On my blog entry entitled Dealing with Internal Conflict while Healing from Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
I wonder is it possible for the parts(s) of you that are non-resisting or adult parts to directly communicate with the resistant ones….? Could the adult ones comfort the 2 year old and help her feel cared for enough and safe enough to tell? Could they explain to her that they will be there for her, and that she won’t be dealing with the memory alone? That they will take care of her and that she will only be “telling” the memory, not having to physically face the abusers again… only with her mind, and this time will be different because the others are there to help her let go of it and comfort her through it. I don’t know if these things are possible, but I couldn’t stop my mind from asking it. ~ Mia
This comment is specifically aimed at people who have dissociative identity disorder (DID) or other dissociative disorders that involve alter parts.
I have had a lot of success in encouraging my older alter parts to comfort the younger parts. Ultimately, all of my alter parts are me, so learning how to get the older parts to comfort the younger parts is really about me learning how to comfort myself. Most of my younger parts hold either terror or unmet needs. I use my older parts to help with both.
Terror
I had a difficult time healing the terror. I was not quite sure what to do with it. First, I would tell those parts that they are now living in a grown up body. I would look at my adult-sized hands and feet. I would talk about sleeping in my own bed and in my own house. I would remind my alter parts (myself) that my abusers are all either old or dead, so they no longer have the power to hurt me.
Then, I created a “good mommy” alter part to protect my frightened parts so they (I) could feel safe. I would visualize her comforting the child parts of me. She would rock them in a rocking chair and hold them close. She would look them (me) in the eye and talk about how much she loves me and how precious I am. Then, she would tuck them (me) into bed and be my sentry with a shotgun in her hands. I did not have to worry about being hurt because “mommy” was ready to kill anyone who came near me during the night.
Unmet Needs
Unmet needs have been much trickier for me to heal. Sometimes I simply need to stop working so hard and do something fun. Other times, I need to interact with friends so that my need for a relationship is at least partially met, even though it is not with a mother. I have had less success with older parts healing younger parts when it comes to unmet needs.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
this is something that I recently have worked on as well.
*****TRIGGER******
I have a young part that gave me a mental image of her being sexually abused and then she was laying naked on the floor. When I saw this image I just wanted to run from it, but instead I picked her up and dressed her in very comfy clothes then wrapped her in a blanket and sat down with her in my arms and rocked her. Amazingly, she has kept those clothes on ever since and has been brave enough since then to talk to our therapist.
***end Trigger****
So I have found this method to be very helpful as well. How true that they are all me, but while they are still fragmented I have to attempt to meet some of their needs in order to integrate them, but I can’t meet those needs unless I know what they are. So I guess that is the hard work, being willing to “see” and not running away when it gets too hard to look at.
Thanks for your insight, as always, it helps me tremendously.
barbi
Thanks for this post, and also Barbi for your comment. My mind said “yes-yes!” To two of the things you posted. First that the parts are all me. It took me a while to understand that, but when I did things became less crazy. Second, that learning to comfort, protect those wounded parts or frightened parts or to care for the parts in need…it’s a process. It hasn’t been natural to me, but as I’ve learned to be nurturing to my parts wholeness has been coming.
Am still not good at having older or more motherly parts(actually I don’t feel like I have any motherly parts…) help ones in terror or need. My T is working with me on that. What you posted helped me pciture what she’s been trying to communicate to me. Thank you!!
Ruby
Faith. Thank you for the post. This is something I, too, am working on. I don’t yet have that level of collaboration. But hopefully I will get there. Paul.
I have collaboration. But it backfired. I have a protector that I armed with a gun before I fell asleep, too (isn’t that a funny coincidence?). Then I had one of those ‘invisible abuser’ nightmares and the pain and terror were awful. The child said it was because of the gun. She’s either protecting someone, or she’s afraid she will also be shot. Or both. Maybe she’s just afraid of guns and/ or shooting. She won’t say. That nightmare was almost two weeks ago and I’m still trying to recover from the fallout, but have just realized in the last couple of days that this was what started the chain of events that put me where I am right now. I feel like I’m playing blackjack with a rigged deck.
EH,
This sounds terrifying. I wonder, is there any way to tell the person who now has the rifle now that maybe there is a better role for him/her and to give the rifle to someone who is not as afraid to use it? Then assign the ex guard another duty to help, like maybe lookout for the gunman/woman? Or something completely different like sleep next to you so that whatever happens you are neither of you is alone?
I hope you get some sleep soon.. and some peace.
Blessings,
Mia
A question EH… Is the rifle symbolic or real? I guess that is something I didn’t consider.
Thanks, Mia. It is not real, it is what I call my ‘mental shotgun’. The person who was holding it was not afraid to use it. He’s not afraid of much of anything. The thing is, the CHILD does not like the gun and does not want any shooting. Or so she said. I know – I don’t quite get it, either. * I * felt fabulous about the gun. I don’t like my father. I guess the kid feels sorry for him and wants to protect him. This is the irreconcilable difference. I will never, ever watch that and go, “Aw. Poor Daddy’s not so bad.” Nope. Gun time. That’s why she won’t show me things and they keep jumping out to surprise me. I know it is usually the job of the adult to bend, but not this time. I’m being very generous just in putting down the gun. She’s gonna have to meet me the rest of the way and realize that I don’t love him. He was a pig. That’s just the way it is.
Ok, now I get it a little better. Thanks for clearing that up.
I totally understand your feelings about hating your father… but oddly I understand the child’s feelings too. It sounds like since she is the part holding all the terror and memories, that she was the one that got emotionally manipulated the most also and so young. She needs to feel safe is what it sounds like and assured that no harm will come to her and that you are her protector and friend and he can’t hurt any of you anymore.
She may be afraid of the gun for several reasons, not the least of which that if it gets used and “dad-abuser” is hurt or killed that she will be responsible… also, he may have made threats to loved ones in the even she ever told or if anyone found out.
I’m not an expert or anything like it, but I can’t imaging having to navigate this kind of thing and I feel compelled to throw out ideas. I have a young son, and I know for a fact that if he were terrified about something, I’d have to do things like give him time and distract his attention for a bit to calm him. If you don’t already, maybe spend quality time with the child/girl. Just talk to her and play with her, no pressure. Then when she totally trusts you, maybe you can do some play therapy like they do with abused children. Using dolls, “show me what games daddy made you play” etc. Sometimes if kids have not words or are threatened by “telling”, this method of “showing” feels safer. Good luck, and hang in there.
Mia
Hi, EH.
One of the challenges of healing from DID is learning how to feel two conflicting things at once. It is normal to feel love for your parent, no matter how abusive your parent was. It is also normal to feel rage toward your abuser. It has been easier for you to deal with both by splitting them, but you actually feel BOTH. As you heal, you can reach a place of recognizing that it is okay to feel both love and rage.
I went through this with my father (the “good” parent). Parts of me wanted to defend him as the “good” parent. Other parts hated him from betraying me by not leaving my mother/abuser, not talking with me about what he knew had happened to me, and not protecting me from the other abusers. All of these feelings needed to be validated. It was some hard work unraveling all of it.
Hang in there.
– Faith