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Archive for October 2nd, 2009

I Self-Injured Again

Welcome October – the first of three months of h@#$ for me. I have taken a lot of measures to help make this year different, but apparently that is not in the cards.

I woke up on October 1st feeling anxious and out of sorts. I have a lot going on with my kid, which you can read about here. Whenever I cannot help my kid, I feel like the helpless little girl again who has no hope. I cannot seem to separate out his issues from my issues, even though I know in my head that he is safe.

I was so worked up that I took two Xanax. (I am on the smallest dosage possible to prescribe.) That took the anxiety edge off but left me feeling depressed. I got one call after another – four phone calls before 8:00 a.m. I couldn’t focus.

I tried to take care of something that I have been trying to get to for a while now. I was on the phone when my friend showed up early. She offered to help me remove a large piece of broken furniture that I have been nagging hub to get out of my living room since JULY. We were able to carry it, but my two greyhounds slipped through the front door in the process. (I did not realize they were out.)

I tried to stop the male from running and grabbed his tag color. We tussled, but he is 70 lbs and managed to slip out of the collar before taking off full force down the street. My friend tried to wrestle the female, but she got away as well.

I spent the next TWO HOURS driving all over the neighborhood calling them, talking the neighbors, and calling the greyhound rescue. After an hour of not finding them, I had a panic attack and just wanted to die. I got back to my house, and a neighbor was there with the female, who had her tags. So, at least I knew one dog was safe.

The greyhound rescue lady showed up right after this with squawkers (devices used to train the greyhounds – all retired racing greyhounds will run toward that sound rapidly). We drove all over the neighborhood with no luck.

Then, the greyhound rescue lady got a call – Somebody rescued my tag-less dog from a location several miles away where he was running in and out of traffic. She took him to a vet, who scanned my dog for a microchip and then had the information to call me. So, he is now home safe.

I, however, was quite shaken. In the course of trying to find the dogs by car, I backed into my friend’s car, which was parked behind me in the driveway, so now I have to pay to fix her car and inconvenience her to deal with it all. I am shaken and just done. I self-injured (head-banging) for the first time in forever, and I still feel like s#$%, so I thought I would blog about it. I can’t say I feel any better yet.

Sometimes I really just hate my life and want to disappear.

Photo credit: Faith Allen

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