I have really been struggling lately, and I am not sure why. I suspect that some of it ties into the summer solstice that just passed on Sunday. I am certain that part of it is also fueled by the end of the school year. Still, I am having a very difficult time shaking this funk.
It doesn’t help that a lot is going wrong in my day-to-day life. Our one-year-old water heater stopped working last week. It is (obviously) still under warranty, but the company had to order a part to fix it. So, my family and I have had no hot water since Thursday. AARRGGHH!! That means that my family has to keep bumming showers off people. Even though I have people in my life who are happy to help out, it is still a major inconvenience to drag shampoo, a razor, towels, etc. to other people’s houses. Also, I have to watch my child closely (he has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder – ADHD) when he bathes at people’s houses because he gets water all over their floors, etc. Of course, here in the sunny South, it has been 90 degrees each day, and I can’t even take a shower in my own house unless I want to freeze to death.
One of my dogs cut her leg badly a couple of weeks ago. She just got the stitches out yesterday. We have been walking her on a leash (versus letting her run around in the fenced-in backyard), and she doesn’t want to do her business on the leash and then has accidents inside. We still have one more week to go. The only way to get her to go outside is to go on a long walk, which gets me all sweaty in the 90-degree heat, but I can’t get a shower without freezing … and so it goes.
The dog head-butted me and gave a black eye. That has really been hurting. My kid has been coming off inhaled steroids for the summer (to treat his asthma), and going off the steroids makes him mean. So, most of our interactions since school let out have been tumultuous. I have not been able to flush my sinuses daily like I usually do (sooo not putting ice cold water in my sinuses), and now I am developing a sinus infection. I haven’t slept well in weeks.
It just seems like one thing after another, and then I have this horrible PTSD-related funk, and I just want to jump off a bridge. At first, it was lots of anxiety, but now it has settled into a depression. I just want to curl up in my bed, go to sleep, and never wake up.
No, this is not a suicide note or anything. No need to panic. I am just trying to pour out all that is aching inside. I am so tired of crying.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 