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Archive for August 5th, 2009

Hub and I had an argument over the weekend, and it got ugly. It needed to get ugly because he was being completely unreasonable. He also pushed after I told him to back off, so he got what he deserved. It’s about d@#$ time that he learn to respect my boundaries.

Let me back up … I used to be the world’s biggest doormat. I never stood up for myself; I just did what other people told me to do. My motto was “peace at all costs,” and I believed that conflict would lead to abandonment. So, I had no boundaries in place, and people constantly took advantage of me.

Hub had it really good back then because I was a “Stepford” wife. We did what he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do it. I asked for nothing. Until we had trouble conceiving a baby about five years into our marriage, everything was about him. He didn’t even see it coming when I started fighting back because I wanted a baby so badly and he did not want to go through infertility treatments.

Even though I had no boundaries, about once a year I would blow up and stand my ground. I thought I had the world’s longest fuse. What was really happening was that an alter part would finally have enough and would come out swinging. I would suddenly have this amazing strength that would protect me. I would hear the words coming out of my mouth and be just as shocked as the person who got the tongue lashing.

Now that I have integrated my anger parts, I have access to this strength, and I use it whenever I need it. That is what hub learned the hard way during this argument. He stepped over the line verbally. I told him to back off, but he kept pushing, so I unleashed. I could feel the fury from the very depths of my soul that I had been holding at bay. However, once he refused to respect my boundaries, he got what he got, which was a verbal tongue-lashing complete with expletives that he didn’t see coming.

When he would corner me like this in the past, it would trigger my head-banging alter part. Hub is an attorney, and a litigator at that, so he has professional training for backing people into a corner verbally. Feeling backed into a corner would trigger the part of myself that was forced to make a “Sophie’s Choice”. I would run out of the room screaming and then bang my head. That did not happen during this argument. Instead, I got really p@$$ed off that he did not back off when I asked him to, so I removed my filters and let my anger have its say. It was ugly. I spoke (yelled) what was deep in my heart with no filter to cushion the blow. That was when the tide turned in the argument.

Hub and I talked things out and made up, but I hope he will eventually learn that he can no longer treat me like the Stepford wife he once had. It is a shame that I have to get to a place where the anger must come out unfiltered, but clearly that is the only way to get some people to back off when they cross my boundaries. I am grateful that I finally have a way to protect my boundaries.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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