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Archive for July 3rd, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Recognizing That Parts Were Always There, a reader posted the following comment:

Faith, You said, “I used some techniques to access my subconscious mind”. Is that something you could elaborate on? ~ blueorchid

I have heard of different ways to access the subconscious mind. Some methods work better than others depending upon your own personality and history.

The tactic I was referring to in that blog entry involved free association writing. I type very quickly (over 90 WPM), and my handwriting is terrible, so I prefer to do free association writing at the computer rather than with a pen and paper. I closed my eyes and just started typing. I would let go of any conscious thought and allow my fingers just to type whatever they wanted to type.

This is an example of some of my free association writing from 2005. It is very long, so I will continue the topic again on Monday. I am including the whole thing because I think it helps you to understand free association writing a little better. I later recovered the full memory and talked it through with my sister (I used LS in the dialogue for “little sister” — I wrote the original spelling of her real name in the free association writing. She has since changed the spelling of her name.)

****** Graphic trigger warning – sexual and ritual abuse – profanity triggers ******

Box. Thrice. Box. Thrice.

Box. Children in a box. Box locked up. Children suffocating. Children die. Children. Box. Box. Box.

Thrice. Thrice. Three times. Three times three Daddy. Three times three.

Daddy. Why? Daddy why? Daddy too? Daddy too? Not daddy too. Not daddy too.

Not daddy no. No fuck LS. No fuck her. No daddy stop. No daddy stop. LS. Stop Stop LS LS LS LS LS LS

No no no no no

Daddy stop daddy stop daddy stop

No daddy no fuck no fuck not LS

Daddy in a box in a box

Box dark cold scared

LS tied to chair to chair tied blind blind daddy blind blind daddy blind daddy fuck no daddy fuck no no no no no no

Daddy no fuck LS no fuck LS no fuck no fuck no no no no

Daddy come bonfire bonfire pictures photos bonfire pictures photos daddy daddy daddy

No daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy

Fire high hot high hot like sun hot big fire big fire big fire

Daddy in robe white robe daddy in robe in robe why here? Why here? Why daddy in robe? Why hurt me? Why hurt me? Why come over here to me no want to touch his thing not want to not want to don’t make me no no no no no

Not touch not touch not hard not touch not touch not touch not touch

Touch gross sick bile vomit not want no going over to LS going there no don’t go there no daddy look daddy look look look why not look why not look

Not stick out penis not do that not to LS no not to LS no not to LS no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Stop daddy stop daddy stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

Why daddy why he do this to us why daddy why be here why at fire why at bonfire why here why here?

Bright bright like day bright light see all see all see fire see people see lawn chairs see people see robes see men and women see people see daddy see box

Fit in box children fit in box both fit in both latch lock latch lock locked in suffocating hot no air no air hot musty scared locked in box locked in box locked can’t get out with LS

Locked inside hurt scared want to die want to get away want to die die die die die die die die

Not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too

Not him too no no no no no no no no no

Not betrayal not from him not all not all not all all all all all grown ups all bad all bad all mean all bad all bad

Hate grownups hate all hate people hate life want to die die die die die die die

Kill me kill kill kill die die die die bang head bang head bang head stop stop stop stop stop want to die die die die die

Kill me die die die die die

Hate box hate daddy hate box hate bonfire hate hate hate hate hate

Hurt LS why hurt LS why why why why why

Why hurt LS why hurt in box why

Bonfire box thrice thrice thrice thrice three three three three three three three

Why three why three why three

Three times he did me. Three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three three three three three

Hate hate him hate him hate him for all didn’t stop didn’t stop didn’t stop hates me hate him hate him hate him didn’t stop hurt me didn’t stop hurt me hurt LS hurt me didn’t stop didn’t stop hurt me hurt him hurt hurt hurt

Want to die want die

Beard hate beard wore beard hate beard hate beard beard to disguise in case caught beard to disguise to hide to hide hurt hurt me didn’t know hurt me

Eyes covered eyes hide photos proof photos proof

Hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me

Hurt hurt hurt hurt hate hate hate hate hate hate bang head bang head bang head want to die die die die die die

Kill die kill die die kill die die die die die

Why why why

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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