I recently had a conversation with a fellow child abuse survivor. She is dealing with some family issues with in-laws who “act inappropriately.” Most people would knock the teeth out of anyone doing these inappropriate things, but, as a child abuse survivor, this woman is conflicted. She knows that the behavior is unacceptable and protects her children, but she does not feel comfortable saying, “If you do that again, you will not see your grandchildren again for three months.” Why is that?
I don’t mean it pick on this woman because, goodness knows, I have been there myself. I took me a very long time to realize that it was okay for me to set boundaries in my life. Why is it that we have to work so hard to assert ourselves and say no to unacceptable behavior in a relationship?
My guess is that it all stems from childhood. We were not allowed to say no as children, and so the concept of saying no as an adult is foreign to us. I am glad that I am making progress in this area. I have learned how to say no and even (sometimes) revel in the “power” of saying no. I have come to realize that it is okay for people to think that I am a b**** sometimes. Those who do not want to take advantage of me rarely think this about me: It is only those who want to cross my boundaries who accuse me of this.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Your post hits home for me…I have such a hard time saying “no” so I mostly avoid. I am learning to say “no” but then I am classified and not only a b**** I’m and angry b****. That classification is a form of rejection; ejection because you are standing up for yourself, so it seems that if you set boundaries and protect yourself you will no longer be loved.
I have a lot to learn in this area….
Take care Faith!
FGO
Like Oreo, this post speaks to me. I was just sitting here agonizing over how to address a co worker who is supposed to be training me but is so insecure that she is all about power and control. She digs thru MY files and changes things and is so OCD that she even wants me to “double-click” differently. She is making me nuts.
Yesterday was the last straw. I’ve been so conditioned to believe that my concerns don’t matter that I don’t know how to address this with her and this morning, there is going to be a battle ground in my cubie. (or maybe hers)
This has reaffirmed what I know but have always had probs with: Saying it. I have trouble fighting for my rights, but after reading this, I really don’t care (thanks Oreo) if she thinks I’m a B!t@h!
Yea! Go Me!!!
For me it is much about not being like “them” I do not want to hurt people or ignore them. I do not want to put myself first as it feels like I am being like “them”
Part of it is that I do not know until afterward that something went on. One part is there dealing with stuff and then another part thinks it is wrong.
Part of it is that when I do speak up I am really pissed off.
Part of it is I am nice and wish that the way the world worked.
Part of it is that I get confused so much is going on that things are not important to me and then when I think about them they are important. Part of not being present.
Ditto…MMF..I know exactly what you mean!
FGO
Hey Ya’ll,
Yes, this is an annoying and pesky issue. I have it too. Interestingly, now that I have a child, it’s improved a lot.
There seem to be so many reasons why we have trouble saying no, or don’t feel good about possible perceived conflict. I read something on yesterday’s post, that really resonated for me. The commenter said something like, “I have to keep reminding myself, I am not my trauma”. I actually had the epiphany that this is a big part of the reason that the strong patterns and reactions stay into adulthood. Because children internalize naturally. They don’t understand that they are not the environment around them in the same way adults do. They are naturally self centered because their survival depends on it, so everything that happens to them is internalized as a way to help them navigate through life. It’s a natural part of child development and why divorce is so hard for kids, even when it is handled with sensitivity…When their experiences are damaging, that is what becomes internalized.
I am not suggesting that any of us IS our trauma, I’m saying I think that is how as children we perceive it. And that is why we have to work so hard to develop healthy behaviors for
ourselves like setting boundaries. The only way I can think of to change it is just to practice..?
This is definitely a hot button for lot us.
Good luck everyone…
Peace,
mia
I think part of it is practice. Having not been able to say no safely as a child, I didn’t get to learn how to do it gracefully or in a timely manner (ie: right away before things get out of hand). As I practice being clear and saying no, I get better at it. Other people got to learn this a lot earlier, so they’re less clumsy.
I too can relate to this post…and this is something I have been working on for YEARS in therapy. It’s hard to learn to use you voice. It’s equally hard to even come to the realization that you have a RIGHT to say no – since you grew up without internalizing what that word meant…..
Standing up for our kids is something we can do without any problems, even and especially to our mother-in-law. But when it comes to ourselves, well, we’re horrible at standing up for ourself unless its an extreme situation or something (ie mugging, bullies, etc)
Hi, Faith –
I, too, have a hard time saying “no”.
Sometimes it is because it might cost me something that seems valuable to me (a relationship, a job, etc.) — because I can’t fathom the possibility something better might come along to fill that great need.
Sometimes it is because I’m not sure my boundary is reasonable. I really have no concept whether I’m being reasonable according to “normal” social standards. And, it would be the death of me if I were labeled a drama queen — it’s one of my greatest fears — a character flaw according to my childhood programming (that I haven’t yet been able to shift).
Sometimes it is because the thought of saying “no” hasn’t crossed my mind — I’m used to just taking whatever is dished out that it hasn’t dawned on me to cause a change.
Great post! It made me stop and think!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
we were trained to cooperate…..or we were abused because we had cooperative nature’s? I don’t know which, or maybe both? I guess it’s complex, but sayin no is foreign to us….have to work hard to incorporate “no” into our lives.
barbi
I have been thinking about this. I am wondering if part of it is projection. That perhaps most people do not have a part that remembers every hurt. That I feel if when I leave a person that is unhappy they stay that way. Just as some parts of me only be when they are hurt. They know nothing else so I think that is the way it is for everyone.
I actually keep track of every insult. A running list. I handle it with being interested of there is a new one. I have not cut my hair in months. Someone said today I looked like I had been on a bender. That is a new insult.
We can say no????!!!!!
just kidding, a little, and serious a little. Like several of you said, I feel like a very bad person when I say “no.” like it is truly not allowed. and sometimes the response seems to validate that idea.
safety for me, always came from compliance, although even that did not usually stop the pain or prevent abuse, but that occasion where it did, made compliance seem much safer than defiance. And it’s that feeling that I’m being defiant when I say “no” that drives fear in me. Realizing that sometimes “no” is simply being honest, not defiant, is hard for me.
someone talked about not realizing maybe we wanted to say no ’til it’s past. thinking of it as “not being present” was an eye-opener to me! It made lightbulbs go off! Thank you.
I am also deathly afraid of rejection. But that’s been better explained by others in this thread.
wow, this helped, thank you. As i read this thread i learned a lot and saw myself (ves) better and as I typed a bit of clarity came. Now to practice it a little….
ruby
Ummm…just one thing. I said “someone said” and it bothered me that I let it be that impersonal. Thank you MFF for that insight about the delayed reaction being part of not being present.
ruby
I had my own insight into this about a year or so ago when I told my therapist that I didn’t want to talk about something, and she pointed out that I was able to say no to her. That triggered the first flashback I’d ever had.
That flashback made me appreciate what I’ve been carrying around inside for years and where many of my reactions come from. It also helped me understand that my internal realities do not always match external realities, and that gave me a new way to think about things.
It’s also helped me be more respectful of what I am and am not willing to talk about in therapy – I typically have a full steam ahead approach, and now realize that sometimes it’s okay to wait a session or two to broach something that’s particularly painful. Being able to say no helps me understand more about *why* I need to say no for any given issue.
It’s a work in progress.