If you are new to my blog, you can catch up on this saga by reading these blog entries:
- Mother/Abuser Trying to Force a Reconciliation!
- Got Another Letter from my Mother/Abuser
- Still Not Sure What to Do about Unwanted Contact from Mother/Abuser
- Mystery Solved! Why My Mother-Abuser has been Hounding Me
I received another letter from my mother/abuser last week. I arrived right as I was heading out of town, so I threw it on the counter and did not think about it again until I returned home from our Memorial Day Weekend getaway (which really SUCKED because both my son and I were very sick … so sick that I never even laid eyes on the beach … but I digress …)
I asked a friend to open and read the letter and let me know if there was anything in it that I should know. My friend said it was safe to read. My mother wrote it right after visiting my sister and having the conversation about overstepping her boundaries with me. Here is the letter:
Dear Faith,
How is everything going? I drove down to see [sister’s kids] get their awards. It was fun being part of their lives.
Faith, if I offended you by writing letters and phoning you, I am so sorry, if I overstepped my bounds. So now I will let you make the next move, that is, if you want to. If will not pressure you anymore. I do have an email address that you can write to, that is, if you want to.
Have a wonderful day, and I hope you will be able to come to [sister’s] graduation. I’ll be there but we don’t have to talk to each other. Let’s just be there for [sister]. She has tried so hard and she needs our support.
Lots of love,
Mom
So, what do you think of this letter? I am relieved that she is backing down on her own. That means that I don’t need to send the letter that I had planned about not wanting her in my life due to the child abuse. That being said, I still see manipulations about how nice it is being a part of my nephews’ lives and how I need to be there for my sister. I have a hard time gauging my own reaction to anything that she writes, though.
I can’t remember if I already shared this, but my sister dropped out of school after ninth grade and got her GED. After her divorce, she enrolled in college in her mid-thirties as a single mother. She has worked her tail off and will be graduating in December with honors with a double-major in biology and philosophy. I have been along for the entire ride, from encouraging her when she doubted herself to reviewing each paper for grammatical errors. Of course I am going to her graduation! I am also taking her on an all-expense paid trip to Disney World to celebrate afterward. So, that comment rubbed me the wrong way.
Any thoughts on her letter? I am not sure what to do about it, so for now, I will do nothing.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Hmm. I would file it away somewhere in the back of your mind and just carry on as you would – maintaining your boundaries and not worrying too much about what her motivations are. As long as you keep your boundaries firm then her manipulations (hopefully) won’t work.
Faith, it really _sucks_ that she cannot give you a selfless reply in response to her mistakes without mixed messages or trying to make you feel guilty in the process!! It seems like she really did hear that it was wrong that she was pushing you and crossing established boundaries…but that she couldn’t hear it without making herself feel better by being the martyr and by trying to deflect some of the guilt back onto you (as if you would not be there for your sister!!!) I am so sorry that she poisoned what could have been a kind and contrite letter to you. It’s just more of the same, isn’t it…. May you have grace for all this.
Interestingly I thought exactly the same as you – the bit that stood out as soon as I read it was the bit about your sister’s graduation. The whole not really asking you a question – “are you going?” But more a “you are going aren’t you”. But what also struck me was how desperate she is to try and convince you she is a “good mom” if that makes sense. Like look at everything I’m doing, how on earth could you be offended by me? Like to make you doubt yourself that you are setting boundaries and not letting her overwhelm you. But maybe I just hear that because that’s what I hear from my parents. I don’t know – it’s just similar to the kind of stuff they write. They write about the time they spend with my brother and the rest of the family – as if to point out it is only ME who doesn’t have contact with them, and therefore has the problem.
Anyway I hope it doesn’t rock you too much. Hold onto your truth. You sound like a great sister to have.
Hey Faith,
Hope you are doing well. Good news about the back off by mom/ab.
It sounds like mom/ab. understands at the very least that others are aware and can see her boundary breach. .. and that it is wrong. But it still sounds like she does not believe or understand that she did something wrong. Does that make sense? (That is the kind of apology I myself have been known to concede to when I just needed the argument to be over, but still thought I was right}. The kind with all the “if”s.
She may be sincere about wanting be able to sit next to you at graduation without speaking to you… but who knows if she possesses that skill set.
I think many times, like children, abusers who were also raised with abuse, lack the clarity and language skills necessary to really communicate properly. I will give you an example which has nothing directly to do with you and your mom,.. but it does illustrate having the blinders on and BELIEVING you are giving your all to correct a situation, but not knowing how to give what the other needs.
Ok, so I used to tend bar at a very strange place that always attracted all sorts of people who normally would not mix, but for some reason, we had very little trouble there, usually. This one night a regular customer, a hot tempered, Vietnam vet/cowboy sort bumped into this woman, who was by nature a very serious person, and some would say a militant feminist. She was drunk and upset already. When he bumped her, he said he was “sorry darlin'” She lit into him, not only for soaking her blouse with beer and margaritas, but she used a string of expletives before informing him that she IS NOT and never will be his DARLIN. So, he says, something to the effect of, “honestly sugar, it was an accident, let me buy you another drink babydoll.” So now she’s really steamed! The little misunderstanding became a full on physical confrontation. She slapped him…. Then others intervened, but I believe the cowboy was very restrained. He was doing the best he could to correct his error, but they were from two different worlds and well, she was pretty angry to begin with. The joke was and still is though that it played out sort of like a comedy because he had NO idea that his terms of endearment were throwing gas on the fire. In that regard, he was completely innocent in his ignorance. He thought she was still angry about the spill, never even realizing why she was getting more and more angry. After all, in his eyes, he had made a mistake, acknowledged the mistake, said he was very sorry and offered to fix it… what else was there?
I’m only saying all this because aside from all the other issues that are plainly evident from her little note, I think that you and she may also use very different language to express yourselves.
Good luck.
mia
I had a similar situation of sorts with my own mother/abuser(though she hasn’t backed down). What i found works well, at least for me, is to blog about it and don’t reply to her. Just add her e-mail to your address book in case something happens in which you *have* to get a hold of her(a death in the family).
The fact she is backing down at least shows a tiny bit of respect in a sense she is respecting the fact that you don’t want her in your life(though she didn’t respect you before), even if she isn’t sure why.
I read it as more games. It did get through to her that overstepping your boundaries was the wrong way to force a reconciliation. However, she still wants a reconciliation without admitting that she’s done anything wrong – to me, the apology and olive branch (I won’t pressure you, we don’t have to talk at the graduation) reads like a new tactic in the same old game.
My parents are masters at this tactic. It sucks, especially when I get sucked into the head trip that I’m the unreasonable one.
Send my congrats to your sister – I have a science/philosophy degree, and it made me smile to know that she’s earning one too!
Wow! My mother has written that exact letter to me before! (brother graduated with honor’s from a naval program…and the only thing my father did was whine about how his life is so hard and how my brother’s wife is -insert any explative you can think of cause my darling dad’s already said it. Apparently he still deserved the “place of honor” over my brother’s wife) Why can’t they ever say….”Sorry, I’ll go away now”. Why does it always have to be…”sorry, but.” Or everything has to be laced with guilt trips. The last line would make me angry too.
Congratulation’s to your sister. She sounds pretty amazing as do you.
Hey, Faith –
I admire your bravery in looking at all of this straight on . . .
I’m with Rachel — you have clearly defined boundaries – – stick to them and don’t worry about her motivations . . . gauge your responses by her behavior, not her motivations . . you can’t read her mind so why waste the energy trying!
Anyway, thank you for all the wisdom you pass along!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
I would sit with it for a while. Obviously you are torn about what to do. So in the end some sort of resolution might need to happen and you may actually have to talk.
Faith,
I think you’re showing such wonderful strength going to your sister’s graduation knowing your mother is going to be there. No matter what her intentions, she’s warning you that she’s going to the graduation.
Follow that wonderful advice you give us…..breath….feed the right wolf….and be there for the right reason….your sister.
Just two cents from a newbie.
Mandy
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