As I shared here and here, my eating disorder (binge & compulsive overeating) has been on my mind pretty much non-stop for the past week. Yesterday was not a good day. So far, I am doing okay today, but the day has just begun.
This is not the first time that I have tried to overcome this eating disorder, nor is it the second, third, fourth, fifth … you get the picture. Perhaps this is the first time that I have been this present in my body while doing this – I don’t know. All I know is that I am overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety I feel from minute to minute.
There is nothing in my day-to-day life to account for this. Yes, this is a busy week with my job (which is why I am frantically typing this out and will post this blog entry in real time), but that would not make me feel shaky and anxious. I think I am finally beginning to appreciate why I have battled this eating disorder since I was 12 – I eat all the time because I am anxious all the time. Eating medicates the anxiety. When I stop eating, there is nothing to temper the anxiety, which drives me back. Bottom line – In the short run, I would rather be fat than live feeling that way.
Yesterday, the anxiety was so bad that, by 2:00 p.m., I took a Xanax. Within an hour, the anxiety eased, but it was replaced by depression. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. It was awful. I tried to slow down. I actually watched an hour-long show on TV without exercising (I had exercised earlier in the day) so I could sit and do nothing for an hour. That got me so sleepy that I went to bed early.
This morning, I was still feeling blah until I stepped on the scale and saw that I have lost seven pounds. That bumped me into a lower set of numbers, which made me happy. So, I guess I now have the drive to continue fighting again. It is really hard, though.
What kills me is that I was a skinny little kid before the eating disorder took hold of me. Without an eating disorder, I would probably be a naturally slim woman. However, my life is what it is. I cannot change was happened in the past. I can try to work through the anxiety of today. I just have to take it one day at a time.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hang in there Faith. Lots of deep breaths.
Peace,
Mia
Isn’t it true that abuse survivors have more illness than those who are not abused? Right now I am into my fifth auto-immune disease diagnosis and I can tell you when I first hear the news I get mad at all those years I spent fearful, abused, anxious, panicked. It downright makes me want to scream even though I know intellectually that this tendency of my body may have been something I was born with and would happen no matter what.
But it makes me mad. Then I have to cross over to right here, right now which is what it sounds like you do with your eating disorder. I’m telling you, this healing thing is work.
I’m retired and I keep thinking I should “do something” and then I remember that healing is work, that because of my auto-immune THING stress is definitely something I don’t need to invite into my life.
Hang in there, Faith. You display great courage.
You may consider asking your doc to give you a “Western blot” test for Lyme disease. Many people have autoimmune diseases, have it and when the Lyme is addressed, the other symptoms and conditions improve. It’s important to get a Western Blot test, and NOT an Alisia. Otherwise you have a great chance of getting a false negative.
Peace,
mia
You are amazingly aware of “how you are,” Faith. And you are facing things head on, such courage!
Isn’t it the “over-the-topness” of the anxiety and stress, the way it seems totally unrelated to what’s going on in the present, that makes the out-of-control feeling seem even more so? It’s like boxing a shadow! You’ve made a great connection between anxiety and disorder. I forget to look for connections sometimes.
Am cheering you on to balance (whatever that looks like…perhaps we’ll know it when we see it?) and grateful for you.
Ruby
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Props on staying present – that in itself is a huge accomplishment!
One thing that makes an absolutely incredible difference in both my anxiety and depression is physical activity, and most of the endurance athletes I know are managing similar symptoms with their exercise.
Best of luck.
I experience rebound anxiety with anxiety medications, too.
My situation is so similar to yours. I too suffered from an emotionally/religiously abusive mother, and I too battled a binge and compulsive overeating disorder. Two books that really helped me were Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When Food is Love, both by Geneen Roth. I highly recommend them. They pretty much saved my life.
[…] cause adult survivors to stay sick?, Does child abuse cause illness? On my blog entry entitled Rough Day with Eating Disorder Yesterday, a reader posted the following comment: Isn’t it true that abuse survivors have more illness than […]
[…] @ 6:36 am Tags: binge eating, bulimia, compulsive overeating As I shared here, here, and here, one of my focuses (obsessions??) over the past five weeks has been fighting my eating disorder […]