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Archive for August 4th, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Physical Manifestation of Dealing with a Very Difficult Memory, a reader posted the following comment:

My only thought is that you haven’t mentioned is that perhaps you are beginning to remember something new about this particular memory/experience or perhaps you are processing your feelings on a deeper level and it is triggering the ptsd…? You’ve probably already thought of that, but just in case. It often helps me if I can turn to intellectualization when the “feeling” parts get to be too much. ~ Mia

I think Mia is right about this.

As I have shared before, I recently recovered the memory of the first time that I was vaginally raped. I was only six years old, and I was “sold” to the highest bidder. Nobody told me what was coming. A stranger came into the room and hurt me in places that I did not know existed. My original child “went to sleep,” and I woke up the next morning as a host personality with no identity. People kept calling me “Annie,” but I knew that I was not her. I learned that my first name was Faye, so my host personality embraced that name, and I made everyone in my life start calling me Faye.

This is the memory that has been wreaking havoc on my life since April. I have been sick multiple times (even with severe sinusitis and bronchitis). I have been anxious to the point of terror and depressed to the point of suicidal urges. In a nutshell, 2009 has really sucked for me.

I believe this is all part of the process of integrating this part of myself. This was the trauma that moved me down the dissociation continuum from dissociative disorder – not otherwise specified (DD-NOS) to dissociative identity disorder (DID), so it is not surprising that this would be a powerful memory that is going to take me a lot of time to process.

I have done all of the intellectual things I know how to do, but the unmet needs continue to scream inside. So, now I plan to turn to more spiritual methods. I have a message in to my Reiki lady, who I have not seen in a couple of years. I hope she is still doing Reiki. I also need to set aside time for yoga and meditation. That part is harder because my child with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is not sleeping again (up until ~ 11:00 p.m.), and my yoga/meditation healing combo works best if I do it right before I go to bed at night. I know I can do yoga/meditation during the day while my son is at camp, but it is simply not as effective during the day.

I have accepted the fact that healing this part of myself is going to take time. This was the most wounded part of myself, so I am not going to be able to heal it overnight. I need to stay patient with myself and continue to love myself through this. I also need to remember that this gaping open wound is not always going to be gaping open. It is healing, little-by-little, from the bottom, so I am making more progress than I probably realize.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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