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Archive for September 28th, 2009

Thank you for being so patient while I took a break last week. I was overwhelmed with many areas of my life, some of which I wrote about here. I am going to try to blog daily this week, but don’t be surprised if I need to ease back in. I try to write ahead, and I am writing this in real time.

On Friday, I did my monthly shopping trip to Target. I have a Target Visa that gives me 10% off one-day of shopping if I use my Target Visa enough, which is sooo not a problem. I always send my nephews a small Halloween present, so I went into the Halloween aisle to look for one. Mistake!

Seeing the black robes, etc., was triggering for me. I did not have a panic attack or anything, but I could feel the “tugging” on my brain in reaction as a part of myself sought to flee the triggers. We are just moving into the Halloween season, so I know I have an entire month of similar experiences ahead of me.

I have decided to try dressing up again this year. I have historically always dressed either as a little girl or a slut, and it took someone else to shed some light on why that was a problem. It seems so obvious now – that I associate ritual abuse with my being a “slutty” little girl – but I really did not see this until someone else pointed it out.

Two years ago, I decided to try dressing up again. (I had stopped ever since having that epiphany.) I was torn between being a spider witch (complete with a black robe) or an injured teen in a prom dress. I chose the spider witch and wound up getting very triggered in the costume – go figure. I decided that I clearly had not pulled myself out of being in the ritual abuse mindset at Halloween, so I did not dress up for Halloween last year.

This year, I am going for comedy, so we will see how this goes. I am going as Ugly Betty. I found a costume kit with the glasses, braces, and wig. I have put together some really tacky clothes, and I will wear sneakers (good for walking to trick or treat with my kid) with a skirt and really loud striped socks. I am hoping this will help me break the “slutty little girl” mold once and for all. We’ll see how it goes.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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