On my blog entry entitled Getting Triggered by Halloween Preparations, a reader posted the following comment:
I hate to repeat things too! What is that about.. do you think? I really really HATE it! Any insights appreciated. ~ Mia
I, too, have a difficult time with repetition. It took me a long time to be okay with saying things in unison at church, such as the Lord’s Prayer, because the repetition really bothered me. Heck, I cannot even stand to listen to the song Holly Jolly Christmas because it is so repetitive.
I think my problem is that chanting was used as part of the ritual abuse, so anything that reminds me of the chanting is triggering to me. Outright chanting, such as that used at the end of the song Whispers by Evanescence, can put me over the edge. However, even something that repeats a lot without out-and-out chanting, such as the song Kumbaya, really bothers me and always has.
I have been able to push through some of my aversion to repetition, such as speaking in unison in church. I now find that ritual to be comforting. However, I would rather jump off a bridge than listen to Holly Jolly Christmas, so I clearly have a long way to go.
Now, if I am the one creating the ritual, it makes me feel safe. For example, I always check my alarm clock exactly three times before I go to sleep, which is an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) thing. This ritual makes me feel safe and secure, knowing that I have set my alarm clock correctly and will not oversleep in the morning. However, I have little to no patience with rituals that others set up and impose upon me.
I chalk it all up to the ritual abuse. Does anyone else have any theories?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
This may be a contrarian view. But this is largely because of me and my own history or lake thereof. Since my “ritual abuse” memories are so few and unformed, I don’t usually give that whole aspect of my trauma history much weight. I know that for me, I can definitely see the ways in which things like you describe become upsetting. But I think part of that has to do with more or less normal fears that get tapped into. I know that’s contrarian.
Take halloween for example, which was what you wrote about in your last post I believe. Halloween has been an immense struggle these past several years. But halloween is exactly about making people scared. I know many have had abuses in the context of halloween. I haven’t to my knowledge. For me, I think halloween taps into the child parts of me who struggle with feeling safe.
I know that’s a pat answer because I also know that for the past several years there have been very scary parts that have been activated during the halloween period. So, I’m not sure what’s really going on.
I do understand the church thing you write about. Since my abuse was in the context of the church, I have problems with the same things you have problems with. As I kid, I couldn’t distinguish between what was “holy” and “good” and what was “evil” and “bad”. I mean I have parts for both, so it got/gets confusing.
And the whole church thing is, of course, a ritual. Not ritual abuse as usually defined. But it’s confusing to me because I think on some level knowing that I would hurt there and not knowing when and thinking all the other priests knew, etc… makes it a tad blurry for me.
Sorry my comments aren’t well thought out.
Paul
Good post Faith.
I haven’t a clue. As far as I know, I wasn’t ritually abused. However, I always hated the repetition at church too. It always sounded demonic, and reminded me of Rosemary’s Baby!
I think this is also why I have strong aversion to rap, disco and reggae music styles. My dad was a classical musician and I remember listening to him practice violin…. the same parts of the same piece over and over and OVER… I’d sometimes have to leave the house!
But I also hate re doing things. Like if I’d written something for school, and then lost it… and had to redo the assignment. It was just the worst!
Anyway, thanks for opening up this conversation, I appreciate it. Have a great week
peace,
pf
Faith, I’m not sure about theories, I can just share my experience. I also have troubles with repetition, but only when it’s required of me by others, and especially in a group, like in church or even when there are cheers…”give me an A…” kind of thing. It makes me feel they are trying to control me and if I don’t do what they say, the group will be mad, but if I do do the repetitive stuff they will have control and I will be trapped. Lately, I allow myself not to repeat more than I used to.
I totally have to stay away from outright chanting whether alone or in a group. Sends me right over the edge.
There are other times, when I am choosing to repeat things, even a phrase or a word, it is soothing, meditative. Sometimes repeating a movement (circling my thumb on my pointer finger) or a series of numbers has the same effect on me (soothing).
So, seems like a safety/control issue for me.
Ruby
As far as I know I’m not a ritual abuse survivor.(I’m missing about 13 years so who knows…but I don’t think so) My parents are the loner types. I have a VERY difficult time with any sort of ritual or repition however. I manage to develop one if, and only if, my very bad memory makes me depend on someone. (i.e. locking my keys in my car use to be a problem and I would have to call someone. Now I can’t get out of my car unless my keys are in my hand.) Repition drives me insane. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable…it makes me angry. For me it might have something to do with the fact that my parents were very strict at times and make me do things over and over again…especially if I said I didn’t like it. I can’t be sure though.
Theory? Did I read some one wondering about if I had a theory. Of course I do, I always have a theory although I am not always sure what it is.
An internal dissidence concerning the desire to conform and not conform exacerbated by traumatic experiences in childhood not processed after the trauma experienced when a child and not yet processed in adulthood. The experiences being separated in the subconscious resulting in different feelings about conforming and non-conforming as the experiences are separate in memory.
Dissidence related to conforming or not conforming is normal. It is the abnormal experiences and the not yet having the experiences come in to consciousness and be processed which causes the dissidence to be exacerbated.
I had fun writing this and hope it is somewhat fun to read. If it makes any sense I recommend coloring until it passes. No wax crayons please one has to have standards.
I don’t understand… but it sounds good!
dissonance is the correct word : )
cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
well now that makes sense, gracie.
Thanks MFF, I enjoyed it immensely! I will use colored pencils rather than crayons!!!
barbi
OCD is treatable and the particular treatment of choice is Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT). This is a form of treatment that is active, often includes assignments to complete out of the office and has been shown to be particularly helpful in treating OCD. It can be difficult for a parent to know if their teenager (or younger child because children have OCD as well as teens and adults) has OCD.
I think I may have stumbled on to something with the dissidence thing. Funny how I stumble on things when I am just having fun and stumble over them when I attempt to be serious.
I do not think that most people I meet experience the dissidence that I do. It is not the same as what they experience, dissimilar to a degree that is important to me.
It is easier to explain how I feel about depression. My depression is not a sadness that lasts longer. Nor is it an absence of energy or a lack of anything, it is well not about how I think of things. I feel it is the result of being in danger where I had both the flight and fight response which resulted in the freeze response. There is no memory of the time I am in the freeze response, that part of my brain is not needed. I can go back to that response kinda. That is what I feel I am experiencing when I am experiencing what is termed depression.
Agitation seems to me to be part of the flight response and anger part of the fight response.
Not being able to make decisions is going back part of my brain that is very good at making decisions just not long term decisions as that is not what that part of my brain does.
So when I do trauma work I kinda go back to these three responses. In a real way my body is telling me there is a danger, my body happens to be correct. It is dangerous for me to do trauma work, I end up not knowing who I am or where I am.
I have instinctively always tried to do trauma work. I did not know how to do it in the now anymore than I could when it happened.
I did not need to learn how not to lose time rather I needed to learn how to lose time. To learn how to not have the freeze response when ever I was aware of my subconscious/inner self/inner child/true self/inner children.
Pretty much any “symptom” I can see as me trying and failing to process trauma. As I successfully process trauma eliminate the cause of me failing to process trauma the “symptoms” go away. I can not eliminate the cause of my symptoms as I can not eliminate the trauma I experienced. I can not think of any way to come closer to eliminating the trauma than being multiple.
You see I needed to meet the Gypsy Dancer (My therapist). Took a long time to find her. I am most happy I kept looking.
Barbi,
Blick Art has colored pencils that are artist grade and inexpensive I use them and good quality paper. Makes me feel all growed up. Smile
I miswrote on the crayons. I meant the crayons that have to much wax and not enough pigment. I did not mean to be disrespectful of crayons.