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Archive for July 6th, 2009

On my last blog entry, Techniques for Accessing the Subconscious Mind: Free Association Writing, I shared a sample of my free association writing from 2005. I sat in front the computer, let go of all conscious thought, and allowed my fingers to fly over the keyboard in whatever way they chose. I posted the result of that free association session.

Now, I will explain the memory as I remember it (after recovering the memory through flashbacks) as well as my sister’s recollection of the same event. I am referring to my sister as LS for “little sister.”

Our mother started sexually abusing us when we were toddlers, but our father never did. He was inappropriate at times (such as giving my mother a back rub topless while the four of us watched TV), but he never touched us. He later walked in my mother sexually abusing me, and he made her stop. Even though he never got me therapy or talked with me about it, I saw him as the one adult in my life who was “safe.”

That changed the night of the free association memory. My sister and I were in our usual places around the bonfire for a cult ritual when my father was brought in as a “newcomer.” He was in a white robe and blindfolded. They walked my father over to me to give him a hand job. They then walked my father over to my sister to rape her. They took pictures of my father raping his own daughter. (I am fuzzy on how old she was – probably about four or five.)

My father had grown a beard around this time, which was unusual. The next morning, my sister was petrified of my father (for obvious reasons) and did not want to be around him. It took our mother months to get her to stop being frightened of him, and it helped after he shaved his beard. To this day, my sister is repulsed by people with facial hair.

My parents used to drink a lot. After that event, both parents gave up alcohol forever. I never once saw my father drink after that night. I suspect that my abusers put drugs in his alcohol and that he was bombed out of his mind that night. I also suspect he thought it was some sort of kinky sex orgy and never suspected that it involved children.

Both my sister and I remember the cameras, which you can see in the free association writing. My sister suspects that the cult used the pictures of my father raping his daughter to buy his silence, and that is how they had access to us for six years. The cult abuse only ended after we moved 30 miles away. I always thought it was odd that my father chose a 30+ mile commute to work one way just so we could live in out in a rural area.

My sister and I both remember the box in the free association writing. The cult abusers gave use this huge wooden box (large enough to fit both of us in it) with a latch on it. My parents thought it would make a great toy box, but my sister and I were terrified of it. I just “know” that we were locked in that box (and that is clear from the free association writing), but I have yet to recover the specific memory. It clearly ties into that awful night somehow.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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