Archive for October 5th, 2009

Friend Met an Alter Part

As I shared on Friday, October 1st was a really bad day for me. It got worse after I wrote that blog entry … or, at least my reaction got worse.

A friend, who knows about my dissociative identity disorder (DID), called me back after I left her several frantic messages when I was falling apart with trying to find the dogs. I think that hitting another car must be a trigger for me because I completely overreacted once before (different scenario, but I was also in a bad place, bumped into a parked car, and did minimal damage to both vehicles) and cried for a couple of hours inconsolably.

I was already shaky – so badly that another friend who dropped my kid off from school was very concerned about me and gave me a long hug. Anyhow, the other friend called, and we agreed to get together after her kids finished their karate class. I next went into the kitchen to read my son a chapter of his book for school. He freaked out about thinking he saw a bee in the house and started yelling at me.

I guess that is when a child alter part took over. I simply couldn’t handle being yelled at. I kept asking him to stop in a little girl’s voice. (My son is only eight years old and is hardly “scary.”) He didn’t stop, so I curled up in a ball on a recliner. I just wanted to suck my thumb but didn’t. My son started throwing a computer keyboard around and kept yelling at me, and I was just “gone.”

Eventually, my son got freaked out by my non-reaction and asked if I was okay. He asked me to read him his book. I got up and opened the book, but I couldn’t read it. I just kept crying and could not read it. I then went to the couch and laid down curled up in a fetal position.

My son got my cell phone and called my friend back (the one who wanted to get together after karate). She asked to talk to me, and he told her that I couldn’t talk because I was crying. I kept shaking (panic attack), and my son kept telling me to stop “wiggling.” My friend called back again and wanted to talk to me. My son held the phone to my ear, but I couldn’t talk. She asked me questions, and I could barely answer. She said later that I sounded like a little girl, and I was very quiet. She panicked that I had taken an overdose, but I said I only took two Xanax, which is a very low dosage.

My friend came over with her kids. By the time she arrived, it was over an hour from the start of all of this, and I was pulling myself together enough to cook dinner. She said later that I did not look like myself. There was something “off” in my eyes, especially my right one. I don’t know what she is talking about.

I am somewhat aware of that hour of time, but it was like being apart from it. The little girl couldn’t move and did not want to be there. The little girl just wanted to disappear and simply could not function. It took two Xanax and an hour for it to kick in for me to find my way back into being able to control my body again. I have not experienced something this intense with an alter part in a long time.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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