As I shared in my last blog entry, I have not been doing very well lately. I listed a bunch of day-to-day stuff that is going wrong in my life in that blog entry, so there is no need to repeat it here.
I had a very rough time later that night. If I could have willed myself to die in my sleep, it would have happened. I really, really wanted “out” in any way that I could accomplish it. I finally gave up trying to fall asleep (even with a sleep aid) after an hour and pulled out my book, Safe Passage to Healing by Chrystine Oksana. I was hoping that I could find the answer to why I am feeling SO INSANE lately. I found three things that helped.
First, page 132 shows a list of Occult Holidays. I learned that, in addition to the summer solstice on June 21, June 23rd is also an occult holiday (Midsummer’s Eve or St. John’s Eve), which the book says is the “most important time for the practice of magic fire festival.” I have no idea what that “holiday” is or what it means, but it is clearly triggering to me. I am **hoping** that the passage of both of these horrible “holidays” will lift this funk. According to that calendar, I should be in the clear until July 1st. (Oh, goodie – A week off.)
Second, I scanned through most of the book looking for passages that I underlined when I first read it several years ago. As I have healed and grown stronger, I have lost touch with just how f@#$ed up and vulnerable I used to be. I see myself today as being a big mess. However, in comparison to how I was when I first read that book, I am living the easy life.
Third, I reread the chapter entitled Getting Through the Toughest Moments. While I did not really learn anything new, I felt validated that I was not alone.
Then, I came online the next day and saw all of the supportive message that all of you left me yesterday. The one that touched me the most was this comment:
I swear to God the stars are aligned wrong. If it can go wrong these last few weeks, it has. I won’t give you my list – but it’s also similar to yours Faith. And I have just gone to bed and slept. In fact, I’ve been up for an average of 4 hours a day these last 5 days. Not my best record. But somehow safer feeling than letting it all come to a head while I’m fully awake and aware. You’re so strong and motivated to face it all hon. I realize you don’t think you’re handling things all too well….but I’d give my right arm to be able to stay aware and handle things as they come up the way you do. Hang in there! ~ Mandy
The truth is that I did not believe I was handling any of it well at all, but reading through the book about where I was, in combination with Mandy’s observation as someone in the trenches watching my struggle, really hit home that I am doing better than I feared I was. I also received some great support over at Isurvive and received a very supportive email from one of my friends over there (who also reads my blog – Hi, C!). All of that worked together to give me the hope of making it through this alive and with my sanity somewhat intact.
An offline friend said that I offered support to so many … Who do I look up to? I replied, “My readers.” I would not have made it through the healing process without my friends at Isurvive, and I continue to need the camaraderie of all of you here. Alone, I only have so much strength. Together, we can move mountains.
Thank you all.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 