveness is such as letting someone of the hook or if you have forgiven you must let them back in your life (reconciliation). Forgiveness is none of these as you have pointed out. Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which you make a decision to see a situation differently. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so instead of seeing a situation through the lens of anger, guilt or fear we see it through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Instead of getting stuck in your own emotional baggage you can now see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding. That is forgiveness.
I like to think of forgiveness as the science of the heart, a discipline of discovering all the ways of being that will extend your love to the world and discarding all the ways that do not. It is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. Forgiveness is a process through which an injured person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him or her.
On a deeper level forgiveness is about changing the way we think which includes embracing our humanity and spiritual nature and the humanity and spiritual nature of all human beings.
Forgiveness is not easy. We have to do a lot of inner work, but it is about our own inner healing so we can move forward without a slow cancer killing us. As you read in the Shack, you only become a victim twice over by letting the hatred seize within you. The perpetrator continues his/her grip on you without even doing anything.
Eileen Borris, Ed.D. author of “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger or Resentment.” http://www.dreileenborris.com is a psychologist who specializes in helping clients learn how to forgive.
Amen, sister. Amen.
You said it! This encourages me, because so many people have told me my healing would only come when I forgave my abusers. Healing, like forgiving, is a process. According to your explanation, I have “let go” my abusers! And I am in the process of “letting them go,” and healing too!
Hey All,
Yea, I have a real problem with this paradox too, and the word forgiveness. I read a really great book that explains the sort of modernized meaning/process of forgiving. It is a wonderful book and I loaned it to someone so I can’t remember who wrote it. It’s called FORGIVENESS and has some catchy little subtitle I think. I’m also pretty sure there were 2 authors. Anyway, I found it to be extremely helpful, but it’s still an akward concept.
Peace,
Mia
Hey Faith. Thanks so much for writing this series. Interestingly enough I have been discussing this book in my own therapy sessions (as my therapist has just now finished it and so we can disucuss my feelings on it). It is really helpful to read your thoughts on it too, and I take some of them with me to the sessions!!
I really felt that Mack’s forgiveness of his father was too fast and unrealistic. I suppose he had different eyes at the time, but still, I didn’t really like that bit.
I tend to think about it as “I am forgiving them” it’s not that I have forgiven them, or even I forgive them (which makes it sound like a one off thing) but as you write it is a process, a continuous choice not to carry them around with me everywhere, not to let them get in between me and those who are in my life now, not to keep replaying their words and actions. But some days are harder than others!
I left an earlier message which I do not see posted here now. I really like what was written about forgiveness here. There are so many misconceptions about forgiveness. Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which you make a decision to see a situation differently. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so instead of seeing a situation through the lens of anger, guilt or fear we see it through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Instead of getting stuck in your own emotional baggage you can now see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding. That is forgiveness.
I like to think of forgiveness as the science of the heart, a discipline of discovering all the ways of being that will extend your love to the world and discarding all the ways that do not. It is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. Forgiveness is a process through which an injured person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him or her.
On a deeper level forgiveness is about changing the way we think which includes embracing our humanity and spiritual nature and the humanity and spiritual nature of all human beings.
It takes a lot of work to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is about our own inner healing. It is not about letting someone else off the hook. It also does not mean that we have to be in a relationship with the person who hurt us. They need to take responsibility for what they have done. To let go means that we do not have to be a victim twice over and that we have healed the cancer within us.
I have written extensively on forgiveness, its meaning and misconceptions and how to forgive.
Eileen Borris – author of “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness. Eileen is a psychologist whose practice focuses on helping people learn how to forgive so they can have freer and richer lives.
Everyone,
Here is a link to Eileen’s book:
Finding Forgiveness: A Seven-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness
Eileen — I’ll try to figure out why your last message is not appearing.
– Faith
Thanks Faith – I love what you are doing. It is a wonderful post and your comments are excellent. Eileen
Found it!
WordPress put your first message into the spam queue because of the link. This is just to make sure that nobody posts inappropriate links. I have approved your comment, and it now appears at the top of the comments.
Take care,
– Faith
See I think there is a big difference between forgiveness and letting go. I think letting go is something that is apart of our journey or healing, but forgiveness…imo for forgiveness to be real, the abuser has to ask for forgiveness and then we have to decide for ourselves if we can truly forgive, but to truly forgive I really feel the abuser must first actually ask for forgiveness.
Hi, Mo.
I respectfully disagree. :0)
I see what you describe as the steps toward reconciliation, and I completely agree that, for this to happen, the abuser must experience remorse, make amends, and ask for forgiveness. After this, the victim can either choose to reconcile or not. I see this as different from forgiveness.
An online friend, who is Jewish, told me that there is a Yiddish word called “shlemut” that more closely matches my own definition of forgiveness. It might be that the English language simply does not have a word for it.
Take care,
– Faith
Hi Faith, I know what you mean, it is hard to generally define forgiveness and it means different things to different people. For me the way I define it or view it, I feel I do not need to give it to move on, but that is just me. Its very interesting and though provoking though reading different views on it.
it takes a lot to forgive and i am at the moment in the process of forgiving and i must say it has reduced the burden and stress i feel inside. complete forgiveness heals with time
to forgive has nothing to do with going back or becoming intimate to one who has done us wrong, but a deep feeling of relief inside knowing that you are freeing yourself from the bondage of being so bitter and trapped.