On my blog entry entitled Recovery from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment:
My X has DID. We were together for many years. I still love them very much. I think I made it worst simply by not understanding or by thinking I understood. It was hard for both of us. Are you finding it possible to be in intimate relationships? Any relationship advice for partners of people with DID? Or for people with DID? ~ Partner
The short answer to the question of whether intimate relationships are possible for people with DID is yes. However, it takes a lot of work and a willingness to heal. As long as a person with DID chooses to stay in “sentry” mode, never integrating and/or learning how to love and accept himself, an intimate relationship is going to be a real challenge.
I am defining an intimate relationship as one in which there is a deep emotional and relational connection. This can happen in a friendship or in a sexual relationship. My comments can be applied to both situations.
The problem with developing an intimate relationship with someone with DID is that the self/spirit is fragmented. Many people mistakenly believe that the host personality is the “real” person and that the alter parts are superfluous parts that get in the way of an intimate relationship with the host. This could not be farther from the truth. Each and every part – the good, bad, mean, angry, sad, animal, vegetable, mineral part – are all parts of one spirit. When you reject one part, you are rejecting that person, and intimacy is not going to be possible.
My host personality was just a teeny-tiny sliver of who I was. I did not fully appreciate this until I integrated my host personality into my core. Trying to have an intimate relationship with that teeny-tiny part of myself was going to accomplish nothing. I was so much more than this one part of myself.
People with DID who choose not to integrate might disagree with me, but my experience has been that I did not have the capacity to have an intimate relationship with another person until after integrating many of my alter parts, including the host personality, into a core. It is this core of myself that is capable of having an intimate relationship with another person.
I only have an emotionally intimate relationship with three people (all friends), and only one of them runs fairly deep. I was only capable of having this level of intimacy after integration. Hub and I do not have an emotionally intimate relationship, even though we are married and have sex, because he is not willing/able to “see” me. I don’t think the issue is the sex – it is his lack of willingness to connect with me.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
I like you definition of intimate relationship. You are so very good at communicating and doing it concisely! Are you published?
I am beginning to understand DID in a whole new way through your blog. Amazing.
Have a great week,
pf
Faith,
I like your definition of intimate relationship. You are so very good at communicating and doing it concisely! Are you published?
I am beginning to understand DID in a whole new way through your blog. Amazing.
Have a great week,
pf
Hmmmm… Not sure why that came through twice. Sorry!
Faith,
thank you for this. I now finally understand why I’ve never been able to be close to anyone. I’ve just recently realized that I am a multiple, and my therapist confirmed it, though deep inside somewhere there has been a suspicion of something. I want to integrate, I’m so tired of living in chaos.
barbi
I am a couple years into the “integration” phase of working through DID. But what you said is so very true. My relationship with my husband is exactly as you describe yours. I have 2 close friends with whom I can claim an intimate relationship. But I do not yet feel that I know who I am, I feel like an ever-changing landscape, but am not sure what the picture will turn out to be. It can be very lonely even tho my mind often feels quite crowded.
Thanks for your clarity!
Ruby
Faith, Thank You
I have a hard time facing the fact that my husband and I do not have a emotionally intimate relationship but we don’t and I have always blamed myself, because I do have such a relationship with two other people and one of them is a male so I have always blamed me for the lack of it with my husband but It isn’t me it is him. I’m willing to accept it this way our marriage is okay and worth staying in as long as he allows me the freedom to have others in my life that do see me and accept me.
once again you have shown me that I am not alone.
Again thanks for your blog.
Just to present another side to this, it’s a little different for me. I currently have a very close relationship with two people, plus my husband. I do have other friends, but they are not close friends, as these three are the only ones who have accepted my multiplicity. In addition to my hubby, there is my mother and a dear woman I’ve known for many years who lives on the other side of the country. We correspond by email alone, yet I’m closer to her than anyone else.
My goal is not integration, but internal harmony and healing. So far, things are going well in that respect. I think the key to my relationships is the simple fact that these people know I’m multiple and accept that. They love and respect all of my parts, not just the “host”.
My husband does have some trouble with the idea of making love to someone who is occasionally a little kid or teenager, but we’re working on that. And we do have some other issues in our marriage, but most of them relate to the after-effects of being abused in childhood, and not the fact that I’m multiple. I suspect the problems would remain, even if I did integrate.
(Not trying to argue your point, just giving another view.)
Hi, Midge.
You are definitely not alone. I used to belong to an email listserve for survivors of ritual abuse, and I was one of the very few who sought integration. The vast majority of them would self-describe as being at peace being multiple, and each would refer to herself as “us” rather than “me.”
These ladies reported being at peace with this decision, and I never got into an argument with them about it. If it works for them, then hats off to them. Who am I to criticize what works for another person? For me, though, integration was always the goal.
That being said, I still have parts that refuse to integrate. I love those parts, so I can see how a person could make it work living separate. However, in my case, I see this as my own continued refusal to deal with the issues that the separate alters faced. When I am ready to do that, those parts will integrate, too.
I am glad that you are able to have emotionally intimate relationships even in a current state of multiplicity. :0)
Take care,
– Faith
Hi, Mia.
The answer to your question about whether I am published is both yes and no. :0)
I have worked as a professional writer for over a decade. My writing through companies (writing manuals and training programs) does not bear my name, but they are published nonetheless. :0)
I have also worked as a professional blogger. Those blogs are published online and do bear my pen name.
I do not have any hardbound books on the subject of child abuse or DID published. That has been a dream of mine for a long time, but it never feels like now is the right time. Writing this blog is where I feel led at this time in my life. In the future, who knows? I would not be opposed to writing a book for publication if approached. :0)
Take care,
– Faith
I am befuddled by integration. What in the heck is it really? I no longer have a thousand voices in my head but now and then I’m definitely channeling anger from long ago or lapsing into a social me when necessary. I’m very aware of these changes of character since I’m right there, but I also realize these sides of me or not my usual ways of being. Because I see it so clearly now, does that indicate I’m integrating?
I don’t believe I’m unique in my representation of DID but would be interested in others who experience this. I literally leave, pass out, or at least that is what it appears like to others around me. But in that state I believe I hear what is going on outside of me. In the old days there was a lot of conversation going on inside of me as well. That is not the case anymore. Yet I continue to be triggered to this state. Which is another issue of mine, why in the heck after all this time don’t I get my triggers? I sometimes come out of these lapses (they can range from minutes to tens of minutes) fully aware of what happened before them. Then there are times I take a few seconds to get myself into the moment. There are no physical reasons for these lapses – believe me I have had every test in the world. They do not scare me but they scare everyone else.
Have you heard of this way of dissociating? When I was in therapy it was one of the ways my therpist led her to the DID diagnosis. But I’ve never met anyone else who experiences this.
Take care.
@ esther… i don’t know if you subscribed to the comments. i hope you did.
yes! i have had very similar experiences. for me it was an altar i named littlelost (i use her initials here LL).
i think it is similar to conversion disorder– once known as hysterical paralysis.
over time, my therapist and i learned to instigate these dissociative episodes in session, and she started to help me learn how to ground myself. for me, there was a subtext– the subtext was “i have to get on the floor!” which was a reaction to violence as a child. i learned to go dead then.
in my late adolescence and early adulthood, LL would “lay me out” in response to threat/perceived threat, even if there was NO real physical danger. sometimes for things like the way the air smelled, etc. and i, too, experienced being able to hear what was going on around me, but not respond or move. at first i thought i was having seizures, but no.
this still happens to me, but very rarely, and only when LL is really, really threatened. in the past it was a regular occurrence.
i have learned to pull myself out of that place by focusing on moving my fingers. if i can get my fingers moving, i can eventually talk and move. at first, it was almost painful to move. hard to explain. i felt like i was going to come apart.
my friends and partner have learned how to help me in that place, by staying with me, and gently touching me to help me ground. i have come to the place where i can sometimes make myself talk from that place, which is very, very hard because the inertia and paralysis is so strong, and i also lose co-consciousness. i also have a dog who is trained to come and lay with me when i end up on the floor. she presses her body against mine. any gentle, non-threatening touch seems to help me. (like having my hand held)
i have done some body work that involved triggering me into that place as well, and that has helped me learn some more tools for dealing it. this demands a great deal of trust with a therapist– because, honestly, i don’t remember most of the therapy (since i was not there). but through that process i learned to hold co-consciousness, and from there learned to speak.
it is not easy– it’s taken years of therapy to get to this place, and i am fortunate to have the support of my partner and a friend.
i have learned to talk to LL (and also let her talk to my therapist and friends) and boy, did she ever have a lot to say. she still does. she really “took” a lot of abuse, and she over-protects me still.
i also have learned to avoid getting to a place where i am overwhelmed with triggers. i keep my work schedule reasonable and have good self-care. i also do not have much contact with my family (they are my abusers). these things seem to really help.
i don’t know if this was very clear, i’m very tired today and not sure if it made sense.
good luck.
Hi Esther;
My name is Emma, and my journey with dealing specifically with DID began twenty years ago. Because I am a cult survivor and dealt with many forms of abuse I found that I had to choose healing, or my family. I disconnected from my family of origin and began intensive psychotherapy. In the initial stages of this therapy some parts developed very close relationships with the therapist while other parts watched protectively to make sure that boundaries were not violated.
My marriage ended when my husband learned I had DID, and because I had intensive therapy several times a week it was difficult to maintain relations with my children. However, I have to say that the children I gave birth to made it possible for me to understand what healthy, intimate relationships are, and even though we are no longer in contact, they it is due more to their father’s angst–and the effects it had on them.
I had several close friends who helped me through the first stages of my recovery process. I have to say that different parts had relations with different friends, which seemed to be all right for everyone involved.
I reached a point when I needed to break ties with everyone so that I could begin having a relationship with myself. I think this time alone has helped me a great deal to understand how my DID works. Many of the parts I once had have integrated; I am not sure what it will feel or be like to experience full integration, nor do I know with certainty that I can do it. But I try.
I do, currently have an intimate relationship. I was upfront with my partner from the beginning, and it has been a gradual journey of coming together. I do not think I could have this wonderful, intimate relationship with my partner had I not taken the time to be alone and get to know myself. Trust issues with other people in our circle are slower to evolve, and I don’t have the energy to have lots of relationships with lots of people.
I hope this was helpful for you. I am just beginning to blog about my journey with DID. Healing has been a long, slow journey for me… and it continues.
Best Wishes
Faith,
When the time is right, I for one, would love to see you publish on this subject. You have such an honest, insightful and gentle style of communicating which is soothing and allows the information to really get in.
You help so many with your blog, and your unique way of experiencing your past and working through it and communicating about it is something that is really needed, especially on the subject of mother/daughter abuses. Heck, you could even arrange many of these blog entries complete with comments and publish that as a start~
Anyway, you do great work, thank you!
Mia
Mia — Thanks for the encouragement. I will consider it.
Esther — I will put together a blog entry, or maybe even a series, on integration. I wrote ahead through next week because I am out of town with my family this week, so it will be a little while before I get to it.
Take care,
– Faith
hi this was real good! we quoted a bit on our blog an wrote our thoughts, hope thats ok, its here http://clarityinthemist.blogspot.com/2009/04/rejection-vs-acceptance.html
Vague,
I love what your wrote over on your blog. :0)
– Faith
I would also really like to hear your perspective on integration.
Integration, to me, is just too vague. Nobody can tell me how it happens, though many believe it must be my goal. I am a very rules oriented person. I do best and feel ‘safe’ if there is something I can DO to fix the problem/achieve my goals. Having integration as the main goal, appears far too impossible at this time (as I don’t know steps a. b. c. to achieve it) and knowing myself I would beat myself up for not achieving it now. So it frightens me any time a therapist brings it up as what I should ‘be’.
Instead I have focused a lot on internal communication, co consciousness, validation and responsibility of self. Those are things I can DO. With integration, what if I don’t live up to everyone else’s approval and expectations? What if I fail at something that is too hard for me to even comprehend.
(Also, I have to admit that I am terrified to death of having full access to all memories. If it makes other parts of me so frozen and unable to function, what will happen to me?)
I do agree, though. I think you brought up a good point about intimacy and the un-integrated multiple. I can’t say I have ever developed a true level of intimacy with anyone and it is something to think about.
[…] @ 6:32 am Tags: What is integration? What does integration feel like? On my blog entry entitled Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)?, a reader posted the following comment: I am befuddled by integration. What in the heck is it […]
[…] Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? (faithallen.wordpress.com) […]
i have intimate relationships as a non-integrated person with DID. i was fortunate that i met my partner when we were quite young and he was prepared to take me as i was. so he has become a real ally in healing. he did not know what was wrong with me– he thought i was really crazy, and also, extremely forgetful, but he fell in love with me anyway. as time passed, and it got worse (the disintegration), i started therapy, and we realized what is going on. he educated himself about it. he does not really see me as DID, but more, he just deals with whatever is happening or whoever is out in the moment. he has become a parent, in some ways, to the younger altars. that may or may not be healthy, who knows, but it’s the way it is. they trust and love him. that took years in therapy, however.
as for integration… i prefer to think of it as an internal democracy, where all parts are working together. i see my DID as caused by fundamental crises that will never be solved– the fact that i loved and needed my abusers (i was also the victim of caregiver incest and a lot of domestic violence/torture) and yet they hurt me so much and so fundamentally betrayed me… i don’t know if the crises that resulted in me are ever going to be resolved. instead, i am looking for more cohesion, and inner communication, and a reduction in times when i am actively switching out of control.
if that results in my integration, so be it.
my therapist does not push me to integrate. i think that would just cause more problems if she did.
THANK GOD I AM NOT ALONE ! for more then 1/2 a century,i’ve known i was “different” somehow. almost total block on childhood,memory loss,mood swings,”lost time” which i attributed to memory loss. i am an active,long time player in second life and wondered why i always had multiple “alts” of different sexes and play as an sl child of 5 in both my male/female alts. yesterday at a Rainbow Helper Scout meeting,i found a mention of D.I.D. in the leader’s [ multiple ] profiles and was given a notecard all about D.I.D. which i IMMIDIATELY identifed with.. as a result,i have joined an sl D.I.D. support group and hope to delve deeper into my disorder and help myself cope with this destructive disorder. like some expressed here before,i am apprehensive on opening pandora’s box and wonder what will happen to me,will i retreat behind my alt or go completely mad ?
thank you writers for helping me understand this disorder more by giving of your D.I.D.,it’s made a difference for me in understanding my own D.I.D. :)
I have a friend whom I believe has DID. She seems to be struggling quite a bit. As it doesn’t seem she has much support, I would like to be there for her, but I don’t exactly know how to approach the subject. Any helpful advice would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you
T
[…] helping friend with DID, I think my friend has DID, talking about DID On my blog entry entitled Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)?, a reader posted the following comment: I have a friend whom I believe has DID. She seems to be […]
I have just recently ended a 2-year relationship with someone diagnosed with DID. I am looking for any advice possible. I’ve tried reading any resources I can find, talking to doctors, etc, but can’t seem to really get any definitive help as to how to deal with certain situations. I’ve been very supportive and I’m the only person who she actually even talks to about her diagnosis. Knowing that her mother let her father rape her repeatedly for years left me in a precarious situation of how to deal with interactions with her mother. She has been in therapy a little less than a year, but every step her therapist tells her to take in order to set boundaries with her family, who still interacts with the abuser constantly, she refuses to do. She fluctuates between being angry with her mother, who was also emotionally and verbally abusive to her, to saying her mom never knew any abuse was going on. It’s a roller coaster for me, the person who loves her, but I can deal with that. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to deal with the person you love interacting with people who have abused her and inflicted this serious diagnosis upon her. Her mother and father are now divorced, he left her mind you, but the 2 of them still interact constantly. I’ve read a lot saying that for the mother to still interact with the abuser is continued abuse. Every time she spends time around her mother, living in denial causes her to act extremely towards me every time she comes home. I’m just hoping maybe someone can enlighten me on how the hell you deal with the person you love continually putting themself in self-defeating situations and not whatsoever willing to hold these people accountable.
Hi, Ashley.
Sadly, you have no control over this. You have to set boundaries for yourself and sometimes walk away. It is hard to watch someone you love continuously put herself into harm’s way.
I deal with this with my sister, who continues a relationship with our mother/abuser. She even let our mother/abuser babysit her children for a week when she was out of the country. I said, “You know exactly how I feel about this, so I am not even going to say a word.” She said, “I know,” but she believes that the sexual abuse was just toward her daughters, and these are grandsons. I haven’t let my mother see my son since 2003 (when I started having the flashbacks about the abuse), which tells you how much I trust her around my kid.
My sister will call and vent about our mother/abuser driving her crazy. I keep reminding her that there is another option but let her make her own decisions.
– Faith
Faith-Thanks for your blog. I had a boyfriend that I originally thought was borderline, but now I’m thinking maybe DID instead. The last time I ran into him I’d walked down the street and saw him literally hanging from the bottom of a tree outside his apartment, like an eight year old boy would. Another time, I saw him at a party and he fell on the floor laughing like a small boy while talking to friends. Mind you, this is a forty six year old man. I’ve always loved him, I just had no idea how horrifically he’s probably been abused. It was a difficult relationship, and some of his behavior was a dealbreaker so we split. I could literally chart his mood swings on a calendar. He’d go from being a sweet, charming guy to a dominating abuser every two weeks or so. I know his mother was a primary abuser. Anyway, health, peace and love to you and everyone here.
I began researching DID today as preparation for a short film I wanted to write, but after reading through some of your posts and other people’s posts, I find myself confused (i guess is the best word I can think of right now) because the subject is so personal and deep that my original ideas seems stupid, and I also feel like this is a subject that should be adressed respectfully and truthfully. My wife’s mother was a victim of ritual abuse and I hesitate to inaccurately portray the struggles that you guys are facing. You guys are amazing.
I have a question for anyone who can answer on the subject of DID:
What if one portion of the person is not a good person – are you supposed to integrate this portion regardless, or should you try to overrule that portion and identify yourself as the host?
If anyone could please give me info on the “host” and things like that, it would be much appreciated! Thanks
Hi, Danielle.
I have the blog broken into categories, which you can find about halfway down the right side of the page. Click on “Select Category” under CATEGORIES, and you will find a ton of blog entries on DID, alter parts (including the host personality), etc.
I have written about integrating “evil” parts, which really are not “evil” at all. All parts are YOU, and the “evil” parts are just another way that you processed the trauma. Embracing, loving, and accepting those parts actually bring some of the deepest levels of healing.
– Faith
I have no idea how to use a message board, but I am looking to connect and ask some questions about my DID–to peers. I am just discovering my “problem.”
Anyway, please let me know where I go to connect with DID people.
Thank you,
Jeannie
Hi, Jeannie.
You are welcome to post questions here. For faster responses, check out http://www.isurvive.org. That’s the message board that I used when I had a bunch of questions after “discovering” that I had alter parts. There is one forum specifically for people with DID:
http://www.isurvive.org.uk/viewforum.php?f=42&sid=f7563d68b5469a58e530bcba03287b2d
That site is very active with members who live all over the world, so there is always someone online who can “talk” with you about your questions. :0)
– Faith
I have been dating a girl with DID for two years- i broke it off with her a few times over my suspicions she must be having sex with other and only recently figured out the problem.. I thought this was science fiction and only now do I understand how serious sexual abuse of females is.. I feel so selfish and cruel to end it with her over her seemingly telling me lies when it very well could be lack of communication with her alters.. I have tried to discuss the DID with her but she seems in denial- she said one night “my god- what’s wrong with me- I’m coming” and after research found that it is common for a female to experience orgasm when attacked and now understand the horror that must be felt by the victim over struggling to see how that could happen.. I feel so horrible that i now withhold my affection for her which has only gotten stronger once I realized why she is this way.. she obviously has a problem with sex but my insecurity is that some of her alters are having sex outside of her control or knowledge since it is so infrequent with me- six to eight weeks sometimes which is so abnormal.. much as i feel so much compassion for her and love the affection part myself- I am in love with her and can’t understand why she cannot express her love and caring physically.. I always want to please her in every way- not just physically.. she says i am her only man but is constantly texting and receiving texts.. she is so cold and callous that when we split up she never calls or initiates contact except once and that was after 5 months and was just to thank me for referring a client to her.. I don’t feel she loves me though she says she does.. when i ask her about seeing a therapist for DID she says i am not the one she should be talking to about it.. now i recently saw a little drug baggie- yet she swears she doesn’t do drugs- I am so confused by this girl my friends say just run- but I feel so much for her that it is very difficult and confusing that she would push away someone that wants to help her.. she says she loves me and i am her beautiful man and her only man.. I am hoping to find the strength to be just a friend to her and realize she is not my soul mate since she is not open and honest with me.. I need therapy myself now for allowing myself to be in this type of relationship.. would be interested in advice from some here that recognize this situation please..
Hi. I’m not an expert and have only been around DID with my bf. But just remember that inside, her mind is chaos. It took me several months to learn that the things my bf says and does aren’t always him. I almost left him because he kept hurting my feelings and I thought he didnt want to be with me. But over time and lots of communication, I have learned what things means sincerely and what things are one of the other alters talking. He has known about his DID for years and most of the time the alters communicate with each other. But when they don’t, he has long periods of black-outs and can’t remember anything he said or did. (Because it wasn’t him) Maybe that special person in your life hasn’t figured out how to live with all the alters yet. Maybe it’s like several people sharing one body, and she has no idea what the others are doing. Like I said, I’m not an expert. If you love her, and it’s worth the investment of your own life, educate yourself, find a support group (NAMI has some), go to that counselor you’re considering, help her get help. It’s a difficult road, and everyone needs someone to care about them. I’m glad she has you. :)
Firstly, breathe. Keeping yourself calm and level headed is the most important thing you can do when even having a friendship with someone who has DID.
You as the healthy half of the partnership need to be just that: healthy. The emotional turmoil that you are going through is not uncommon. It’s difficult to be with someone who is split between different personalities. She may actually love you but because of her own turmoil in being the one who has DID she is incapable of truly expressing it. She needs you, the signs she’s giving off is obvious. But maybe not BE there. Try getting her help. Someone with DID needs to be getting help. The fact they have it is proof enough of the emotional scarring they have. Coax her into therapy. Have her sit down with someone. She needs to be able to come to terms with her illness so that she can work through it. You must remember though that this will not only be emotionally straining for her but for you as well. And in this you must ask yourself if you really want to put yourself through that. But if you are willing, then don’t forget you have to keep yourself healthy. Go to therapy. Eat healthy, exercise. Anything to keep yourself emotionally well, strong and confident.
Thank you for your comments. It is very Encouraging to me and confirms some thing I have been thinking. I love my bf very much–all of him. Most of his alters are also loving and accepting of me. Though it may sound odd, I even have a relationship with most of the alters. They care about me and tell me they love me, and because they are a part of my bf, I love them too. But there a couple alters that hate everyone, including me. I am working on establishing some kind of connection with them. So far all I get is the occasional “F**k you,” LOL. I love the idea of complete acceptance of the whole person, even in the disorder. Thank you for sharing your story!!!
I myself am currently in a relationship with a man who has DID. He has 7 different alters including himself. There’s so much I’m still learning and even though sometimes things feel a little bad I still love him as a whole. Each alter is unique in its own way, yet each just as love able. Even though I know they are the same person I think of them as separate individuals and are slowly trying to develop relationships (friendships, except for the one im with) with each. I agree deeply with your blog, that in order for one to have a relationship with a person with DID that person must be willing to accept and love each of the pieces. I care so much for all of the pieces, even though there’s still so much more to learn about them. I encourage that others listen to you’re advice.
I don’t see that there are too many male partners/husbands commenting here on this blog. I am 39 year old male partner to a woman whom I’ve been in a serious relationship with for 5 years. She has a history of sexual abuse from her stepfather (which she thought was her real father) from the age of 5 (possibly younger) to 10 years old. I am madly in love with this woman, yet we are currently going through what appears to be our second and final breakup. I’m writing mostly to make sense of the last 5 years, but also to offer a perspective from the other side that might be of some value to someone who is struggling in their relationship. I must admit up from that I have battled with my own issues for years and don’t consider myself entirely psychologically healthy. I’m also not sure if she has DID, but there is definitely something curious about her. All the same, I would like to share my story.
My girlfriend was a childhood friend from the neighborhood I grew up in. We reconnected in our mid-thirties and both of us were going through some hard times and likely vulnerable. We had an electric romance that felt like the real deal. I quickly fell in love with this woman and it turned my world upside down. Within just a few months, I had quit my job and moved across the state to live with her. Although our beginning was intense, I always had a intuition that there was something awry. She had been upfront with me about her history of abuse, even warning me that she “Was fucked up”. I thought I understood what I was getting into and frankly I didn’t even care at that time or didn’t want to see it.
From the beginning, the relationship was highly sexualized. I thought this was the greatest thing ever, as I had never been with someone who apparently loved to have sex all the time. I admit that I was a little concerned and even intimidated by such a sexually free spirit. There was little she wouldn’t do. She even told me once to have sex with her anytime I wanted, to just “take it”, including even when she was sleeping. I never obliged, but I did take note of it, and began to wonder. Her persistent emotional distance made me suspicious and I began to look for some explanation. Things quickly unravelled after finding a log of a secret internet chat that she had been involved with revealing a completely different side of her that I had not ever seen, or cared to. It was extremely graphic in sexual nature and what I would have considered to be utterly humiliating to her. I was absolutely crushed. Here I had been treating her like a queen, only to find out that she wanted to be treated like trash (so I thought).
Come to find out, she had been involved in this online relationship for some time before I came into the picture. In time the whole truth finally came out that she had actually met up with him at least twice in person to have sex. The whole thing spun into a dark descent, from which, neither of us would emerge for years. Of course as a man, I assumed that she must not have loved me and was lying to me the whole time. I felt betrayed, hopeless, and inadequate. Yet I was in love and for some reason had to stick around to understand everything and try and work though it.
So I did not at that time understand the first thing about the real effects of sexual abuse and the tendency to re-traumatize oneself. It seems in retrospect that she had found just the right person in this other guy, that would treat her in way to do exactly that. So she obviously had this “other side” to her that I had never been introduced to as of that time, and I felt I needed to know the entire person. I wanted in on this excitement. Thinking that was what she really wanted, I began what essentially amounts to abusing and re-traumatizing her in bed on a regular basis. This mostly consisted of verbal degradation, and some mild physical control. Basically the things I read about in those chats I discovered. It was extremely exciting to me on some level, having never experienced this type of sex, and knowing that I was “satisfying” her. However, there was always a deep sense of conflict within me about what was going on. To love someone, and to turn around and treat them like garbage (with them apparently liking it) does something undesirable to the mind. Yet, I felt if I didn’t provide this for her, she would have to seek it out elsewhere. I’m wondering if this act of re-traumatizing through promiscuous sex is a compulsion. I also wonder if lying about it and being secretive is part of the the process. As hard as that is to accept, I would have liked to know the truth of it.
Anyway, we acted out negative fantasies and just pushed the boundaries in general until we both became uncomfortable with it. At some point we had a serious discussion and agreed that it was not healthy. I was actually relieved. We began having “normal” sex from that point on, which was about one year into the relationship. It was still good to me, but she could not orgasm at all from normal sex. After I was finished, she would have to masturbate to her own fantasy in order to climax. She would still try and include me, but it was like I was not even there really. Actually during the sex act itself, it was as if I wasn’t there most of the time. She would have to close her eyes, or look off into space to avoid any eye contact with me. This routine took its toll on the relationship over the next four years. The trend has ultimately gone from being highly sexualized in the beginning, to a complete opposite extreme of no sex at all.
There were indicators all along the way that something was wrong. I do recall after having sex one time earlier in the relationship, I was gently caressing her body in a non-sexual way and she got angry and pulled my hand away and said to me seriously “What are you doing?”. This startled me and I began to feel very uncertain and self-conscious about what kind of touching or affection was acceptable. She was also unable to appreciate being flattered or treated like a queen. In fact the more I tried to appreciate her, the more disgusted she seemed to be. I think she saw it as a weakness in me to be so vulnerable and loving, I’m not really sure. She also rarely possessed the ability to think of others when appropriate, such as on birthdays and other special occasions. No cards, no presents, nothing. Her relationship to her teenage daughter was also highly volatile and sometimes physically abusive.
But she was also incredibly smart, deep thinking, warm hearted, and just a beautiful person at times. The person I fell in love with. I always felt a great sorrow for what she endured. I wished there was something, anything that I could do to ease her suffering. We had many long conversations where she shared some of her most intimate secrets with me. We were best friends and I really thought we could make it. Unfortunately, we both violated each other’s trust early in the relationship, from which, despite our best efforts, we could never fully recover.
This brings me to the present where we are currently separated and living across the state from each other. She is going through some major life transition and presently ridding her life of all things that are not good for her. Well all except for self medicating with marijuana, which seems to help her with the crying spells and mood swings. Anyway, I happened to be one of those things that were not good for her, and I am afraid she’s probably right. As hard as I tried, and as much as I needed to, I never was able to fully forgive and this left me unable to fully trust, which eventually became a huge problem. I understand that most of those who have been abused have complicated relationships and unique challenges, and ours was certainly no exception. I don’t expect anyone to read this but I’m curious about something. Towards the end of our relationship we talked of marriage quite often despite out troubles. Actually, she was kind of eager to do it. For various reasons, it was never the right time. At the same time, I felt she began increasingly comparing me to her abuser. Not implying that I was an abuser, but just pointing out similar personality traits etc. She complained about the “type” of guy that she seemed to habitually attract. One minute she was telling me what a great man I was, and the next that I needed to leave the house because she was tired of looking at me. This increasingly turned into an argument where she would become hostile about some little thing that I was or wasn’t doing up to her expectations. I felt the emotions were way out of proportion to the situation. So my question is: Does it happen sometimes that during the healing process that the abused project the abuser onto their partners? Have you heard of this happening? I felt like I was under the microscope, and being scrutinized for every little thing, and that I had become the enemy. Sorry for such a long post. It’s been a chaotic ride at times, but it was always worth it to me. If you actually made it this far, thanks for reading.
R
I have been in a relationship with a man with DID for 16 years – and have recently left him. :( I could not take the abusive states anymore. He also did lie within state too, so that confused things for me even more. We have children together, he is in therapy, and certain states tell me they love me. The younger states didn’t understand what was going on, That I found really sad. I don’t know if he has been faithful or not. I like to believe he has been, but knowing his past with women, and the amount of lies he did actually tell me, I am not so sure.
I have been told about loving all the states, but this eludes me. How do you love a state that is controlling and abusive? That threatened to hurt (or even worse) friends if I continued to see them. Would warn male friends on FB that he would hurt them if we continued contact. That told me I did nothing (when I was the one working, taking care of all bills, running my own business, taking care of 5 children, etc). I think I could have hacked it but this type of abuse was a love-killer. I was running myself into the ground, whilst he sat around reading for hours, going to sleep for a few hours during the day, sitting around watching tv whilst the house falls into disarray around him, etc.
I read about what people have written, and I just wonder whether everyone is treated this way and still loves, and whether the person with DID gets less abusive and controlling over time? :)