Archive for July 7th, 2009

In my last couple of posts, I have shared my own experience with free association writing. That was the most powerful way that I found to access my subconscious mind. However, it was not the only way.

Another way that worked for me was writing a letter, using pen and paper, that I never planned to send. This was when I was trying to learn how to access my anger toward my mother/abuser. I decided to sit down at the table and write her an unfiltered letter that I would never send. The purpose was to help me access my anger, so there was no reason to involve another person in the process.

I began the letter along the lines of, “You stupid b@#$%,” and it went from there. At first, my own conscious thoughts were going down on paper. However, once my anger realized that it finally had a voice, it took over. What happened next was incredibly healing but also kind of freaky because I did not understand what was going on.

My rage started tumbling out of me, and my pen could not keep up. However, this did not even matter. All of the words that I needed to say were flooding my mind and exploding out of me, even though my pen could not keep up.

As the intensity escalated, I stopped even trying to form words on the page. Instead, my pen kept coming into contact with the paper, but it was no longer forming words. To quote my kid, it looked like “scribble scrabble.” I filled up seven pages of papers with nothing but a bunch of wavy lines that were imprinted deeply on the paper through my rage.

My head and body shook as I filled page after page with no words at all. However, as I did this, the words that I needed to express were tumbling out of my head. I could “hear” the “loud thoughts” expressing all of the rage that I had held back for decades. Even though there was no record what I was thinking on the pages of scribbling, my rage had somewhere to go, and the process was incredibly healing and empowering.

Afterward, I was emotionally spent, and I felt a little foolish throwing away seven pages of “scribble scrabble.” However, I felt much better than I had in a long time. I felt empowered by the release of all of the pent up rage.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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