As I have shared before, I am working through a Beth Moore study on the patriarchs of Genesis. The stuff I read yesterday has got me thinking (which really is the point of a Bible study, right?). Beth talks about the “stronghold of deception” and how it is passed down from parent to child. She says:
Deception, passed down through example from parent to child, can be a frightfully contagious approach to life. If honesty is not held in high esteem and practiced in the home, children learn the destructive art of deception. Unless something dramatic breaks the cycle, it carries into adulthood and can invade any realm of life. ~ The Patriarchs pp. 114-115
I am not sure how I feel about that chastisement. On the one hand, in a perfect and safe world, being honest all the time sounds idyllic. However, my childhood was anything but idyllic, so deception is all I learned. I learned how to look someone in the eye and lie convincingly because, if anyone learned my secret, then my sister would die. Yes, in adulthood I realize that my abusers were just protecting themselves, but as a child, I believed this. When I looked the police officer in the eye and said that nobody was hurting us, I did it to save my sister’s life. I could not distinguish between the power to kill a dog and the power to kill a child.
So, as a parent, I don’t come down hard on my son for lying. (Also, he is very bad at it!) Because of my son’s special needs (attention-deficit hyperactivity – ADHD) and immaturity, I don’t know what is a normal part of childhood in “telling stories” and what is me passing along my “stronghold of deception.” I know my son did not leap over a 10 story building, so why would I punish him for telling me a story about doing it?
What are your thoughts on the “stronghold of deception.” I am not convinced that always being truthful is a good thing. How can my kid protect himself if he cannot deceive the bad guys and escape? Am I pouring too much of my own s@#$ onto my kid?? I don’t know.
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Blooming Lotus 
I agree with everything you have said 100%. It’s hard to know what form of lying is ok(little white lie) and which isn’t.
Lying has always been my most secret vice, i do it all the time. I did it to hide an emotional affair i was having from my then fiance, i did it to my parents in high school so i could party.
Your son will turn out wonderful faith. Everyone lines. And you aren’t “pouring your s@#$ into him”, he has a mother who loves him, who loves him so much to question if you are hurting him. a real mother who loves their son questions that everyday. if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t care.
Faith,
I have read that lying is a normal part of child development. It works in several ways. Here are 2 that I know of:
1- Part of what we consider “lying” is children stretching and using their imaginations and creating scenarios. Sometimes they get don’t have the inner skills to understand that we adults need to be in on this info… for instance my son will talk about somebody at school or a situation as though I was there because he doesn’t differentiate between himself and me. If he knows then I MUST know because I am mom, part of his consciousness… does that make sense?
2- The second purpose it serves is to “find out what will happen” in varying scenarios, and also what happens if they lie. Sometimes it is like a game, like they want to be found… as in hide and seek.
I don’t know how you or I or anyone may be unintentionally giving our children confusing messages/lessons. The important to remember, is you are trying your best and are conscious of what you are working with and against to be the best parent you can. That is all any of us can do. I say, don’t let ANYone plant a seed of doubt about THAT in your mind.
You’re a good mom Faith, and the more belief you have in yourself, the more you will feel that and be at ease.
peace,
pf
Surprise, surprise, this strikes a little bit of a nerve with me 🙂 Leaving that aside, though, I have some thoughts. Honesty is something I value, but I’m not sure that it doesn’t get an inappropriate place of honor in Christian and American parenting. I’m with you–I don’t freak out when my kids lie. I think that overreacting to childish lying (including putting it in the category of a generational spiritual stronghold) actually undermines the environment of trust that a child needs in order to learn to be honest.
Living in a different culture, I have learned that the way we prioritize virtues and values changes across cultures, and is probably something we need to allow ourselves to question and challenge. Americans tend to give honesty a very high priority, sometimes at the cost of other values. The American church is very influenced by this aspect of our culture, and will sometimes make us feel that telling the truth is much more important than, say, kindness, or acceptance, to name a few. We can also be very black and white, ignoring safety issues, as you pointed out, or other contextual considerations because we rigidly hold to a specific concept of truth-telling.
When I say a specific concept of truth-telling, it would be like someone thinking you should come down harder on your son for childish lies, while ignoring the atmosphere of truth and honesty that you have created by refusing to live under the lies that your abusers told you and programmed into you, by refusing to be two-faced with your son, by being the same person inside the home and out, etc, etc. etc. You have done an amazing job of breaking the lies that were in your family.
I think you are totally right…honesty in the family is about being real with each other and about having an atmosphere and relationship where you trust each other and where he can learn that he doesn’t need to lie. And an equally important value is his learning how to discern between a relationship that deserves trust and one that doesn’t, and to know the wisest way to act and respond in each circumstance.
You seem like you are doing an amazing job with your son, Faith. I’m glad you are starting to feel better too.
Warmly,
blueorchid
Thank you for your comments. You are making me feel better about this. I kind of felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty about it, if that makes sense. :0)
– Faith
When I imagine what a stronghold of deception might be, I imagine the beliefs my family passed down which, after much therapy, I can finally see as false. Mostly, I think about the denial in my family. Denial about their alcoholism, denial about the abuse, denial about the fact that they are depressed, unhappy, and bitter people, and so on. Then there are all the negative beliefs about how there must be something wrong with people who are happy, and so on. Those things certainly get passed on through the generations.
It’s an odd turn of phrase, so I can’t tell from the excerpt if it’s about lies or what I’m guessing at.
By the way, I really appreciate the way you write about religion. I’m normally somewhat triggered by Christianity, so it’s really nice to see it described in a way that allows me to understand what’s good about it.
It has really helped me to read the post and the answers. I get muddled sometimes because of the strong religous element of the abuse I experienced (the religious abuse lasted 15 years longer than the physical/sexual). It is freeing to me to be able to work things through, ask questions, disagree (gasp) rather than obey tyrannical dogma. That’s what this discussion helped me with…simply being free to ask questions.
I don’t have much to add, but I do have a kind of “gate” about what is deception and what is valid truth-telling. Does it cause harm? If it is harmful, if it destroys, or it serves to cover up an action that is harming someone…that’s deception. But also, sometimes telling everything truthfully is also harming, it is done to cause damage and is just as mean-spirited as deception. (BTW: I think harm is different than pain. Some pain heals, but harm causes damage as well as causing pain, in my opinion).
so thankful for your blog, Faith!
Ruby
I googled emotional eating/ beth moore this morning and found your blog 🙂 I, also, am trying to overcome emotional binge eating with the Lord’s help, but I am also going through the Patriarch’s study! lol I thought that was pretty neat! Can’t wait to catch up on your blog 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
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I don’t know if this might be triggering, but…
What if that cop when you were younger knew that you were lying and that your sister wouldn’t die? Surely, you’d want the cop to intervene in some way that would result in the abuse stopping, and your sister and you to be safe?
I don’t really think that I need to explain this any more because I think that it explains itself. However, I will say that I think that lying is so very rarely a good thing. I keep secrets of those dear to me, as it is their duty to resolve any problem(s) they may have involving secrets I may know about them. But secrets that involve me, I try not to keep. It’s because I quite often end up almost believing the lies myself, and burying a problem that I most definitely need to deal with.
I don’t think that punishing a child for telling a tall story is always a good idea. If it’s hurt nobody, then why do anything? I think that it’s more important to make clear to a child that people shouldn’t lie. That way, when the child thinks about lying about important things, they might think twice and reconsider their decision.