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Archive for April 9th, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Effects of “Mirroring” Others in Relationships after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:

I read on your blog somewhere once about how you don’t think suicide is a sin or something like that. I’m sorry if this is wrong…i have difficulty with memories that never occurred (yay me! makes thing so much easier ::sarcasm::) Something about how it would be wrong to make someone go through all that…I wanted to thank you for that. ~ Tawny

Tawny is correct. I did say that.

My understanding about suicide being considered a “sin” is that it is a murder (murdering yourself), and you did not get the opportunity to repent of the sin of murder because you (obviously) died. I vehemently disagree with this labeling of suicide as a sin.

Suicide is not murder. People who attempt and/or commit suicide do it to escape very deep emotional pain. The pain and despair run so deep that anything, even suicide, seems preferable to living even one more minute in this deep, dark place. The thought of God condemning a person to hell in this situation makes absolutely no sense to me. I believe that God views this situation with deep compassion, not condemnation.

That being said, I do not “support” suicide. I have struggled with suicidal urges many times in my life. To this day, I will sometimes wrestle with very deep and dark despair. Suicidal thoughts might run through my mind, but I choose to dismiss suicide as an option for one very important reason – I refuse to let my abusers win. I owe it to the little girl inside who fought so hard to survive the abuse to survive the healing.

This is not always easy for me. Those dark clouds will loom over me, and I question whether I will ever feel okay again. If it were possibly to “will” myself to leave my body, I would have done so many times over. However, I will not succumb to the suicidal urges when they strike because I refuse to give up. I absolutely refuse.

The other, very important thing to remember is that the despair does not last. Yes, in the moment, it feels like you will never see the sun again. I experience this myself sometimes. I even scare myself sometimes with just how dark I can feel inside. I try to remind myself to feed the right wolf, but even this does not always work fast enough for me. Sometimes I have to commit to staying on this earth one minute at a time. The thought of committing any longer is simply too overwhelming.

And yet, no matter how dark the despair or how long it lasts, it always passes. It might take days or weeks, but it does pass. Suicide would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you can hold on just a little bit longer, the clouds will part, and the sun will shine again.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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