Archive for July 16th, 2009

I wrote the last three blog entries in one sitting. That was all I could handle. I took my kid to camp and went to Bible study, where we talked about forgiveness, etc. I couldn’t hold myself back and wound up launching into forgiveness not being the same as reconciliation, etc. I can be extremely intense (as you might have noticed from my blog), and I was extremely intense in this session.

Somebody asked about whether it was possible to forgive someone who is not repentant. I was all over that question and went ahead and shared in front of 20 women that my mother had sexually abused me as a child and was not apologetic (and did not even admit that it happened). To tie my ability to forgive/let go to her whims put her in control, not me. I wound up saying some things that this woman really needed to hear, and she started crying (in a good way). I was actually a little embarrassed afterward because I got soooo intense, but others told me afterward that they appreciated my honesty and authenticity in the study.

The message in the study was about the “human dilemma of destiny.” (This is from the Beth Moore study of Esther.) Beth Moore said that, when it is time for you to fulfill your destiny, it will be poor timing, an unreasonable expectation (when you are in a personal crisis), involve a risky identification (such as admitting being a child abuse survivor), and involve an unanswered question. This makes more sense if you are doing the study, but I took away from it that I have a destiny – to help other child abuse survivors heal. I left the study feeling pretty good about myself and my place in this world. Then, hub called and p#$$ed me off (not worth getting into, but he was a pain in the @$$ that day). That got me crying again.

I just wanted to eat dinner and go to bed, but then my sister called to tell me that my mother/abuser was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance. (Seriously, could I have more drama in my life??) Long story short, her blood pressure is way too high (over 200 for the top number). She feared that her heart was in trouble, but it is sounding more like anxiety. My sister says that my mother/abuser has been recovering memories, so I would imagine that remembering the stuff she has to remember could cause her blood pressure to skyrocket. So, now I am waiting to hear the results of my mother/abuser’s test results.

I posted the following message on Isurvive about my feelings regarding my mother:

I don’t know what, if anything, to do with this information. On the one hand, I do feel sorry for her being alone in a hospital. She has no family nearby and does not have anyone who cares enough to be there. If she has to stay the weekend, my sister and her kids will come for the day (they live about a six hour drive away). On the other hand, she created a life for herself in which nobody gives a d@#$ that she is in the hospital.

A part of me feels like it is my responsibility if she is dying to see her one last time. Another part of me just wants her to die already so I can get closure on this part of my life. Another part thinks that this is just another one of her manipulations to get me back into her life since her other tactics didn’t work. If she does die, I don’t know if going to the funeral would be a good or bad thing. Some of my extended relatives would probably be rude to me for cutting my mother out of my life.

Another part of me thinks this is all drama and is p@$$#d off that I am having to think about her at all. She will probably outlive us all. A part of me feels sorry for her because I know she is scared. A part of me is glad she is scared because she deserves to feel fear. A part of me is disgusted with myself for being glad that another person feels fear. Another part of me thinks that I am being a softie and should get over it. Another part fears I am being too rigid and will regret doing nothing. Another part of me wants to hide in the closet and scream because I am scared to be anywhere near her.

So, right now, I am one walking cocktail of mixed emotions, and I don’t know what to do with any of them. This particular hospital trip could be a big, fat nothing, but I will eventually have to face the reality she is likely to die before I do. I don’t want to think about how I will react or what I will do. I don’t think I will have regrets about cutting her out of my life — she is so toxic to me. I won’t let her anywhere near my child — not safe.

I just don’t know what to do with all of this. Any advice?

I took some Tussionex and went to bed. The next morning, I woke up and decided that today was going to be a good day. I am sick to death of waiting for my life to calm down, for the crises (internal and external) to stop, etc., for me to have a good day. Instead, I am choosing to have one, and it wound up being a pretty good day.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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