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Archive for August 12th, 2009

On Monday, I shared that I was seeing an important relationship in my life through a different lens. I went through a variety of emotions and am still working through them – shock, anger, etc. I prayed about the situation a lot and decided that I was not going to allow this other person to have so much power over me. Instead, I was going to release those emotions over to G*d and take it from there.

After I made this decision, I saw with clarity how this person has been using an area of our relationship to fuel my insecurities about my Achilles’ heel. That is totally uncool. The good news is that, once I recognized this dynamic for what it was, it healed that Achilles’ heel – How cool is that??

I have one area of my life in which I have felt defective beyond repair. Rather than helping me heal this area, this person has continued to fuel my insecurities in this area as a power play. As long as I continued to feel insecure in this area, it gave this person a “trump card” of sorts in our relationship. Now that I recognize that I am not defective, I am feeling much better about myself. I can’t say the same for this relationship, though.

The truth was that I was not “defective” – I only believed that I was. As long as I believed this about myself, I acted as if I was defective, which played into this other person’s agenda. I am angry that someone that I have loved and who I believed loved me would “play” me like this. I have a long history of having people in my life (mostly family members) who pull my strings to direct me to fulfill their own agendas. I thought I had put a stop to that in all of my relationships (or ended the relationships), but that is apparently not the case.

I am still adjusting to the new lens. I am trying not to overreact while, at the same time, validate my feelings as I adjust to this truth. It’s a challenge, but at least I am feeling empowered even as I hurt.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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