Archive for May 13th, 2009

I wrote my blog entry entitled Me, My D@#$ Eating Disorder, and Physicals last week right after I saw the doctor. It is now almost a week later, and I guess I am doing okay. It depends upon how you look at it.

I have already lost five pounds since I saw her because getting triggered like that forces me to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction. (Like most people with a history of child abuse, moderation is not my strength.) It really does not feel like a choice. Something inside of me takes over, and I am simply along for the ride.

For six days, I have had rice milk for breakfast (which is normal) and an Ensure for lunch (which is not). The Ensure wasn’t that bad. I chose the chocolate flavor, which is tasty, so it was kind of like eating something “bad” that was chalk full of vitamins … but I digress.

I ate a light dinner, and I would eat a couple of snacks of fruit each day. None of this is “bad” for my body, but it is “bad” for my emotional self. That pretty much captures my lifelong dilemma. When I listen to my emotions, I will pass up anything good for myself and consistently choose junk. When I listen to my body and feed it with healthy things, it is more of an “up yours” to my emotional self. For whatever reason, I have a very hard time achieving a balance.

I actually was successful for 11 months in eating in moderation, and I lost a lot of weight. It was so easy, too! But, since I “fell off the wagon,” I cannot seem to get myself back to that place. Instead, I stay at war within myself, either eating way too much or avoiding healthy choices like fruits and veggies, or I eat what is good for my body but for the wrong reasons, which does a number on my head.

What concerns my doctor is that my father dropped dead from a heart attack when he was only three years older than I am now, and he was overweight. I am fully aware that moving from medicating myself through food to Xanax is exchanging one crutch for another, but that feels like the most appealing option at the moment.

I guess what bothers me the most is how out of control I feel about this area of my life. In so many other respects, I have been successful in healing myself. When it comes to food, though, I feel just about as lost as I always have. Objectively, I have made progress, but even my progress seems a long way away from healthy.

Some of you have offered some great suggestions. I do plan to check out the links and video. (This is a busy week at my job, which is why I am writing in “real time” instead of writing ahead.) I am trying not to judge myself but, instead, have compassion on the hurting little girl inside who needs food for comfort while, at the same time, take care of my body. It is not an easy balance.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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