Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for May 14th, 2009

As I shared here and here, my eating disorder (binge & compulsive overeating) has been on my mind pretty much non-stop for the past week. Yesterday was not a good day. So far, I am doing okay today, but the day has just begun.

This is not the first time that I have tried to overcome this eating disorder, nor is it the second, third, fourth, fifth … you get the picture. Perhaps this is the first time that I have been this present in my body while doing this – I don’t know. All I know is that I am overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety I feel from minute to minute.

There is nothing in my day-to-day life to account for this. Yes, this is a busy week with my job (which is why I am frantically typing this out and will post this blog entry in real time), but that would not make me feel shaky and anxious. I think I am finally beginning to appreciate why I have battled this eating disorder since I was 12 – I eat all the time because I am anxious all the time. Eating medicates the anxiety. When I stop eating, there is nothing to temper the anxiety, which drives me back. Bottom line – In the short run, I would rather be fat than live feeling that way.

Yesterday, the anxiety was so bad that, by 2:00 p.m., I took a Xanax. Within an hour, the anxiety eased, but it was replaced by depression. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. It was awful. I tried to slow down. I actually watched an hour-long show on TV without exercising (I had exercised earlier in the day) so I could sit and do nothing for an hour. That got me so sleepy that I went to bed early.

This morning, I was still feeling blah until I stepped on the scale and saw that I have lost seven pounds. That bumped me into a lower set of numbers, which made me happy. So, I guess I now have the drive to continue fighting again. It is really hard, though.

What kills me is that I was a skinny little kid before the eating disorder took hold of me. Without an eating disorder, I would probably be a naturally slim woman. However, my life is what it is. I cannot change was happened in the past. I can try to work through the anxiety of today. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Advertisements

Read Full Post »