On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Opening up Internal Communication, a reader posted the following comment:
Im so scared. Ive been diagnosed for a yr now. I dont believe any of it. I dont understand. I feel forced to believe worse things happened but I dont recall. Im just lost. The therapy is unbearable. Im so stuck. Does anyone have any support Im desperate. ~ Wanda
Being diagnosed with DID, or recognizing for the first time that you have alter parts, is terrifying to the host personality, which is the part of yourself that you view as “me.” It is only disturbing from your perspective, though, because most of the rest of you has known about the “others” all along. The rest of you has also always known about the child abuse.
The sooner you accept your diagnosis and start to understand your disorder, the sooner you will stop feeling so freaked out. I strongly recommend that you read the book Safe Passage to Healing by Christine Oksana. Skip over the ritual abuse stuff and go straight to the chapters on DID and dissociation (Part Three: Dissociation, p. 101). Being dissociative and having DID a blessing, not a curse. You would not have survived the childhood trauma without it.
After you stop fighting the diagnosis and start accepting that you did suffer from severe trauma as a child, you will begin to integrate. This means that you will begin to “awaken” to all of the truths that you have been hiding from yourself. You needed to keep yourself (from the perspective of the host personality) “in the dark” about the abuse to stay safe. Now that you are safe as an adult, you have no need to continue having a host personality. You are ready to begin the process of accepting each part, memory, and emotion as “me.”
As you do this, you will begin staying co-conscious as other parts emerge. Eventually, you will integrate back into your core, and you will marvel that you ever believed that you were ever whole. At this point, you will stop losing time. (Doesn’t that sound great??)
Healing from DID is a journey of self-love and self-acceptance. Imagine a life in which you no longer degrade yourself in your head. Imagine being comfortable in your own body and having access to various emotions (such as anger) when you need it. It is time to stop lying to yourself about your past and start accepting the truth – You are a wonderful, amazing, and precious person who deserves to be loved.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Well said Faith! I am only beginning to accept the fact that something did happen, the “others” know it did and can easily say so when they are out. I, however, have found it all too hard to believe. I can’t continue to heal until I believe them, even if I don’t remember it all.
Memory is a strange thing, and I’m not sure that the memories are totally accurate. I’m wondering if they may in fact be a combination of memories somewhat jumbled up? Do I really need to get them all straight? or is just the acceptance of them what is needed for healing?
barbi
For me, I knew that “something” had happened, something very bad, but I didn’t have access to any of the memories, so I had no idea what had happened. Over time, I’ve recovered a few of the memories, and it’s no wonder I blocked it out. I know there is a lot more to be remembered, but only when I’m ready to.
Barbi, from what I’ve read, it’s not necessary to understand the details of each and every memory. It happened a long time ago, and certain details can get fuzzy or mixed up when you’re a child. So it’s not as important to focus on exactly *what* happened, or with *who*, or *when*. It’s better to simply accept that “something” did happen, to accept that you may never know all the details of it, but to try and heal from it, based on what you do know.
For example, say you know that you were molested, but you don’t know if it was an uncle, a neighbor, or who did it. But you don’t need to know who did it, in order to accept that it happened. You can simply accept that it happened and try to heal from it. Of course, if you do figure out the details later, you can go back and revisit the memory, to finish healing the parts that you now know about. If that makes sense?
I respect everything you say Faith. But here I would only add a bit of practical reality and that is that there is an ebb and flow to acceptance. Of course I know you presented the ideal case, that you accept and you will be co-conscious. I just want everyone to appreciate that the process is a long and windy road. Of course everyone probably knows this, but it’s worth saying, especially to someone newly diagnosed.
Paul
Thanks Paul for that reminder, I have only been dealing with my diagnosis for about 5 months now, and am beginning to notice that ebb and flow that you talk about. I thought I was healing, then regressed back to what felt like square one. Thanks for the insight, now I can be aware that I am healing even when it feels as though I am not.
Thanks Mia, I appreciate your comments, part of me is beginning to accept some facts and I don’t feel as anxious now in having to “know” everything that happened.
barbi
[…] faithallen @ 7:05 am Tags: healing from DID, healing from trauma On my blog entry entitled Dealing with Diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment: I am only beginning to accept the fact that something did […]
Hello All!
I was recently diagnosed with DID. I keep bouncing back and forth between acceptance and denial. When I leave therapy I don’t remember much about the session but I am different. I can reflect back to that day and see that someone different walked out of his office and then I have flashes of different things I did for the rest of the day but no real detail or feeling is recalled. This happens to me on and off everyday. I believe they call this switching. My dilema is this…a strong part of me still wants to believe my parents were/are perfect and good and my whole world. Another part of me is afraid that if I acknowledge this a dam will break open and my life will spin out of control. I fear losing control. Also…all of my parts are petrified of being discovered and their secrets getting out. There is a strong voice inside me shouting that “it is imperative that we all live like nothing bad happened”. I am so confused all of the time. Can you guys shed any light or info on this for me…you are all much further ahead than me. Thank you.
Hi, Nansie.
I posted a response to your questions for today’s blog entry:
https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2009/08/13/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-and-conflicting-alter-parts/
Take care,
– Faith