It’s hard to believe that I wrote such a positive blog entry last week, because I am not doing well these days. I finally figured out what the problem is – I am triggered by the end of the school year.
My son’s last day of school was last week. On the second to last day, we gave his teachers their goodbye cards and presents. When I left the school, I had a bad headache, and it just kept getting worse throughout the day. I was irritable and felt like nothing was going my way. I finally realized that I wasn’t breathing. Each breath was extremely shallow, and it took an enormous amount of effort to breathe more deeply.
On the next day (the last day of school), I was shaky. It got so bad that I took a Xanax. That is very unusual for me. To the extent I take Xanax at all, I take it in the evening, when I am frequently triggered. Even that did not work. I kept breaking into tears. I felt like the world was coming to an end.
A friend, who knows me well, called me and knew immediately that something was wrong because I was talking very fast. She was floored when I told her that I was on Xanax at that moment. I wound up taking a second one (I have the lowest dosage available, so the doctor said it is okay to double up), and even that only helped so much. This persisted through the weekend, and I am hoping that this funk will run its course soon.
The reason I get this triggered is because summer vacation was pure h@#$ for me as a child. All of my loving teachers and friends went away for three months. I was left with my mother/abuser all day, and the ritual abuse was more frequent at night.
Even into adulthood, school is my anchor. I am a very active volunteer at my son’s school. I have lots of buddies there who really like and appreciate me. They all go away over the summer. I don’t see as much of my friends, as they (and I) travel and move into our summer schedules. I frequently battle depression and loneliness during the summer.
I suspect that I feel this way at the beginning of every summer, but this is the first time that I have been so in touch with the depth of the “freaking out” over school ending. I am trying not to go back to leaning on food to get through this, but it is really hard. I am really struggling.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 