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Archive for June 16th, 2009

As I shared yesterday in my blog entry entitled Triggered by End of School after Child Abuse, I was very triggered by my child’s school year coming to an end. This was a very intense triggering that lasted for three days. I was in a very bad place and struggled with urges to self-injure. I fought those urges and won, but it was still a very intense three days.

What scares me the most is that, while I am triggered, I still feel the deep despair of my childhood. Despite all of my hard work in all of the healing that I have done, I can still be catapulted to that dreadful place of blackness where there is no hope. In the moment, I truly do not know how to pull myself back out. I just want to die.

One of my friends knew that I was in a bad place, and she kept asking what she could do. I didn’t know, and I felt hostility toward her questions. She saw my pain, and I didn’t want anyone to see it. Even today, my first day out of the black hole, I still don’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know how to stop myself from being triggered, and I don’t know what will make things better when I am in that dreadful place.

It seems to take me about three days to push through a severe trigger like this one. I wish that knowing that I would be okay in three days would make a difference, but I simply do not believe it in the moment. I just want the pain to end, and I don’t care what I have to do to make it end. The only thing that keeps me from giving in is sheer force of will.

While I am triggered, I become very discouraged about my progress in healing. I feel like I have worked so hard to heal, so what was the point of all of the hard work that I have done if I still wind up finding myself in that awful place? Now that I have cycled out, I truly do understand why I work so hard, but while I am in it, I cannot see it.

I keep telling myself that I am making progress. For the first time, I understood what was happening in the moment (although it took me almost a full day to recognize why I was feeling so badly). Because I knew that I was triggered, I felt a little less “insane.” I keep reminding myself that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and episodes like this go with the territory. None of that makes me feel better, though. I keep wanting to make the mountains move: I am so tired of climbing them.

Related Topic:

PTSD and Cycles of Emotions

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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