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Archive for November 2nd, 2009

As I have shared several times before, October through December are typically very rough months for me. Some of this is the result of the ritual abuse I suffered as a child. I suspect that this is also a difficult time because there are so many holidays, which when I was a child signified being separated from those who were supportive (teachers and friends), leaving me 24/7 with my crazy family and their friends.

Regardless of the reason, October is generally a very difficult time of year. I pretty much stay triggered, alternating between feeling anxious and feeling very depressed. I am happy to report that I did much better this October than I have in previous years. Hooray!

I am not saying that I was able to avoid being triggered. Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that these last couple of weeks have involved one trigger after another. The big difference is that I have not stayed triggered. I have been successful in pulling myself out of the nosedives repeatedly. The good news is that I have had many “good” days. The bad news is that I feel like a Weeble-Wobble that keeps getting knocked down and then getting back up … up and down … up and down … until I start to feel dizzy.

In some ways, handling the triggers in a healthier way is just as tiring as staying “stuck” in the triggers. There is a certain amount of “comfort” in knowing that I am in a bad place and will stay there for a while. Even though I don’t enjoy it, I know what to expect. These days, I cannot tell you from hour to hour what state I will be in. That is exhausting, but I still wouldn’t trade it. As I pull myself out of the swirling currents over and over again, I gain confidence in knowing that I am not going to drown.

I was pleasantly surprised not to have to deal with any Halloween-related (ritual abuse) triggers this year. For as long as I can remember, being out after dark has been triggering. Couple that with seeing black hooded figures, and I typically have a very bad headache every Halloween. That did not happen this year (to my utter amazement), so I guess I am making progress in that area.

How did all of you deal with Halloween this year? Was it as triggering as ever? Or did you notice some progress in healing? (Or both?)

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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